Now, please bear with me. I'm going to compare myself to the "as is" section at IKEA for a moment. For anyone that has continued to read this over the years, you will know that I have thought to have known what was "wrong" with me on multiple occasions. Are you ready for one more? I think this might be the ultimate answer, the top of the list, the over-arching theme to all of the other messed up parts of me. And... I am going to continue to apologize for this blog not being so uplifting (again), which was my original goal. I swear I will get back there, I think I have to clear some things up first.
This week has sucked. I've felt like shit and it basically revolves around my feelings and reactions to relationships. Not just romantic, but with my family, kids and friends. I fret about this a lot because the number one thing I want in my life is to have good relationships with everyone who is important to me. I want to be a great friend, mom, sister, daughter, etc. Anna and Steve have been attending Landmark sessions and I take advantage of this by listening and picking their brains when they get home. After having a tearful conversation with Anna this morning, I realized a magnificent realization. I have mentioned similar things about similar topics in the past, but basically, I feel that I am unlovable. This is sadness, incredible sadness.
I have struggled with insane amounts of social anxiety since getting divorced. I was many different people pre-divorce. I made sure I fit in everywhere and with anyone. I was who I thought people expected me to be and I could make myself feel loved by becoming exactly the person I thought I needed to be for them. This caused incredible problems for me and everyone around me because I never knew who I was or what I believed. It's not surprising that I ended up on depression/anxiety meds and divorced, eh? I'm sure people who have known me throughout my life have wondered who the hell I am because I was always back and forth from one extreme to another or creating some sort of chaos in between.
Let's bring it back to the near-present. I vowed to discover what I truly want and believe in since becoming single and having much more time to myself. It has been hard, so hard! Deconstructing the mess that I created has been one hell of a ride, however, I feel that I've gotten to a very good place. And I have. There is a very important piece, though, that I am struggling to discard. This little thing about me feeling unlovable. I am now the most vulnerable that I have ever been in my life. I am wide open and ready for hurt and pain. I am standing in my "as is" condition. I will no longer pretend to be someone I am not because I know where that leads. So, this results in an incredible amount of vulnerability and I am not used to this. It is terrifying. But don't you worry, if my name is Megan, and it is, I have found a perfectly good coping mechanism to continue to protect me from heartache. Does it work you ask? Oh it does. But guess what? It is keeping me from what I really, REALLY want in this short, short life. What is this you ask? To have connections and intimacy. To really feel connected to another individual is what I want more than anything money can buy. The catch is that I am so scared because of the fraud I had been for almost all of my life... that no one will actually love me for me.
So how do I protect myself? I create a self-fulfilling prophecy. I assume that I am unlovable and with this I create unrealistic expectations for others and if they cannot meet those expectations then they have ultimately let me down and I have confirmed that I am indeed, unlovable. You don't say the things I think you should say? You don't text or call me as much as I think you should? You don't show love in the way I think you should show it? Adios.
Now that, that is heartbreaking. I am sad, so sad because I know that I deserve love, everyone does. My head tells me one thing but I don't actually believe or feel it. I have been trapped in feeling disconnected for so long that I am terrified of what would happen if I actually felt that connection and intimacy. What would I do? How do I do it? The unknown is a scary place. But guess what? I am done! I no longer want to live in fear. Fear is so evil, it is the only evil. It destroys everything and prevents the amazing possibility for us to live in the present and create the very future we want and hope for.
I know I am an amazing, strong woman with unlimited potential. I am capable of so much and I want to realize all of it. Now how do I believe it?!
