Long Time

I can't believe it's been so long since I've posted. I wish I had more time but life is so busy right now.

But things are good and I am feeling good.
Happy Easter!

Passing

I don't deal with death very well, not even a little bit.

We've gone to the same pediatrician since the day Adelaide was born. Dr. Gregory Nielsen was the on-call doctor at UVRMC and came to check on her in the hospital after she was born. We liked him so much that we chose him to be our doctor. That was over seven years ago. Today I went to his viewing... he was only 38 years old. That's only 7 years older than me; it really makes you think.

I found out that he had passed last weekend. I couldn't believe it... we just took the kids to see him a couple of months ago. He was healthy, happy, alive. He contracted an airborne strain of staph, it damaged his heart, his heart threw a clot, the clot went to his brain, he had a stroke, and he died. This all happened within days. I'm still in shock as to how sudden, how sad, and to how quickly life can be taken. He left behind his wife and 4 children under the age of 11. I can't even begin to imagine how they must be feeling at this moment. My heart goes out to his family and loved ones.

I'm pretty sure I believe in an afterlife. There has to be so much more than this. Life is good, but life is hard, we learn lessons, we are always moving forward and progressing. It has to be for some reason, right? He's in a better place, a place of peace and comfort, I'm sure. But then there are those he has left behind, or the people that have been left behind after anyone has passed away. All of those people left to mourn, grieve, and to figure out how to go on in this life. How to stop missing them so badly, how to survive financially, how to go on with everyday tasks without breaking down in tears. They have to figure out how to find happiness again and how to take care of their children on their own. It's all so overwhelming... I don't like it.

I know that people figure these things out, we are resilient beings. But for me, the sadness is just too much. I hope that one day when we are all dead that we can look back on life and laugh about how hard we thought everything was. Laugh about how it was such a miniscule moment in time and laugh about how wonderful everything is because we survived it and made it past the obstacle we all dreaded. But in the meantime, this girl has to figure out how to deal, how to not be so afraid...

A First

I went on my first bike ride of the year this afternoon. It was an absolutely beautiful day. I love the warm days we get here and there before spring actually hits. It's a tempting little taste of what is to come.

I rode from my house down to the Jordan River Parkway trail. It was my first time in the area and I loved it. There are parks, picnic areas, and there are even a few fishing ponds. I rode for about 6 miles today and it felt amazing, although I think I'm going to be sore tomorrow...

Only So Much

I'm starting to realize that there is only so much you can do.

Everything I have been doing lately has seemed to do nothing but bite me in the ass. I am trying to be honest, I am trying to follow my gut, I'm trying to be up front with people, and I'm trying to confide in my friends to form closer relationships. I guess it was my mistake in thinking that these things would only bring positive consequences. I've also been trying really hard to stop thinking that I can make people understand me and see things how I see them. I know this is impossible but I think that if they could only understand how I am feeling that it would make everything better. It would resolve the issue... But this can't be done. This can't be done because you cannot control what other people say, think, or do. Everyone has a choice and sometimes those choices affect you and there's nothing you can do about it. The only thing you can change is your attitude toward it.

I'm frustrated... I think that I am doing the right things but soon discover that I am wrong. Maybe I just need to be patient, maybe I'm still on the right track but I need more time. Maybe some things just aren't meant to be...

Self Reliance

"When you find yourself searching for the strength to grow outside your situation, however ideal or horrifying it may be, read this book. When you find yourself adopting the opinions of those surrounding you rather than waking each day with the joy and dare I say burden of exploring and exposing that which is authentically you, read this book. We live in a world where the strongest survive; where those who are unafraid to speak their personal truth end up writing ours for us. Simply put, a life lived in the shadow of fear is a life wasted."

-Andrew McMahon regarding Ralph Waldo Emerson's "Self Reliance"

Awesome

I need to start being more awesome:) 

Found via pinterest