"Everything flows out and in; everything has its tides; 

all things rise and fall; the pendulum-swing manifests in everything; 

the measure of the swing to the right is the measure of the swing to the left; 

rhythm compensates."

-The Kybalion

My Favorite Things

Favorite #1

I took this Picture at The Killers concert on Friday night. I love it. I love music, I love live music. I love it so much that I'm willing to be squished like a sardine and sweat to death on the floor so I can jump up and down and feel the incredible energy... Awesome. The show was a-freaking mazing!

Favorite #2

I took the kids, along with mom, Davis and Jake to temple square to see the lights yesterday. The old tabernacle is totally amazing to me... The lights were gorgeous and it was so warm! I didn't even need gloves. That's one for the history book:)

Favorite #3

Family get togethers. I love getting together with my family, especially during the holidays. I want to make sure my kids have fun memories of their childhood and their family.

Favorite of all Favorites

These two, oh how I love these two!!!!!!!! They make me the happiest mom in the whole world. They make me laugh, smile, and go crazy... I wouldn't trade them for all the money in the world.

Life is good :)

A Poem

"Life is no straight and easy corridor along

which we travel free and unhampered,

but a maze of passages,

through which we must seek our way,

lost and confused, now and again

checked in a blind alley.

But always, if we have faith,

a door will open for us,

not perhaps one that we ourselves

would ever have thought of,

but one that will ultimately

prove good for us."

-A.J. Cronin

Night Night

There is nothing I look forward to more than the days I have with my kids. We have so much fun and they make me so glad I'm their mom. I have to write about this because I don't want to forget.

Bed time is a disaster.
They are hyper, goofy, and not even close to tired. They laugh uncontrollably, lick each other, one likes to "toot my butt" in the others face, stand up on the bed and fall back which most often results in hitting a head on the wall, coming out from the bedroom asking for water multiple times (Reg), making sure their trucks and dolls are protected snug and tight with their blankies, talking and laughing through the prayer, purposely laying arms and legs on top of each other, screaming and laughing through storytime, and last but not least... lots of fun and lots of love. There are many hugs and many kisses before I'm allowed to leave the room.

I love it... it drives me crazy, but I love it.

An Idea

I have an idea brewing and I'm really excited about it. It's a business adventure, actually. I hope I don't scare myself off because I think it could be really good. I've never thought of myself as a business owner but I think this one might just work for me. I need to stay focused and keep my eye on the prize. Sometimes I tend to talk myself out of things because I let fear get in the way; I cannot let it get in the way...

I'll let you know when it happens:)

The Sweetest Girl

I love this picture of Addie, it fits her to a T. She is my free little spirit and loves the beach and Disneyland as much or more than I do. She turned 7 on Saturday, which I am having a tough time believing. It seems like it was just yesterday I was sleeping on the couch when I got up at 4 a.m. to use the bathroom and my water broke. Now she is my big first-grader and is the smartest little thing.

She is the most caring, loving big sister ever. She loves to snuggle while watching movies and is currently obsessed with polar bears. She loves school (except having to wake up at 7 to get ready) and has had a crush on a boy named Bricky for more than a year. She loves to have movie nights with popcorn and never complains about doing homework. We play dress up, turn the music up (which consists of Single Ladies by Beyonce and She Thinks My Tractor's Sexy by Kenny Chesney on repeat) and have dance parties in the living room. Her favorite food would probably have to be eggs and she still loves Oreos.

We had a party at the park tonight and it was really fun. She was looking forward to it all day and I'm pretty sure she had a great time:) Many months ago she requested a mermaid cake. I asked her a few weeks ago to make sure that is what she still wanted and she informed me that she decided she wanted a polar bear/mermaid cake. Oh goodness, this is what I came up with...

She loved it.
(Can you see the polar bears on the ice on the ocean with the sea life below?)

I love you so much! You are my sweetheart and I am so thankful to have you in my life! I look forward to seeing your beautiful face and you make me happier than you can even imagine!

The Sweetest Boy

I love this boy. 

We decided to go for a walk this morning to see the horse up the street. Her name is Ranchetta but we like to call her lettuce. Lettuce has been locked up in her barn for the last few weeks and all we get is to see her peek out from the window. Since we couldn't hang out and feed her, we decided to go for a longer walk. We walked up the street holding hands, looking at houses, collected rocks, and talked about the leaves on the trees. On the way back I looked down and told him I loved him, he said he loved me, too. 

I've been trying to be very patient lately, about life. I usually want things to change and I want them to change right now, but I am trying to be happy where I am and I am trying to listen to where my heart tells me to go. Today I looked down at my boy and felt nothing but pure joy and love. I am so happy with the fact that I want nothing but to be with and love my children. On our way back Reggie asked me to hold him. I picked him up and he hugged me and he continued to hug me the almost 4 blocks back to our place. He didn't say a word the entire walk back, he just held me with his tiny little arms and laid his head on my shoulder. I whispered to him and cried... I am so blessed, I am so thankful to have them in my life. They will lead me to where I need to go, I know they will. 

Best Quote Yet

"Remember that wherever your heart is, there you will find your treasure. You've got to find the treasure, so that everything you have learned along the way can make sense."

-Paulo Coelho, The Alchemist

Hope

I was thinking about hope today. I was taking a lovely bath in the pink jetted tub with some delicious lavender oil while I contemplated it. I was listening to Safetysuit (who I saw play in SLC last night, amazing) and realized a pattern in many if their songs...hope.

Maybe that's why I love them so much? And maybe it's because they are the best band live, ever.

Anyway, back to hope. I have dark days, this month has held some of them, but the one thing that keeps me going is hope for a better day. I realized, as I was drinking a delicious green tea latte in my bath, that I was happy today and full of hope. I have so many great things in my life and I am thankful for the immense amount of support I have from friends and family. Are things the way I want them to be forever? No. But I can wait and enjoy the ride while I'm at it.

Decisions

"He still had some doubts about the decision he had made. But he was able to understand one thing: making a decision was only the beginning of things. When someone makes a decision, he is really diving into a strong current that will carry him to places he had never dreamed of when he first made the decision."

-Paulo Coelho, The Alchemist

The Same

"...when each day is the same as the next, it's because people fail to recognize the good things that happen in their lives every day that the sun rises."

- Paulo Coelho, The Alchemist

Not So Inspiring

This week has sucked.

Too many sad things happen in this world and it sucks.

Should I say 'suck' one more time to try and prove my point?

Most of the things that ruined my week are not even directly related to me and should be easily brushed aside... But no.

A death, a tumor, and a stroke are not ok, whether they are directly related to me or not.

I struggle with hardship in this life. This can range anywhere from someone losing their job or breaking a bone to someone getting cancer or dying that I don't even know. I can't read the newspaper or watch the news. If I do it results in a lump in my throat that remains until I can quickly distract myself. Besides feeling deep sadness for the one it fell upon, I feel despair for their family and loved ones as well. It truly effects my daily life and I swear that this cannot be normal (I know I'm not normal, ok). I want so badly to be able to jump in and save them or take responsibility so I can go back and change events so they won't have to experience the sadness. Why am I such a martyr?

I cringe when Reggie skins his knee or bites his lip, or when Addie has a stool land on her toe and it turns blue. I can't handle it, I absolutely cannot. It's been so bad that I continually look up stories regarding the Mayan calendar and how the world could end in December... Sadly enough I discovered this to be untrue. I just want everyone on the earth to be twinkled and taken to heaven. That's not too much to ask for, right? I don't want there to be anymore suffering; no more sadness and heartache. I want everyone to be in a better place because I know there is one. What's sad is that we don't even know the half of it. I can't imagine what starvation or genocide is like in other countries or slavery or persecution.

Why do I want to take it all on and save the world from all of this? I don't know, but I do it anyway and it's wearing me out. The funny thing is that I work with children almost everyday that have gone through things I can't even imagine and I plan on doing some kind of work in this field for the rest of my life. As much as I hate it, I love it. I relish in any sort of hope or optimism there may be, any bit of progress. All I want to do is save those kids, but I know I can't. All I can do is look for a spark, an inkling of hope that they may see how they can do it for themselves. As for my own kids, I try every day with all my heart to be the best mom I can be and to teach them how to be happy with themselves. I try not to freak out with every scraped knee (but I do) and I hope for nothing more than their health, success, an happiness.

I am an awful wreck inside, I tell you. I'm pretty sure I only hold it together for the sake of my wonderful offspring but I need to figure out how to release this load for myself. It's making me feel like an old lady:)

Be Still

Be still and know that I'm with you
Be still and know that I am here
Be still and know that I'm with you
Be still, be still, and know

When darkness comes upon you
And covers you with fear and shame
Be still and know that I'm with you
And I will say your name

If terror falls upon your bed
And sleep no longer comes
Remember all the words I said
Be still, be still, and know

And when you go through the valley
And the shadow comes down from the hill
If morning never comes to be
Be still, be still, be still

If you forget the way to go
And lose where you came from
If no one is standing beside you
Be still and know I am

Be still and know that I'm with you
Be still and know I am

- The Fray

A Gut Feeling

Why is it that as many times as I've reminded myself to go with my gut it's so easy to overlook what your gut is telling you?

I went to a funeral today of a very good friend of mine. Clint Ballard and I were really good friends in high school and after, but of course as life goes, we lost touch over time. People used to tease us a lot in high school because they were certain we were hooking up even though we never did. We just spent a lot of time together cause we could talk about anything. He used to call me kid and say that we were "boys" (good friends). We went to dances, we wrote while he was on his mission in Jamaica, we kept in touch when he came home and he even came to my wedding reception. I've seen him on and off since then at Provo city softball games and at UVU. I happen to run into his family regularly while I'm out shopping and it's like no time has passed at all. Over the past few months I've been thinking about how I needed to get in touch and see how he's doing but with my life as crazy as it is now, I never got around to it.

I heard some terrible news on Friday. I heard that he had taken his own life the day before. I was sick and I've been sick about it ever since. Clint? Clint? There was no way! I like to say that I don't have regrets but I do now. Why didn't I listen to myself? I am heartbroken because if there is one person that should still be on this earth it's him. He was a wonderful, caring person who gave the best hugs in the universe. I am queen of the coulda shoulda wouldas and I have done nothing but dwell on what I wish I would have done. His sister Brook reminded me today that everything happens for a reason. I know she's right but I'm struggling now to find out what that might be. I hope to find out some day...

Clint you will be dearly missed and I hope that you have found peace. I can't imagine what you must have been struggling with and what you were feeling, but I hope that you have found what you were looking for.
I am proud to have known you and to be able to call you my friend.

A Wonderful Day for a Funeral

Tuesday June 19, 2012 was a memorable day.
It was one of the most overwhelmingly emotional days of my life.

The Friday before this day I received a phone call. It was from a woman I had never spoken to before but Davey had spoken to her once around Christmastime. Her name is Ruth. Ruth is the ex-daughter-in-law of my biological grandmother, Dorothy. She informed me that Dorothy had passed away a few days before. I didn't know how to feel, but I was sad.

Over the past four years or so I have kept in touch with Dorothy through letters and she would send Adelaide and Reggie presents for Christmas. I would send her Christmas cards and pictures of the kids. We had talked about getting together to meet up eventually, but that never happened. I was not aware that 6 months ago she was given 6 months to a year to live due to congestive heart failure. She made it 6 months.

A strange occurrence happened a while back when my grandma Liechty was at a Daughter's of the Utah Pioneers awards banquet. They were announcing an award and the winner of this award was Dorothy Iman. My grandma recognized the name as being that of the mother of my biological father. She approached Dorothy after the banquet and before my grandma could say anything Dorothy said, "It's about Megan, isn't it?". They had a conversation, exchanged some information, and that is the way I came to have a relationship with my biological grandmother.

When I spoke to Ruth that Friday she told me that Dorothy would love nothing more than for me to come to her funeral. So I agreed.

I didn't realize what I was getting myself into until the day of the funeral. I was entering the lions den. I was entering a place where I knew no one, and no one knew me. It was a room full of people with my DNA and I had never met any of them. I was scared to death. Thank goodness I had my children, mom, and grandma Liechty there to support me. When we arrived at the funeral home my mom and I had a 10 minute debate on whether to go into the viewing room where they were about to have family prayer or to just sit in the chapel. We decided to slip into the chapel and sit quietly. I thought it might be better to wait until after the funeral to introduce myself to everyone. But that isn't the way it worked out. My mom went to high school with one of the funeral directors, she asked him if he would let the family know that I was there. We were sitting in the chapel when he came back and told us that the family would really like us to go into the viewing room. Oh crap! What was I doing?!! I was terrified. I knew who would be in there. My biological father, brothers and sisters I had never met, aunts and uncles I had never met, cousins I had never met.

I never thought this day would happen. I never cared about meeting my biological family. The family I have is amazing and there's no reason I would need that in my life. However, it all changed that day.
I couldn't wait to see where I came from, see if there was a resemblance, see siblings I never knew I had, and to speak to the man who chose not to be a part of my life.

My mom, Addie, Reggie and I walked into the room. I instantly felt eyes on me and I wasn't sure what to think. I was searching for someone I knew, but I knew no one. The funeral director took us to the woman who had told us to come, it was my aunt Lee and she was sitting by Garry, my biological father. I can't even describe the look on their faces. It was humble, it was kindness, it was happiness, it was longing. We spoke for a minute when Garry told me to hurry up to the casket before they put the veil over Dorothy's face. I made it just in time. She looked peaceful and beautiful. It was the one and only time I had seen her and it was for only seconds before they covered her up forever. I walked to the back of the room again where Garry was telling mom how there were no words he could say. I agreed, there were just no words. I was then introduced to two of my brothers, Eric and Alex and Eric's children. I couldn't believe it, I have two other brothers.

The funeral was lovely. I wish I could have known the woman they were speaking about, but I knew I would meet her in person one day.  We attended the graveside where I met my aunt Gretchen and her children. There were other family members I met that I can't even remember, it was overwhelming but wonderful. We were invited to the luncheon which I thought was beyond nice. I was able to chat more with Garry and Eric. Funny enough, we became Facebook friends. Garry told me that this never would have happened if it wasn't for me, I had to be the one to do it. I guess he was right, it was my call. I gave him my phone number and he asked me if it would be alright to have a get together with the family sometime. I said yes. I couldn't believe I said yes, but I did and it felt right.

We hugged everyone and went on our way. It was the most surreal experience of my life. It was like a dream. A very happy dream. My dad will always be my dad there is no question, but I never knew it would feel so good to discover this missing piece of me. It was a very hard, very scary decision but I know I did the right thing. It was the best funeral I had ever been to.

Thank you Dorothy for bringing us together.
You worked a miracle. I love you and rest in peace.

Long Time

I can't believe it's been so long since I've posted. I wish I had more time but life is so busy right now.

But things are good and I am feeling good.
Happy Easter!

Passing

I don't deal with death very well, not even a little bit.

We've gone to the same pediatrician since the day Adelaide was born. Dr. Gregory Nielsen was the on-call doctor at UVRMC and came to check on her in the hospital after she was born. We liked him so much that we chose him to be our doctor. That was over seven years ago. Today I went to his viewing... he was only 38 years old. That's only 7 years older than me; it really makes you think.

I found out that he had passed last weekend. I couldn't believe it... we just took the kids to see him a couple of months ago. He was healthy, happy, alive. He contracted an airborne strain of staph, it damaged his heart, his heart threw a clot, the clot went to his brain, he had a stroke, and he died. This all happened within days. I'm still in shock as to how sudden, how sad, and to how quickly life can be taken. He left behind his wife and 4 children under the age of 11. I can't even begin to imagine how they must be feeling at this moment. My heart goes out to his family and loved ones.

I'm pretty sure I believe in an afterlife. There has to be so much more than this. Life is good, but life is hard, we learn lessons, we are always moving forward and progressing. It has to be for some reason, right? He's in a better place, a place of peace and comfort, I'm sure. But then there are those he has left behind, or the people that have been left behind after anyone has passed away. All of those people left to mourn, grieve, and to figure out how to go on in this life. How to stop missing them so badly, how to survive financially, how to go on with everyday tasks without breaking down in tears. They have to figure out how to find happiness again and how to take care of their children on their own. It's all so overwhelming... I don't like it.

I know that people figure these things out, we are resilient beings. But for me, the sadness is just too much. I hope that one day when we are all dead that we can look back on life and laugh about how hard we thought everything was. Laugh about how it was such a miniscule moment in time and laugh about how wonderful everything is because we survived it and made it past the obstacle we all dreaded. But in the meantime, this girl has to figure out how to deal, how to not be so afraid...

A First

I went on my first bike ride of the year this afternoon. It was an absolutely beautiful day. I love the warm days we get here and there before spring actually hits. It's a tempting little taste of what is to come.

I rode from my house down to the Jordan River Parkway trail. It was my first time in the area and I loved it. There are parks, picnic areas, and there are even a few fishing ponds. I rode for about 6 miles today and it felt amazing, although I think I'm going to be sore tomorrow...

Only So Much

I'm starting to realize that there is only so much you can do.

Everything I have been doing lately has seemed to do nothing but bite me in the ass. I am trying to be honest, I am trying to follow my gut, I'm trying to be up front with people, and I'm trying to confide in my friends to form closer relationships. I guess it was my mistake in thinking that these things would only bring positive consequences. I've also been trying really hard to stop thinking that I can make people understand me and see things how I see them. I know this is impossible but I think that if they could only understand how I am feeling that it would make everything better. It would resolve the issue... But this can't be done. This can't be done because you cannot control what other people say, think, or do. Everyone has a choice and sometimes those choices affect you and there's nothing you can do about it. The only thing you can change is your attitude toward it.

I'm frustrated... I think that I am doing the right things but soon discover that I am wrong. Maybe I just need to be patient, maybe I'm still on the right track but I need more time. Maybe some things just aren't meant to be...

Self Reliance

"When you find yourself searching for the strength to grow outside your situation, however ideal or horrifying it may be, read this book. When you find yourself adopting the opinions of those surrounding you rather than waking each day with the joy and dare I say burden of exploring and exposing that which is authentically you, read this book. We live in a world where the strongest survive; where those who are unafraid to speak their personal truth end up writing ours for us. Simply put, a life lived in the shadow of fear is a life wasted."

-Andrew McMahon regarding Ralph Waldo Emerson's "Self Reliance"

Awesome

I need to start being more awesome:) 

Found via pinterest