Journey

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I love pictures like this; long roads, winding paths or rivers. All of them are going somewhere and most of the  time they are so long that you don't know exactly where to. They involve beauty, rocks, twists, turns and uncertainty along the way. Whenever I find myself on a road or path, I can't help but press forward, wondering, waiting, and working with what I have ahead of me. All of it holds wonder, excitement, fear, and ups and downs. 

I see myself heading down yet another path. Another road of hard work, uncertainty and fear. Fear is my enemy and the anxiety in my chest. I detest it yet it has taken up a comfortable residency within me. I have goals, ones which require a lot of work, time, and dedication. My hope is that in just over three years I can look back and say it was worth it. 

I keep telling myself that I'm not in a rush, yet at the same time I am in a rush. I want to establish the life I want to live and find my comfortable place in this world. I want to figure out my issues with love and hopefully one day I can say that I have truly found it. I want to be in a place where I work to live but I live for my kids and that I can spend every spare minute with them. I want to have fun, travel, not stress about every single penny I have or don't have. I am doing my best to enjoy and live life in the moment and it is good... life is good. I think I need a little break, just a little one. Maybe a boost of hope, help, or to find one thing I can hold on to. I continue to grasp at something but I can't quite reach it. 

My mind clouds my way most of the time. I need to figure out how I can clear my mind, stop thinking and let my intuition and heart lead the way. I know that if I can do this, everything will work out.

A New Day

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It's Okay

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I have this perfectionist problem.

I try to remind myself of this every day.

A Letter

I started a new job this week that I am really excited about...

I started working for my friend Shane who is a loan officer and has his own branch of Citywide Home Loans. I'm excited because it is a small office with some great people and there is potential to make more money. That never hurts, right? I also decided finally, for sure, that I am going to apply for grad school this fall. It has to be done, it just does. Educational psychology here I come...

I left my job of 14 months as a youth counselor at Heritage Schools and it was extremely bittersweet. It was a very stressful job because your safety and the safety of the kids is always in question. It paid extremely low and there wasn't much room for growth. I worked with the same home of 12 girls every morning and then approximately 50 girls while they were in school. Previous to that I worked in the intensive support area where the kids went at their worst moments. I met some amazing kids who have crazy and unimaginable real-life struggles. I formed relationships with them and was basically their parent away from home. It's hard to feel appreciated in an environment like that sometimes but my supervisors did an amazing job at trying to let you know you were doing a good job (especially when a raise wasn't an option). :)

I received this letter right after I put in my notice:

It was a great place and I had an amazing experience. I was taught how to validate and talk to children and these are things I want to do in raising my own kids. Last but not least, I worked with the most amazing people ever and I will miss you dearly! I am thankful for the experience I had but am eager for what is to come!

Jan & Feb

I am so behind on posting. Here are some pictures that sum up the last couple of months.

Jan =

Reg picked his nose.

Add and I read books.

We played with cap guns (yes I said guns).

Looked adorable and had chocolate milk mustaches.

Fell asleep on mommy during dinner.

Went rollerskating and she was amazing at it.

Saw the most amazing show of my life.

Saw my first film festival movie ever (Sound City).

Stayed in beautiful Park City.

Went to Cabela's and saw THE polar bear.

Cut his hair all by myself for the first time.

We colored, a lot.

Feb =

Enjoyed this as much as possible.

Add and Sophie sad and empty handed at Target.

The sickest I've been in years. Sore throats, strep, colds...

Went with  my ladies to The Westerner.

Had a cousin movie night with Mulan.

Destroyed the block towers.

Ate too much candy.

Add loves her computer games.

Discovery Gateway fun.

Time goes by so fast but I must confess that
I'm beyond excited for spring and the fun it will bring!

Allowing

"Allowing someone else to make us happy will make them happy too."
- Paulo Coelho

I've been thinking about this a lot lately. I have an extremely independent spirit which serves me well but I have realized that it is also a detriment. From the time I was young I have always wanted to do things on my own. I was ashamed when I needed help and often turned it down regardless of my need for it. I have a drive to succeed and take care of myself and my children but it has been really hard because frankly, I am POOR. I have had to rely on support to survive (pay rent, food, etc.) which has been the hardest thing in the world for me. I have a college degree with a full-time job in my field and I make below the poverty level.  This I hate with a passion. I discovered that even when I was married I would push Davey away because I felt like I could do things better on my own. I am in a position now where I am over being poor and over waiting for something to happen. I need to make decisions that will put me in a better position (I can only take being miserable for so long). This independence applies to financial as well as relationship-type areas of my life. Most of the time I think that I should be single forever because I would be happier without the stress of relying on another person or them relying on me (sad but true, it is a stress for me). However, I like the company of others and I don't want to be alone forever (I don't think so anyway).

The point of all of this is... I need to figure out how to let others in and allow them to help me which I know will make them as well as myself a happier person. When I constantly push away help and love from others I make them irritated with me which in turn makes me irritated with them. It's a vicious cycle. It's hard... I know I need to go back to school, or find an opportunity to make more money to provide for my family but I also know I may have the opportunity in the future where I may need to let someone in and learn how to need their help, take care of, and love me.

So, with all of this I decided that I needed to make a goal. My goal is to allow others in. Allow them to help, love, and care for me. I have a wall that I need to tear down which will take a lot of work but it needs to be done. I don't think I can truly be happy until I conquer this. I'm making this my one and only resolution for the year (as much as I hate resolutions). I think conquering this will help everything else fall into place.

I know a lot of change is in my future and I'm excited for it. Change is good, change is growth.

January

January is the hardest month of the year for me. By this time I am tired of the cold, tired of the snow, tired of the drab, grey days. I know that a day is what you make of it, but all of these factors make it really hard to feel cheery. It is this time of year, every year, that the spark to move to a less dreary climate is reignited. My desire to migrate south is strong but it seems impossible. It's hard to pick up and leave when there are more factors keeping me here than the single one pushing me to move. My friends and family keep me here... I stay so I can be close to them and continue my relationships. I wish I could convince them all to come with me; I think I will work on that. It's no biggie to uproot your family, find a new job, find a new place to live and move, right? Ha! I wish...

So, in the meantime my goals are to:
-Not get depressed
-Go tanning because it helps my mood whether or not it's good for my skin
-Plan and look forward to fun things to do
-Stay warm
-Start exercising more often

And... I'm counting down the days until our trip to Capo Beach... 11 weeks = 77 days

California, I'll see ya soon:)