Time To Make Something Happen

When I Hear Your Name

 

 I'm having a hard time shaking this depression thing. It's not too bad, but it's there... lingering and letting me know that it's still around.

I have spent the last couple of weeks contemplating my mortality. I have had a few experiences lately which reminded me how precious and how short this life really is.

September 3rd marked 5 years since my grandfathers death. I love him dearly and miss him so much. I sing the song You are my Sunshine to my kids all the time because he used to sing it to me. It seems like it was just yesterday...

I have a friend who has been struggling with the death of his sister for almost 9 years. It has come up in conversation on a number of occasions and a week or so ago he asked me if I thought he would see her after he dies. There was a time when I would have said... absolutely, yes, without a doubt. I hate to admit it, but I honestly couldn't say that I knew he would. At that moment I knew I had lost my connection to spirit, to something greater than this life and world. It affected me greatly; I started to wonder what in the world happened to me. I've been thinking about death along the lines of our bodies going back into the ground and becoming a different part of the earth. I stopped thinking about what would become of the human part of us... our souls and our spirit. I began thinking about all of the loved ones I've lost and have yet to lose. What would I do if I couldn't see or be with them again?

As I began contemplating all of these thoughts and feelings, I realized that September 6th was soon approaching. And then it was here. One year ago on September 6th, my friend Clint decided to end his battle with this life. I struggle with it to this day. I have regrets... regrets that I didn't listen to myself when I thought that I should contact him early last year. Regrets that I wasn't a better friend. Regrets that I didn't know some of the things I think I should have known. That morning I sent Brook a text, sent Keelie a message on Facebook and called his mom. I needed them to know I was thinking about them and that I love them. I won't brush off another feeling or thought again...

I had such a good conversation with his mom. I felt things I hadn't felt in a long time... I felt like I was being watched over, a connection, a feeling of comfort. I don't know how else to explain it without sounding cheesy. It's been 4 days since that conversation and the feeling hasn't left me. I want to hold on to it tightly and never let it go... I don't want to forget. I've been missing this for so long and I realize now how important it is to me. I can't imagine going through this life to merely end up in the ground to become grass for a cow to eat and to poop back on the ground again... I can't!

I have no clue what happens after this life but I know that our relationships here on this earth are so important that they must continue with us after we are gone. We need other human beings, we need connections to survive. Our spirit thrives because of our relationships with other people... I need my children, my friends, my family and I now know more than ever that somehow we continue to need each other, even after our physical bodies are gone.

Beautiful

My friend Erin sent this to me today... I'd say she knew what I needed to hear.

"After a while, you learn the subtle difference between holding a hand and chaining a soul. And you learn that love doesn't mean leaning, and company doesn't mean security. And you begin to learn that kisses aren't contracts, and presents aren't promises. And you begin to accept your defeats with your head up and your eyes open, with the grace of a woman, not the grief of a child. And learn to build all your roads on today because tomorrow's ground is too uncertain for plans, And futures have a way of falling down in midflight. And after a while, you learn that even sunshine burns if you get too much. So you plant your own garden and decorate your own soul, Instead of waiting for someone to bring you flowers. And you learn that you really can endure...That you really are strong And you really do have worth. And you learn and learn...With every goodbye, you learn."

-Author Unknown

Don't Give Up

Via Pinterest

I write quite often about how I need more patience.

It's hard to be strong sometimes... it takes so much work.

I feel like I'm always trying to hold it together, put on a brave face.

I go about my day acting as if nothing phases me for the most part.

It's not true... I am easily phased.

This past week and a half has been hard, I've been tired, lonely and depressed.

I want so many things yet it seems like nothing is lining up at the moment.

I know it's hard to see what lies down the road from where you stand.

It's hard to see how the things that are happening right now are creating the future.

I am hoping to get some resolution, some clue as to what to do next.

I have been living each day, enjoying what I have but I struggle with being grateful.

There are so many people I know who are going through hard, terrible things.

Mine seem so petty and ridiculous in comparison.

It's like I don't even have a right to feel the way I do.

I feel like I am cut out for so much more than what I am or what I'm doing.

But what? That's the tough question.

What?