Where Have I been?

I feel like I haven't had a free minute to do much of anything lately. I don't even think I can remember what it is I've done, but it's definitely something. I know it's a mix of work, appointments to get into my major at school, helping some people out, being a mom, etc. But it's good. I love to be busy. I feel like I accomplish a lot when I'm busy, even if I can't remember what it is I've done. On the other hand, it's nice to chillax and take time to read some of my favorite blogs, try and finish my book, bake something delicious, you know, things like that.

While I was chillaxing just a minute ago, I was in the middle of reading the blog of my long lost, across the country sister-in-law. Her grandpa just passed away and her post broke my heart. She wrote about some of her memories and how much she will miss him. I hope you and your family are doing well B.

I was speaking with my grandma (on my moms side) earlier today and she was filling me in on how my grandpa was doing these days. He has not been doing very well the past couple of years. He has struggled with prostate cancer which has continued to spread slowly for the last who knows how many years. It's been so long now I can't even remember. In the past two years or so he has been on a slow but incredibly painful decline. He is now on hospice and has had so many additional illnesses on top of the cancer that have wasted his body away.
We have always been so close and he has always been my number one supporter. I know his time is drawing near and after reading my sister-in-laws post, I know it will come faster than I approve of. I pray for his body to be relieved from the pain it is going through, but can't help but selfishly want him to stick around a little longer for me.

I try not to dwell on it, but the line 'time goes by so fast, cherish every moment' goes through my mind daily. I am so thankful for the time I have with the members of my family. I love them dearly and wish that time could go by half as fast. At least. There is nothing more important in this world than the ones you love.
Cherish every moment....

Auf Wiedersehen News

As of today, I am finally boycotting the news. I did this once before and it was the best thing that ever happened to me. I started watching it again because I have an addiction to the weather. I love to watch the weather. The sneaky media loves to tease and taunt you by only doing pieces of it until the end of the broadcast, then they show you the 7 day forecast. They know people like me will stop watching as soon as the forecast is over. Do they have us figured out or what?

I always get the most awful feeling when I watch the news. I would have to say that 95% of it is comprised of bad, horrible things. Stuff that usually makes me pretty emotional. I turn it off at the end of the night and feel like crap. So why do I keep watching? Oh yeah, the weather. Freaking weather.

Then it hit me, I can eliminate those terrible feelings by not watching the news. What an epiphany! I remembered that there is this amazing thing we have these days called the internet. There is even a little widget on the desktop of the computer with the forecast. Or, I can even check Fox's website and go straight to the weather. Amazing.

So, from this day on, I officially declare myself news free. Free of awful, nasty feelings that do not need to be felt. I am banishing it from my life and hopefully banishing all of the extra crap that does not need to be known or felt by me. Let it be known, I am free.

What To Be When I Grow Up

I'm pretty sure I've finally decided on what I want to do when I grow up. It's taken me ten years after graduating from high school to figure it out, but hey, what the heck. The counselor I spoke with after taking the Myers Briggs test inspired me to really go after what I love and just do it. Up until this point I've never felt completely right about choices I made for possible career paths. I started thinking about the things I really enjoy and the things that intrigue me. I started searching online and came upon the ADTA website. As I've been delving deeper into my brain and it's psychological processes, I've been more interested in the field of psychology. The only thing is that I don't want to be a psychologist. I've always been in love with dance and other types of movement such as yoga, but I don't want to go to school for strictly modern or ballet which are pretty much the only degrees offered in dance. I guess I don't want to be limited to one area, I'd like to be free to express what I want, and help others at the same time.

I discovered dance/movement therapy. I am so excited about this discovery. I don't know why I haven't thought about it before, it completely makes sense to me. I'm going to matriculate into the Integrated Studies program and study the connections between dance/movement and psychology. I think it will be amazing and I'm totally psyched about it. Do people still say psyched? Well, I do now. Bring it back people.

Sweet Motivation

I came upon this site via Design Mom which means almost everyone has probably already seen them, but just in case........................

© 2007 Frederic Terral

They are some of the coolest motivational posters I've ever seen. Very inspired art I say.
Click here to see the rest. I want to fill my house with almost every one.

Strength

I am truly amazed at the strength we humans possess. How many days, hours, minutes are we pushed to our limits, yet we persevere? Too many, but we keep going and grow stronger every time. It is always the moment I feel like I can't take anymore that I realize I can. I've come this far, so why not continue and see what happens? Things can only get better right? That's what I tell myself and I absolutely refuse to lie to myself anymore so it must be true.

If I could only figure out why every time I think I have it all figured out, I realize I don't. That must be the riddle of life. To figure it out to not have it figured out after all. Make sense? Of course not. What does? Out of the 1 million things I have done in my life, I think only about 5 of them have turned out the way I wanted. Those odds suck! Probably because I didn't know what I wanted until I had already made all of those choices. As I lay these thoughts out, I pray that others in this world do not go through the same things as I, or anything like it. That would mean that people are not as well put together and happy as I think they are. Then what would I have to aspire to, to have as an example?

So, when I think about these things, that's when I remember. I remember that I am strong and I can take on anything I have to. I don't believe there is anything that comes to us that we can't handle. I think the key is remembering that in the hardest of times. I imagine myself being an old woman, sitting in my comfy recliner with a constant grin on my face. That's when I will be content because I will know that I have it all figured out. I've been there done that and I'll know that the hard times are behind me. Too good to be true? Probably, but here's hoping.

A Test

I took the Myers-Briggs Type test today for the first time. I feel like I'm the last one in this world to know about it, but maybe not. It's a personality type test to help a person figure out what they might be best at (profession wise) in this life. I didn't know quite what to expect, but I must say that I am totally impressed. It had me pinned down to a T.

I didn't initiate this test on my own, my manager asked me to take it because we are going to a Myers-Briggs conference tomorrow. She thought it would be a good idea to take it so we had a fresh understanding of it before the conference. After taking the test, I feel like I was supposed to take it now, just for me.

I probably wouldn't have ever taken this on my own because I wouldn't have thought about it. But, it's probably one of the most helpful, and personally insightful things I've ever done. I think it goes along well with my journey of self-discovery. Along with therapy and now this test, it has opened up my eyes so much to what kind of person I am and what I can become. At least for the moment. I sat with a counselor for over an hour going over what every part of the test meant, according to my life and personality. It was really quite insightful actually.

He made me realize that we should take our passions and the things we really love, and go for them. Like I've said before, we are the only ones that hold ourselves back and I truly believe that. I thought about all of the things I've wanted to do and why I haven't done them. All because I told myself I couldn't for one reason or another. All of the excuses I've given myself have been lame and absurd really. There is no reason I cannot do what I want to and that's that.

So my point is......if you haven't taken it before I highly recommend it. It's kind of amazing how much you can learn about you!

What Is Normal?

That is a question I have been pondering a lot lately. What constitutes a person being "normal"?

I've been thinking about this so much because my brain doctor has been comparing me to that word a lot lately. I've been seeing him for a few months now and the insight and observations I've been given have helped me tremendously. It's amazing how someone who is not you, and who is not close to you, can see so much by being completely objective as to just the facts of your life and events that ensue.

Well, two weeks ago he dropped a bomb on me that I was not prepared for. It was one of those 'that could never be me' moments. But, as I've been thinking about it, it is totally me. Looking back on the eight years of my life that I've felt this way, I can see and know that what he told me is true. When I outline my life and lay it out in front of me, I can see a nasty pattern, and it continues to repeat itself without my complete awareness. On a scale from one to bad, I'm in the middle so it could be worse. That always makes a girl (me) feel better. What's funny is that as time goes on and I continue to live, if I don't make some changes, I will forever feel this way that I feel. What's also funny is that this whole time, I thought that this is just life and that's the way life is. My perception of reality was and is completely askew. But, for me this is normal, this is life, my life, and I've never known anything different.

So again I ask, what is normal? If things have never been any other way and you don't know any different, isn't that normal? People are all so different, who's to say what's messed up and what's not. For all I know everyone has some form of disorder that makes them unique. We just don't know what disorder it is. We all have to deal with the cards we were dealt, whether we want to or not. You are the only one that can make your life your own and learn to live it the best way you can and you do that with what you have. If you have some mental issues, physical issues, or issues you don't even know about, you take what you have and you make life the best it can be.

My doc asked if I wanted to hear what his prediction of my life would be at age 50 if I didn't set some things straight. I told him to go for it and what I heard scared the crap out of me. It wasn't because I though his prediction would come true because that's what he thought, it was because I could actually see and know that what he said was right. I could see it and I did not like what I saw.

Now I'm on a quest to learn to harness my energy in the most positive ways possible. Learn how to be "normal" so I can have a decent, hopefully long life. Why does everything have to be such a fight?!! I don't know, but nothing good ever came out of giving up. At least that's what I've heard.

As my good friend Dag Hammarskjold once said (or maybe twice, who knows):
Life only demands from you the strength you possess. Only one feat is possible - not to have run away.