A Need

I feel the need to create, to do something new, beautiful and free. I'm not sure why, but I absolutely cannot do the same things for too long. I have a little over 3 weeks left of this semester and it is killing me! I have one 12-15 page paper to write, a 20 minute PowerPoint, a test to write with a scoring key, blueprint and critique. It seems so overwhelming and daunting, I cannot concentrate!

I want to dance, I want to decorate, I want to color, I want to do anything that is unstructured and anything that is my own. I want to write my children each a poem for Christmas, paint the background and get it framed for their room. I want to finish the star garland I started making at the beginning of the year for their room as well. I want to blog, I want to go running, I want to meet new people...

I feel like I will be confined to my own little world for a while and it's a little scary. I am completely unattached, I'm broke, and I don't have much in the way of free time. This is a recipe for, sit my butt at home for the next two years and hopefully in the meantime you get a raise at work and a break here and there to go travel the world like you so desperately want to do...

Do you want to know what my perfect world would be?
Here it is... A part-time job where I can help people and feel like I am contributing and earning my keep. Enough money for a lovely little house of my own, just big enough for me and the kids. A little yard with a garden and beautiful trees. Someone to spend time with, to go on adventures with, to sit and do nothing with (someone who communicates :)). To live in a place where I can be outside every single day of the year enjoying nature in one way or another (this means no snow!). To have as much time with my children as I can possibly have. To be active, healthy, strong and happy. To feel the relief of plenty of money in the bank. To get on a plane and travel the world and visit amazingly beautiful places with interesting cultures, food and people.

The funny thing is, I just read that last paragraph back imagining I was reading the thoughts and desires of someone else. I wanted to imagine what someone would be thinking after reading it and the first thing that came to mind was... well, why the hell aren't you living it?! It doesn't seem difficult, it's just choices! Why don't you do it?! It seems like it should be so much easier after reading what I just wrote. I guess I should've gone into a profession that didn't involve social services and gone back in time to make different choices involving my children 3 years ago. So, now...

Here I am in grad school, best decision I ever made (I hope). I am hoping that this sacrifice and feeling like I am stuck beyond stuck will eventually pay off due to this choice. I am hoping it will propel me to places I never thought of. I am hoping I can let go of my fears and let it take me where it may, regardless of the risk of leaving certain things behind or possibly creating new challenges regarding my kids. I am cut out for so much more than this... I know it. I want to fly, I want to flourish, I want to do great things.

Out with the Old

I have to let some things go. I have held on to some ideals and people for so long, I can actually feel the grip on the inner workings of my brain.

Some things are easy for me to just let roll off my shoulders, actually, most things do. I don't hold grudges, I don't hate or get angry with next to anyone. But there are a few things, just a few that I am realizing have set up permanent residence.

I've read article after article and story after story on how we need to let go and how all of these experiences have helped us become who we are. I believe it whole-heartedly and I thought I had done a pretty good job in that department, but I am finding that that is not the case.

I want great, wonderful things and I am working toward it. I realize though, that if I am to continue to move on and progress to my own personal greatness that I need to live this life for me! No one else! Everything will work out as it should, everyone will be fine, everyone will find their own way and I cannot let others decisions affect my own. I am shutting it down and I am refusing to follow, wait or hope for change. It is what it is and I will pull myself up by the bootstraps and march on!

To everyone and everything I have allowed to hold me back... adios, auf wiedersehen, goodbye!