Friday, February 17, 2017
When will I know it? When will the war stop raging in my head? When will I find peace?
I am tired of myself, tired of the same self doubt and feeling as if I must achieve some level of perfection in order to be truly loved... A truly ridiculous need to appear to have it all together. It's instant, my body reacts before I even know what I'm reacting to. I pause to reflect on the the feeling of dread and knots in my stomach. I analyze my words, my thoughts, my way of being. It's the same, time and time again. My body knows it so well it tells me before I can even comprehend it. I lay in bed trying to drain my brain from my skull, longing for relief.
I have done a lot of work and I have come far. My life is wonderful and I'm the happiest I've ever been. Then comes the one thing I can't escape... the one thing that makes me want to hide away and convince myself I don't need the very thing I want so badly. To know I am worthy of all that I want in this life. To know that I can be myself and that I am perfect, whole and complete.
Monday, February 6, 2017
And this is now...
Being powerful and creating my future were the focus of my 2016.
I'm not sure where to start in describing the incredible life I have created for myself.
If I dare say it, 2016 may have been the best year yet.
The word "can't" used to run my life. I had reasons and excuses for everything... getting the things I wanted always seemed so hard. And with that outlook on life, that's what I got. A life that was hard and I was left constantly longing for more.
What did I want? I wanted to travel. I wanted to FINALLY move in to my own place after depending on others for so many years. I wanted to buy my Subaru to take me on all of my outdoor adventures. I wanted a career change where opportunity for growth and advancement were actually possible. I wanted to take charge of my life instead of it taking charge of me.
What did I get? I traveled. I went to Denver twice and saw the concert of my dreams at Red Rocks. I went to Phoenix twice and fell in love with Arizona. I went to Zion and hiked the entire Narrows; one of the best days of my life. I camped in Joshua Tree, roamed among the jumbo rocks and learned that the desert has my heart. I took the kids to Dinosaur National Monument where they saw fossils that they loved and hiked through a wash in a rainstorm... and we lived. Finally, I had the New Year's Eve of my life on the USS Hornet in the San Francisco Bay.
I bought my car, chose a new career and I moved to my own place... I created my life. I threw away my excuses, I stopped saying, "I can't" and replaced it with, "I can and I will".
Now, I don't want to make it seem like it was easy as pie or a piece of cake to get over my myself. There were times I struggled and I didn't know how I was going to do it... but I did. Every time I took an action regardless of my thoughts and fears, new opportunities opened up for me to accomplish everything I had set out to accomplish. Guess what? It worked out.
NOW is the time. Tomorrow may not come. Live your life regardless of your fears and see what happens. I dare you.
Monday, November 7, 2016
We really do teach others how to treat us. We are the creator of our own lives. We tell the universe that what we want is what is happening by allowing things to continue even though it may not be what we really want. We are saying, "this is fine, this can stay".
It's funny how I continue to not trust myself and then one day I realize that I should have been trusting myself all along. I am a silly human! I know that I know, and these little thoughts and feelings come in to play that have no place and do not belong. They are never right and will always think that they are.
I declare that I will only accept the best and allow the things that I truly want into my life. My life is sacred, special and my own. I long to share it and will share only with those that are deserving and willing to put in as much as I put in. I will continue to be the creator of my own reality and to forge the most beautiful life.