I was thinking about hope today. I was taking a lovely bath in the pink jetted tub with some delicious lavender oil while I contemplated it. I was listening to Safetysuit (who I saw play in SLC last night, amazing) and realized a pattern in many if their songs...hope.
Maybe that's why I love them so much? And maybe it's because they are the best band live, ever.
Anyway, back to hope. I have dark days, this month has held some of them, but the one thing that keeps me going is hope for a better day. I realized, as I was drinking a delicious green tea latte in my bath, that I was happy today and full of hope. I have so many great things in my life and I am thankful for the immense amount of support I have from friends and family. Are things the way I want them to be forever? No. But I can wait and enjoy the ride while I'm at it.
Wednesday, September 26, 2012
Sunday, September 23, 2012
Decisions
"He still had some doubts about the decision he had made. But he was able to understand one thing: making a decision was only the beginning of things. When someone makes a decision, he is really diving into a strong current that will carry him to places he had never dreamed of when he first made the decision."
-Paulo Coelho, The Alchemist
-Paulo Coelho, The Alchemist
Friday, September 21, 2012
The Same
"...when each day is the same as the next, it's because people fail to recognize the good things that happen in their lives every day that the sun rises."
- Paulo Coelho, The Alchemist
- Paulo Coelho, The Alchemist
Tuesday, September 18, 2012
Not So Inspiring
This week has sucked.
Too many sad things happen in this world and it sucks.
Should I say 'suck' one more time to try and prove my point?
Most of the things that ruined my week are not even directly related to me and should be easily brushed aside... But no.
A death, a tumor, and a stroke are not ok, whether they are directly related to me or not.
I struggle with hardship in this life. This can range anywhere from someone losing their job or breaking a bone to someone getting cancer or dying that I don't even know. I can't read the newspaper or watch the news. If I do it results in a lump in my throat that remains until I can quickly distract myself. Besides feeling deep sadness for the one it fell upon, I feel despair for their family and loved ones as well. It truly effects my daily life and I swear that this cannot be normal (I know I'm not normal, ok). I want so badly to be able to jump in and save them or take responsibility so I can go back and change events so they won't have to experience the sadness. Why am I such a martyr?
I cringe when Reggie skins his knee or bites his lip, or when Addie has a stool land on her toe and it turns blue. I can't handle it, I absolutely cannot. It's been so bad that I continually look up stories regarding the Mayan calendar and how the world could end in December... Sadly enough I discovered this to be untrue. I just want everyone on the earth to be twinkled and taken to heaven. That's not too much to ask for, right? I don't want there to be anymore suffering; no more sadness and heartache. I want everyone to be in a better place because I know there is one. What's sad is that we don't even know the half of it. I can't imagine what starvation or genocide is like in other countries or slavery or persecution.
Why do I want to take it all on and save the world from all of this? I don't know, but I do it anyway and it's wearing me out. The funny thing is that I work with children almost everyday that have gone through things I can't even imagine and I plan on doing some kind of work in this field for the rest of my life. As much as I hate it, I love it. I relish in any sort of hope or optimism there may be, any bit of progress. All I want to do is save those kids, but I know I can't. All I can do is look for a spark, an inkling of hope that they may see how they can do it for themselves. As for my own kids, I try every day with all my heart to be the best mom I can be and to teach them how to be happy with themselves. I try not to freak out with every scraped knee (but I do) and I hope for nothing more than their health, success, an happiness.
I am an awful wreck inside, I tell you. I'm pretty sure I only hold it together for the sake of my wonderful offspring but I need to figure out how to release this load for myself. It's making me feel like an old lady:)
Too many sad things happen in this world and it sucks.
Should I say 'suck' one more time to try and prove my point?
Most of the things that ruined my week are not even directly related to me and should be easily brushed aside... But no.
A death, a tumor, and a stroke are not ok, whether they are directly related to me or not.
I struggle with hardship in this life. This can range anywhere from someone losing their job or breaking a bone to someone getting cancer or dying that I don't even know. I can't read the newspaper or watch the news. If I do it results in a lump in my throat that remains until I can quickly distract myself. Besides feeling deep sadness for the one it fell upon, I feel despair for their family and loved ones as well. It truly effects my daily life and I swear that this cannot be normal (I know I'm not normal, ok). I want so badly to be able to jump in and save them or take responsibility so I can go back and change events so they won't have to experience the sadness. Why am I such a martyr?
I cringe when Reggie skins his knee or bites his lip, or when Addie has a stool land on her toe and it turns blue. I can't handle it, I absolutely cannot. It's been so bad that I continually look up stories regarding the Mayan calendar and how the world could end in December... Sadly enough I discovered this to be untrue. I just want everyone on the earth to be twinkled and taken to heaven. That's not too much to ask for, right? I don't want there to be anymore suffering; no more sadness and heartache. I want everyone to be in a better place because I know there is one. What's sad is that we don't even know the half of it. I can't imagine what starvation or genocide is like in other countries or slavery or persecution.
Why do I want to take it all on and save the world from all of this? I don't know, but I do it anyway and it's wearing me out. The funny thing is that I work with children almost everyday that have gone through things I can't even imagine and I plan on doing some kind of work in this field for the rest of my life. As much as I hate it, I love it. I relish in any sort of hope or optimism there may be, any bit of progress. All I want to do is save those kids, but I know I can't. All I can do is look for a spark, an inkling of hope that they may see how they can do it for themselves. As for my own kids, I try every day with all my heart to be the best mom I can be and to teach them how to be happy with themselves. I try not to freak out with every scraped knee (but I do) and I hope for nothing more than their health, success, an happiness.
I am an awful wreck inside, I tell you. I'm pretty sure I only hold it together for the sake of my wonderful offspring but I need to figure out how to release this load for myself. It's making me feel like an old lady:)
Thursday, September 13, 2012
Be Still
Be still and know that I'm with you
Be still and know that I am here
Be still and know that I'm with you
Be still, be still, and know
When darkness comes upon you
And covers you with fear and shame
Be still and know that I'm with you
And I will say your name
If terror falls upon your bed
And sleep no longer comes
Remember all the words I said
Be still, be still, and know
And when you go through the valley
And the shadow comes down from the hill
If morning never comes to be
Be still, be still, be still
If you forget the way to go
And lose where you came from
If no one is standing beside you
Be still and know I am
Be still and know that I'm with you
Be still and know I am
- The Fray
Be still and know that I am here
Be still and know that I'm with you
Be still, be still, and know
When darkness comes upon you
And covers you with fear and shame
Be still and know that I'm with you
And I will say your name
If terror falls upon your bed
And sleep no longer comes
Remember all the words I said
Be still, be still, and know
And when you go through the valley
And the shadow comes down from the hill
If morning never comes to be
Be still, be still, be still
If you forget the way to go
And lose where you came from
If no one is standing beside you
Be still and know I am
Be still and know that I'm with you
Be still and know I am
- The Fray
Tuesday, September 11, 2012
A Gut Feeling
Why is it that as many times as I've reminded myself to go with my gut it's so easy to overlook what your gut is telling you?
I went to a funeral today of a very good friend of mine. Clint Ballard and I were really good friends in high school and after, but of course as life goes, we lost touch over time. People used to tease us a lot in high school because they were certain we were hooking up even though we never did. We just spent a lot of time together cause we could talk about anything. He used to call me kid and say that we were "boys" (good friends). We went to dances, we wrote while he was on his mission in Jamaica, we kept in touch when he came home and he even came to my wedding reception. I've seen him on and off since then at Provo city softball games and at UVU. I happen to run into his family regularly while I'm out shopping and it's like no time has passed at all. Over the past few months I've been thinking about how I needed to get in touch and see how he's doing but with my life as crazy as it is now, I never got around to it.
I heard some terrible news on Friday. I heard that he had taken his own life the day before. I was sick and I've been sick about it ever since. Clint? Clint? There was no way! I like to say that I don't have regrets but I do now. Why didn't I listen to myself? I am heartbroken because if there is one person that should still be on this earth it's him. He was a wonderful, caring person who gave the best hugs in the universe. I am queen of the coulda shoulda wouldas and I have done nothing but dwell on what I wish I would have done. His sister Brook reminded me today that everything happens for a reason. I know she's right but I'm struggling now to find out what that might be. I hope to find out some day...
Clint you will be dearly missed and I hope that you have found peace. I can't imagine what you must have been struggling with and what you were feeling, but I hope that you have found what you were looking for.
I am proud to have known you and to be able to call you my friend.
I went to a funeral today of a very good friend of mine. Clint Ballard and I were really good friends in high school and after, but of course as life goes, we lost touch over time. People used to tease us a lot in high school because they were certain we were hooking up even though we never did. We just spent a lot of time together cause we could talk about anything. He used to call me kid and say that we were "boys" (good friends). We went to dances, we wrote while he was on his mission in Jamaica, we kept in touch when he came home and he even came to my wedding reception. I've seen him on and off since then at Provo city softball games and at UVU. I happen to run into his family regularly while I'm out shopping and it's like no time has passed at all. Over the past few months I've been thinking about how I needed to get in touch and see how he's doing but with my life as crazy as it is now, I never got around to it.
I heard some terrible news on Friday. I heard that he had taken his own life the day before. I was sick and I've been sick about it ever since. Clint? Clint? There was no way! I like to say that I don't have regrets but I do now. Why didn't I listen to myself? I am heartbroken because if there is one person that should still be on this earth it's him. He was a wonderful, caring person who gave the best hugs in the universe. I am queen of the coulda shoulda wouldas and I have done nothing but dwell on what I wish I would have done. His sister Brook reminded me today that everything happens for a reason. I know she's right but I'm struggling now to find out what that might be. I hope to find out some day...
Clint you will be dearly missed and I hope that you have found peace. I can't imagine what you must have been struggling with and what you were feeling, but I hope that you have found what you were looking for.
I am proud to have known you and to be able to call you my friend.
Sunday, June 24, 2012
A Wonderful Day for a Funeral
Tuesday June 19, 2012 was a memorable day.
It was one of the most overwhelmingly emotional days of my life.
The Friday before this day I received a phone call. It was from a woman I had never spoken to before but Davey had spoken to her once around Christmastime. Her name is Ruth. Ruth is the ex-daughter-in-law of my biological grandmother, Dorothy. She informed me that Dorothy had passed away a few days before. I didn't know how to feel, but I was sad.
Over the past four years or so I have kept in touch with Dorothy through letters and she would send Adelaide and Reggie presents for Christmas. I would send her Christmas cards and pictures of the kids. We had talked about getting together to meet up eventually, but that never happened. I was not aware that 6 months ago she was given 6 months to a year to live due to congestive heart failure. She made it 6 months.
A strange occurrence happened a while back when my grandma Liechty was at a Daughter's of the Utah Pioneers awards banquet. They were announcing an award and the winner of this award was Dorothy Iman. My grandma recognized the name as being that of the mother of my biological father. She approached Dorothy after the banquet and before my grandma could say anything Dorothy said, "It's about Megan, isn't it?". They had a conversation, exchanged some information, and that is the way I came to have a relationship with my biological grandmother.
When I spoke to Ruth that Friday she told me that Dorothy would love nothing more than for me to come to her funeral. So I agreed.
I didn't realize what I was getting myself into until the day of the funeral. I was entering the lions den. I was entering a place where I knew no one, and no one knew me. It was a room full of people with my DNA and I had never met any of them. I was scared to death. Thank goodness I had my children, mom, and grandma Liechty there to support me. When we arrived at the funeral home my mom and I had a 10 minute debate on whether to go into the viewing room where they were about to have family prayer or to just sit in the chapel. We decided to slip into the chapel and sit quietly. I thought it might be better to wait until after the funeral to introduce myself to everyone. But that isn't the way it worked out. My mom went to high school with one of the funeral directors, she asked him if he would let the family know that I was there. We were sitting in the chapel when he came back and told us that the family would really like us to go into the viewing room. Oh crap! What was I doing?!! I was terrified. I knew who would be in there. My biological father, brothers and sisters I had never met, aunts and uncles I had never met, cousins I had never met.
I never thought this day would happen. I never cared about meeting my biological family. The family I have is amazing and there's no reason I would need that in my life. However, it all changed that day.
I couldn't wait to see where I came from, see if there was a resemblance, see siblings I never knew I had, and to speak to the man who chose not to be a part of my life.
My mom, Addie, Reggie and I walked into the room. I instantly felt eyes on me and I wasn't sure what to think. I was searching for someone I knew, but I knew no one. The funeral director took us to the woman who had told us to come, it was my aunt Lee and she was sitting by Garry, my biological father. I can't even describe the look on their faces. It was humble, it was kindness, it was happiness, it was longing. We spoke for a minute when Garry told me to hurry up to the casket before they put the veil over Dorothy's face. I made it just in time. She looked peaceful and beautiful. It was the one and only time I had seen her and it was for only seconds before they covered her up forever. I walked to the back of the room again where Garry was telling mom how there were no words he could say. I agreed, there were just no words. I was then introduced to two of my brothers, Eric and Alex and Eric's children. I couldn't believe it, I have two other brothers.
The funeral was lovely. I wish I could have known the woman they were speaking about, but I knew I would meet her in person one day. We attended the graveside where I met my aunt Gretchen and her children. There were other family members I met that I can't even remember, it was overwhelming but wonderful. We were invited to the luncheon which I thought was beyond nice. I was able to chat more with Garry and Eric. Funny enough, we became Facebook friends. Garry told me that this never would have happened if it wasn't for me, I had to be the one to do it. I guess he was right, it was my call. I gave him my phone number and he asked me if it would be alright to have a get together with the family sometime. I said yes. I couldn't believe I said yes, but I did and it felt right.
We hugged everyone and went on our way. It was the most surreal experience of my life. It was like a dream. A very happy dream. My dad will always be my dad there is no question, but I never knew it would feel so good to discover this missing piece of me. It was a very hard, very scary decision but I know I did the right thing. It was the best funeral I had ever been to.
Thank you Dorothy for bringing us together.
You worked a miracle. I love you and rest in peace.
It was one of the most overwhelmingly emotional days of my life.
The Friday before this day I received a phone call. It was from a woman I had never spoken to before but Davey had spoken to her once around Christmastime. Her name is Ruth. Ruth is the ex-daughter-in-law of my biological grandmother, Dorothy. She informed me that Dorothy had passed away a few days before. I didn't know how to feel, but I was sad.
Over the past four years or so I have kept in touch with Dorothy through letters and she would send Adelaide and Reggie presents for Christmas. I would send her Christmas cards and pictures of the kids. We had talked about getting together to meet up eventually, but that never happened. I was not aware that 6 months ago she was given 6 months to a year to live due to congestive heart failure. She made it 6 months.
A strange occurrence happened a while back when my grandma Liechty was at a Daughter's of the Utah Pioneers awards banquet. They were announcing an award and the winner of this award was Dorothy Iman. My grandma recognized the name as being that of the mother of my biological father. She approached Dorothy after the banquet and before my grandma could say anything Dorothy said, "It's about Megan, isn't it?". They had a conversation, exchanged some information, and that is the way I came to have a relationship with my biological grandmother.
When I spoke to Ruth that Friday she told me that Dorothy would love nothing more than for me to come to her funeral. So I agreed.
I didn't realize what I was getting myself into until the day of the funeral. I was entering the lions den. I was entering a place where I knew no one, and no one knew me. It was a room full of people with my DNA and I had never met any of them. I was scared to death. Thank goodness I had my children, mom, and grandma Liechty there to support me. When we arrived at the funeral home my mom and I had a 10 minute debate on whether to go into the viewing room where they were about to have family prayer or to just sit in the chapel. We decided to slip into the chapel and sit quietly. I thought it might be better to wait until after the funeral to introduce myself to everyone. But that isn't the way it worked out. My mom went to high school with one of the funeral directors, she asked him if he would let the family know that I was there. We were sitting in the chapel when he came back and told us that the family would really like us to go into the viewing room. Oh crap! What was I doing?!! I was terrified. I knew who would be in there. My biological father, brothers and sisters I had never met, aunts and uncles I had never met, cousins I had never met.
I never thought this day would happen. I never cared about meeting my biological family. The family I have is amazing and there's no reason I would need that in my life. However, it all changed that day.
I couldn't wait to see where I came from, see if there was a resemblance, see siblings I never knew I had, and to speak to the man who chose not to be a part of my life.
My mom, Addie, Reggie and I walked into the room. I instantly felt eyes on me and I wasn't sure what to think. I was searching for someone I knew, but I knew no one. The funeral director took us to the woman who had told us to come, it was my aunt Lee and she was sitting by Garry, my biological father. I can't even describe the look on their faces. It was humble, it was kindness, it was happiness, it was longing. We spoke for a minute when Garry told me to hurry up to the casket before they put the veil over Dorothy's face. I made it just in time. She looked peaceful and beautiful. It was the one and only time I had seen her and it was for only seconds before they covered her up forever. I walked to the back of the room again where Garry was telling mom how there were no words he could say. I agreed, there were just no words. I was then introduced to two of my brothers, Eric and Alex and Eric's children. I couldn't believe it, I have two other brothers.
The funeral was lovely. I wish I could have known the woman they were speaking about, but I knew I would meet her in person one day. We attended the graveside where I met my aunt Gretchen and her children. There were other family members I met that I can't even remember, it was overwhelming but wonderful. We were invited to the luncheon which I thought was beyond nice. I was able to chat more with Garry and Eric. Funny enough, we became Facebook friends. Garry told me that this never would have happened if it wasn't for me, I had to be the one to do it. I guess he was right, it was my call. I gave him my phone number and he asked me if it would be alright to have a get together with the family sometime. I said yes. I couldn't believe I said yes, but I did and it felt right.
We hugged everyone and went on our way. It was the most surreal experience of my life. It was like a dream. A very happy dream. My dad will always be my dad there is no question, but I never knew it would feel so good to discover this missing piece of me. It was a very hard, very scary decision but I know I did the right thing. It was the best funeral I had ever been to.
Thank you Dorothy for bringing us together.
You worked a miracle. I love you and rest in peace.
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