Sunday, June 25, 2017


"Everything I had become in decades of life I now had to unbecome. All I really was was belief, so everything I believed I now had to unbelieve."

-Jed McKenna

It's been a minute.
I have been trying to find a way to write about how I've been feeling over the last four or five months, but the reality is that it's all connected. Everything goes wayyyyyyyyy back to the first moment I could think. It revolves around beliefs or so called convictions held by people that make the world go 'round and are based on nothing but one's own opinion.

I'm going to take a minute to define the word belief thanks to Merriam-Webster:
1- a state or habit of mind in which trust or confidence is placed in some person or thing.
2- something that is accepted, considered to be true, or held as an opinion: something believed.
3- conviction of the truth of some statement or the reality of some being or phenomenon especially when based on examination of evidence.

People (including this person) wake up day to day and take action according to their beliefs. Whether it be a ritual performed due to a religious belief, what they wear that day because of how they believe it makes them look or feel, what they do or don't do at work because of how they believe it will reflect on themselves or the company, what they say or don't say because of how they believe it will affect their image or persona, etc...

Nothing in the definition of the word belief states that a belief is true. It mentions a conviction or consideration of truth, but again, this is strictly opinion. It mentions something about being based on examination of evidence... what evidence? People have a tendency to look for evidence that fits snugly into their belief systems so they can justify and rationalize it to themselves and the world. And who says that this "evidence" is the truth, who says?!

I physically stepped away from the LDS church about 6.5 years ago. I took off my garments, I stopped attending services and released myself from the confines. It was one of the most terrifying and liberating things I had ever done. I was raised in the church but was always conflicted and never felt like it was where I was supposed to be. Others who thought they knew me would say otherwise, however, they have no clue how much pretending was going on and how much energy I put into convincing myself it was the only place where I could be happy... because that's what I was told. I woke up one day and realized that if I had to pretend or talk myself into it for one more day I would die... I felt like I was going to die. I was sick, so physically ill with anxiety that I would have welcomed death. Then one day I realized that I had a choice and that I could walk away and it was all made up... Big Belief Number One.

Now, it's easy to see what's happening with religion and institutions and other expansive belief systems... but have you ever stopped to take a look at yourself and ask yourself why you do the things that you do, think the things that you think, say the things that you say or act the way that you act? I mean, have you really ever thought about it and looked deep, deep into the darkest, hidden confines of your being? If you've read my blog AT ALL over the last who knows how many years, I have been ripping myself apart. And it continues... I hold the most insane and ridiculous beliefs about myself, things that are completely made up and untrue. Things that have held me back and have been completely debilitating in certain areas of my life. I realize that everything, all of it is based on that bastard, fear. All of it. I am amazed at myself on a daily basis because of how much I do and don't do based on fear. And this fear is based on belief systems I have about myself or the world.

And every single ounce of it is untrue... none of it is based on truth. This brings me to the question I have ultimately been asking myself over the years:

What is the truth?

The answer? None of it.

And knowing, knowing makes no difference. I know this, however, it is a continuous battle that I fight. Why do I keep fighting? Because I refuse to walk around and sleep my life away in this haze and zombie-like reality that people choose to live in. No more sleepwalking for me, no matter how long it takes...

Thursday, February 23, 2017

A New Thing

And I'm back!

Okay, today is a great day... such a great day. It feels amazing to take action on something that you have wanted for so long, to declare it into existence! It wasn't even hard people, not hard at all. Here's what I did:

1. I sent out a request for space, an open, body moving type of space.
2. Amazing, wonderful people responded with what they knew or had to offer.
3. I contacted a couple of these amazing people to talk about and look at said space.
4. Found a space that works with one friend and had a conversation with another friend about the possibility of creating my own space to suit specific needs with his existing space sometime in the future (so much more excitement to come!).
5. Selected day and time to use the space.
6. Created Facebook page and invited others to share the time and space with me!
7. Will begin new adventure on Monday, February 27th.

This collective is called Formless. There is no plan, expectation or choreography. There is only space to create in the moment. Everyone is welcome and there will be no judgement. Did you hear that? Judgement free zone! In the dance world, they call this improvisation, though I feel it is so much more than that. My expression and creativity flow when I turn down the lights, turn on music that suits my mood and I move my body. Sometimes it's magical and the feeling is inexplainable. It is freedom and I would harness the feeling if I could. 

In addition to the movement, I have created an open forum on the Facebook page for any thoughts or riddles of the mind. I am not sure where all of this is going, all I know is that it is exciting to me beyond measure and it comes from nothing, which means potential for anything. And with that, I will leave you with an epic quote from the one and only Ice Cube, "Today was a good day."

Tuesday, February 21, 2017

Deep Breath

Okay... Deep breath, deep breath.

I have been on a rollercoaster over the last few weeks. I feel as if I may be slowing down for the time being and I am able to think for a moment. There was a time I would be down and out for months... months. I'm starting to get off the ride a little quicker now. 

I read back what I wrote and I am sad at the story I have made up for myself. The story that I am unloveable and the story later that I don't give a shit. I know that it is self created and that I have the opportunity to create something new... believe me, I'm working on it. I sound like a victim and I hate it, there's nothing that disgusts me more. I pretend that I don't have a choice about it and I do. The truth of the matter is, I care a lot. I pretend not to care because it allows me to put up a wall, suffer in anger and keep people out. I can hide in my cave and continue on the way I have been... living in my vicious, self perpetuated circle. Fear is a demon. I have allowed it to stop me and keep me frozen more times than I can count. I will continue to face it, head on. I will continue to tear down the walls I have built and newfound awareness will impede the construction of new ones. 

Gratitude is coming back, though sometimes it gets lost in me. I am grateful, I am love, I am connected. This is my story, my dream... this is the only moment, right here, right now. 

Saturday, February 18, 2017

Friday, February 17, 2017

The Battle

When will I know it? When will the war stop raging in my head? When will I find peace?
I am tired of myself, tired of the same self doubt and feeling as if I must achieve some level of perfection in order to be truly loved... A truly ridiculous need to appear to have it all together. It's instant, my body reacts before I even know what I'm reacting to. I pause to reflect on the the feeling of dread and knots in my stomach. I analyze my words, my thoughts, my way of being. It's the same, time and time again. My body knows it so well it tells me before I can even comprehend it. I lay in bed trying to drain my brain from my skull, longing for relief. 

I have done a lot of work and I have come far. My life is wonderful and I'm the happiest I've ever been. Then comes the one thing I can't escape... the one thing that makes me want to hide away and convince myself I don't need the very thing I want so badly. To know I am worthy of all that I want in this life. To know that I can be myself and that I am perfect, whole and complete.

Monday, February 6, 2017

That Was Then

And this is now...

Being powerful and creating my future were the focus of my 2016.
I'm not sure where to start in describing the incredible life I have created for myself.
If I dare say it, 2016 may have been the best year yet.

The word "can't" used to run my life. I had reasons and excuses for everything... getting the things I wanted always seemed so hard. And with that outlook on life, that's what I got. A life that was hard and I was left constantly longing for more.

What did I want? I wanted to travel. I wanted to FINALLY move in to my own place after depending on others for so many years. I wanted to buy my Subaru to take me on all of my outdoor adventures. I wanted a career change where opportunity for growth and advancement were actually possible. I wanted to take charge of my life instead of it taking charge of me.

What did I get? I traveled. I went to Denver twice and saw the concert of my dreams at Red Rocks. I went to Phoenix twice and fell in love with Arizona. I went to Zion and hiked the entire Narrows; one of the best days of my life. I camped in Joshua Tree, roamed among the jumbo rocks and learned that the desert has my heart. I took the kids to Dinosaur National Monument where they saw fossils that they loved and hiked through a wash in a rainstorm... and we lived. Finally, I had the New Year's Eve of my life on the USS Hornet in the San Francisco Bay.

I bought my car, chose a new career and I moved to my own place... I created my life. I threw away my excuses, I stopped saying, "I can't" and replaced it with, "I can and I will".

Now, I don't want to make it seem like it was easy as pie or a piece of cake to get over my myself. There were times I struggled and I didn't know how I was going to do it... but I did. Every time I took an action regardless of my thoughts and fears, new opportunities opened up for me to accomplish everything I had set out to accomplish. Guess what? It worked out.

NOW is the time. Tomorrow may not come. Live your life regardless of your fears and see what happens. I dare you.

Monday, November 7, 2016

Enough, Moving On

We really do teach others how to treat us. We are the creator of our own lives. We tell the universe that what we want is what is happening by allowing things to continue even though it may not be what we really want. We are saying, "this is fine, this can stay".

It's funny how I continue to not trust myself and then one day I realize that I should have been trusting myself all along. I am a silly human! I know that I know, and these little thoughts and feelings come in to play that have no place and do not belong. They are never right and will always think that they are.

I declare that I will only accept the best and allow the things that I truly want into my life. My life is sacred, special and my own. I long to share it and will share only with those that are deserving and willing to put in as much as I put in. I will continue to be the creator of my own reality and to forge the most beautiful life.