We have been having the most amazing winter of my life! I must admit, I am selfish and I know we need the water... but I don't care. Right here, right now, today and it's glorious 65 degrees... I don't care. Jeana and I went for a walk this morning along the Jordan River Trail where I took this picture. There was the most gorgeous blue sky, clear and pollution free (at least visibly), ducks swimming in the water and people enjoying the outdoors. The sun felt soooooo good on my skin! I even sat outside and read my homework for two hours and when I was done, I spotted a little tan line. Glorious!
Jeana and I always have great talks. We can talk about, analyze and dive into any subject possible. I love this. I love to think and wonder and question everything. This is something I have finally allowed myself to do over the last few years. It has opened me up to new possibilities and experiences... it has changed my thinking, beliefs and desires for what I want in this life and what I think will come of the next.
This has also caused me great frustration. I used to have such a tight, controlling grip on my life, insomuch that I was an anxious, neurotic mess. I forced myself to be different people in different situations, I wouldn't leave my children with anyone, that way I would know they were safe, I followed the instructions to make sure I was living the life I was "supposed" to be living, not the one I believed I could choose. Nothing unexpected happened... I knew exactly what was going to happen.
This winter has held many unexpected things for me. So many of the things I thought I wanted to happen, have not. Some people have left my life when I've wanted them to stay while others have come back when I thought they never would. Another person's loss has become my gain. My mind has gone crazy in trying to figure out why things don't make sense and the logic behind it. I am trying to figure out why I am headed down this path in school, why did I choose this and why does it feel right? My heart tells me it's the right direction but my mind tells me I'm crazy because I want to live a certain lifestyle and I am going into a profession that makes nothing! It's a conundrum. I feel like I have no control and then I realize that I never really did. I am a firm believer in the networking of the universe and that everything has a hand in molding and directing you to where you should be going.
At this time I sit in complete abandon to the universe (I'll try anyway). I will let go of it all and let what is to be, be. I will continue to make choices that I feel are right and put my faith in the fact that everything will continue down the path that it should. I will allow anything to happen and hope that the outcome will make me feel as amazing as this unexpected warmth in a usually cold Utah February.
