Thursday, August 4, 2016

Thursday, July 14, 2016

Wild Hearts

It's fun to find things you haven't read before, especially among the multitude of quotes.
This one stood out to me in particular. 

Friday, July 8, 2016

What's Funny Is...

not the murders of innocent human beings.
not individuals acting upon emotions and anger.
not judgement, assumptions, prejudice or stereotypes.
not families and homes being ripped apart by senseless acts.
not fear and hatred of a human being because of their race, gender, religion or occupation.

My heart is broken due to the events that have taken place as of late.
What is happening to people?
People are not free to be themselves. They live in fear because they may not be the right gender, race or religion. Where is the support and compassion? Where is the unconditional love for one another? The very individuals employed to protect us are being murdered on the street. Innocent black men are being murdered in their cars during traffic stops. Children are shunned by their families for being gay. People constantly criticize each other's political and religious beliefs on social media because they have to be right.

Why does everyone have to be right?!
Stop the hate, stop the fear, stop trying to control others, stop having to be right.
We all want the same thing. We all want to be happy, healthy, loved.
Where is the love?

Monday, June 20, 2016


I'm just throwing this out there,
out to the universe.

If I can freely be myself with you,
happiness and joy.

What I want most?

Friday, May 27, 2016

Quality Time

Have you ever taken the 5 Love Languages quiz? You should if you haven't if you want to. It's fun and quick. It gives you an idea of how you communicate love and how you love to be communicated with.

Here's mine (from most important to least):

Quality Time - 10
Physical Touch - 8
Acts of Service - 7
Words of Affirmation - 5
Receiving Gifts - 0

Quality Time:
 I LOVE to spend time with the people I care about. It doesn't have to be anything special, just being together is my favorite. Best time ever number 1? Sitting on the couch with Addie on one side and Reggie on the other watching a movie. My kids get my love language. "Mom? Can we sit on the couch and snuggle? Can we sit together and watch a movie? Can I lay by you and will you tickle my back?" Yes, yes, yes and yes. I would rather spend money on creating memories with my family and friends than buying "stuff" any day. I love going out to eat, getting coffee, grabbing drinks, going on hikes or walks, taking a drive up the canyon, road tripping, anything that involves being together and having good conversation. LOVE it!

Physical Touch:
I touch people all the time. Does that sound weird? Well, I can't help myself. My signature move? When I care about you and we are having an awesome conversation I will touch your arm I don't know how many times. I have just realized this about myself. Snuggling with my kids? Perfection. Hugs? I LOVE to hug and not for just a second, but to embrace and to connect. One thing that I haven't done in a million years? Dancing with someone very close. Swaying to the music slowly and holding on to one another... oh how I miss that.

Acts of Service:
If you know me you know that I like to try and do everything myself. I feel like I have to be responsible and accept no help from anyone. I suck at being contributed to. I'm working on it. But! I do appreciate it when someone basically forces me to step aside and takes on something I am overwhelmed with. I appreciate acts that are thoughtful and meaningful. You want to take the trash out for me in the middle of January because I hate the cold and winter so? Thank you!!!

Words of Affirmation:
I don't seek out compliments and I feel very uncomfortable when I receive them. I never know what to say and half the time I don't believe them. Maybe that's why this love language is next to last on my list? I've learned to say "thank you" and be appreciative. But I struggle! I do like to be told that I am appreciated in certain areas of my life, as a mother, as a listener, as a friend. Warms my heart.

Receiving Gifts:
Last the worst of all the game.... this is the one I care about the least. Others could probably attest to this because it is a direct reflection of how great I am at giving gifts. I suck. I am the worst gift giver in the world and I think it's probably because gifts are not super important for me to receive. I like presents, I won't lie, especially when they are thoughtful and something I wouldn't buy for myself. Let's take my birthday for example, if you offered to buy me the fanciest new pair of shoes or offered to take me out on the town? I'd take the night out on the town. I don't need stuff and I don't like to have a lot of it. If you want to give me a gift, make sure it's one where we get to spend quality time together and I can touch your arm or give you a hug. ;)

Tuesday, May 10, 2016


This is beautifully written:

"Listen, the butterflies are out and about. There is no Rewind button, I can’t swallow them back up. And I don’t want to. I promise you this: the dizzying feeling of looking fear square in the eye and then spitting your truth in its face is freedom… is joy… is love. Spit up your truth, swallow your pride."

"I am profoundly changed knowing I don’t have to hold on to anything, save for my heart’s ineffable power to exist in a cascading waterfall of love. Falling in love takes nothing, but gives much. The narrative of my life used to be Unrequited. Today and forevermore, I chooseMagic. I choose Me."

-Megan Shaina Bakva

I discovered something amazing about myself last month. I had just gotten out of the shower and was looking in the mirror drying my face. I was thinking about what it means to actually choose your life, when it hit me. I have never, ever chosen myself. Boom! I laughed out loud so hard that I surprised myself. I could feel the joy running through my veins... I don't know that I've ever felt that much joy! Things that had confused me for so many years started to click and make sense. I have had difficulty choosing a path in life, because I never chose myself. I have had difficulty committing to a relationship, because I never chose myself. I have shied away and ran from my dreams, because I never chose myself. 

I understand now, why we must love ourselves to love another. I FINALLY understand what that means. When you choose yourself as being the person that you are, that is love. Only when you have loved and accepted yourself are you free, vulnerable and able to love another. My eyes well up with tears every time I think about that moment and I remember the joy I felt because it is still with me. So much joy and so much freedom! I get that I am perfect, whole and complete. 

Forever and always perfect, whole and complete... just the way I am.

Saturday, May 7, 2016

To Myself on Mother's Day

If you're a mom that pretends not to carry around guilt at some level on a daily basis, please stand up. I'm pretty sure I've carried it since the day Addie was born and tried to pretend otherwise. I go through a daily regimen of questioning myself in regards to almost every parental action I take. Questions of whether I did something "right" or "wrong" and "what did I do to screw up their lives today?" are thoughts I have on a daily basis.

I've come to accept the fact that no matter what we do as parents our children will inevitably spend their adulthood trying to undo what we have done. But wait... I also pretend that I have accepted this. I've been spending a good amount of the last 5 years of my life trying to undo the meaning, significance and expectation I created in my life. I felt alone in this for a very long time and I am finally realizing that I am not special. I am not the only one in this world trying to unbury themselves from years of who knows what happened to them when they were who knows how old. Who knew you could carry abandonment issues with you because your biological father saw you once when you were 18 months old or so and from that you decided you weren't lovable and had to be perfect in order to be loved and if you weren't perfect then you weren't good enough, therefor unlovable. Yep, welcome to the world I created. So what do you do as an adult when you carry shit like that with you? You push everyone away and never connect with other human beings by living an inauthentic life to keep yourself safe from the hurt and pain of letting anyone in that may one day leave you.

I wonder what meaning my kids will create?

 Let's see... society says divorce is bad, society says mom should have custody of the kids but you don't, society says you shouldn't get along with their dad but you do, society says mommy should go to church but you don't. Should should should should should. Should is a nasty, ugly world. It's hard to draw your own conclusions when you are surrounded by all of the judgemental shoulds of the world along with the shoulds you place on yourself. I shouldn't have gotten upset, I shouldn't be tired, I should've texted, I should've said something different, I should've known...

Take it one day at a time, that's what I do. I try to be present with my kids, I try to think about how my actions occur for them. If I have a not so proud mom moment? I communicate with my kids, we talk about it and I apologize. Communicating about what is going on in life and teaching your kids how to communicate is key. My kids like to tell me 'no' a lot. It drives me crazy because it happens over and over again and I end up frustrated and upset. I finally realized that it's because I haven't taught them to ask for what they want instead of just saying no because they don't like the option I have presented. This is something I have been working on lately. And after all is said and done? Be at peace with the fact that I do the best I can every single day. And guess what? Sometimes I don't do the best I can! When that happens I can communicate, apologize to my kids and then forgive myself and move on. I wish it was easy to do as it is to write in this post, haha! Always a work in progress. Above all, I love my kids with my whole heart and I let them know it 50 times a day. My dream for them is that they grow up to be loving, compassionate, hard working and open minded individuals. I want them to have love for everyone and accept each person for who they are. I want them to know that they can create a life free of shoulds and that everyone is perfect in their imperfection.

I don't carry as much guilt as I used to. It comes around now and then and I remind myself of what I wrote above. It helps me stay in the present and create my relationship with my kids on a daily basis while leaving the past in the past. I can't worry about the future, I can't live in the past, what I can do is be the best mom I can be in the present and love my kids and always let them know it. Addie and Reg have been my lifeline, they ground me and keep me constantly working toward being a better person for them and for myself. They remind me that life is all about love and connection with one another; we are nothing without our relationships. I am so proud to be their mother and I will continue to work my ass off to be the best one possible.

Happy Mother's Day.