So Beautiful

The card did not tell me who these are from.


Thank you so much for the beautiful flowers and the thoughtful note.
It means so much, thank you, thank you, and thank you again.

Re-Post of Thankful

* I felt it only proper, especially in light of recent events, to post this again.
Happy Thanksgiving everyone.


I know it's not Thanksgiving yet, but I am feeling the need to express my thanks for the things in my life.
I wish I was a gifted writer so I could truly convey my feelings and have others understand. Well, that just wasn't my gift and I am ok with that. I am THANKFUL for that.
Let me explain:

I have been doing some thinking lately about the events that have taken place in my life. Some wonderful, some not so much. Some so good I could scream with happiness, some so bad I wanted to scream in absolute agony (and I did). I must confess that most of the bad has come from my very own creation. Yep, mine. Me, myself and I. This has transposed into many problems for me in the here and now. I've been dwelling on them a lot lately. It seems that I've developed a case of the shoulda-woulda's. Now, I know very well that shoulda-woulda's do absolutely nothing for the here and now. So I must change this way of thinking. Things are the way they are (period). That is the end of the story. So, what must I do? I must go on with life. Go on with life with a thankful heart. The reason I must go on with a thankful heart is because it makes life easier. It makes it easier and it makes it better.

I had a discussion with a co-worker of mine this past week. We were talking about how powerful our minds are and how they help us heal. She is the one who brought up the fact that we need to be thankful. Thankful for everything. The good and the bad. The good things and the bad things have brought us to where we are today. Those actions and decisions have made us who we are and will continue to mold us into what we will become.

As I've jumped around from blog to blog, discovering joys and tragedies of other people, I've discovered again how thankful I am. Thankful that I have my own joys and my own tragedies and these are my own. My very own. No one elses. And I am thankful for that. How would I deal with anyone else's tragedies!? I couldn't, but I can deal with my own. But, the tragedies of others do help me remember what I am grateful for. Maybe someone else's joy would not be my own if it were mine. So I find joy in what I have. Oh how the grass seems greener sometimes!

Now, it comes down to this.
I am thankful for everything in my life, EVERYTHING!
From the bad days to the good. The sickness to the health. The lessons learned to the ones I have yet to learn. From the lovely summer days to the bitter cold months of depression.
I am thankful for my family and the fact that they stick with me through thick and thin (man I put them through a lot). I am thankful for my constant battle with my body, and my mind.
I am thankful for the questions that run through my mind about religion, education, and politics. I am thankful for the opportunity to go to school, however long it may take me. I am thankful for a home to live in and a car to drive. I am thankful to live in America. I am thankful to wake up each and every morning. I am thankful to be able to walk on my two legs, and use both arms. I am thankful to see, hear, breathe, speak, touch, and smell. I am thankful for my money mistakes and spontaneous purchases that shouldn't have been made. I am thankful for the fact that I can eat, even though my food options are limited. I am thankful for books, good stories, and learning. I am thankful for faith, and the sheer determination to do what's right. I am thankful for good friends. I am thankful for my green thumb. I am thankful for my job. I am thankful for our stinky dog. I am thankful for a husband that forgives me and gives me a quadrillion chances. I am thankful for a daughter who loves her mommy. I am thankful for a shower so I can be clean every day. I am thankful for a kind, compassionate, forgiving God. I am thankful for my ability to dance, to do yoga, and ride my bike. I am thankful to live in such a beautiful state. I am thankful for the hair on my head. I am thankful for Math, though I hate it. I am thankful for Jesus Christ. I am thankful for Disneyland. I am thankful for Doctors. I am thankful for alternative healers. I am thankful for my birthday and the fact that I get older and wiser every year. I am thankful for dark chocolate. I am thankful for Adelaide wanting to help me in the kitchen. I am thankful for the President. I am thankful for Oprah and how she makes me glad I'm not her. I am thankful for the sun. I am thankful for blogging. I am thankful for the ocean and the mountains. I am thankful for the one moon in the entire sky and the stars that surround it. I am thankful for music. I am thankful for inspiring quotes that remind me. I am thankful for this life that has been given to me.
I am thankful for this life that has been given to me.

That is it. What it all comes down to. And I'm thankful for everything that comes with it. Because without sorrow there is no joy. Without this life, how would I learn? What could I know? How could I grow? One day I will find out what this is all about. In the meantime, I will be thankful and I will drink in all that comes way. I will love, learn, grow, and simply be..........
thankful.

You Can't Always Get What You Want (you get what you need)

I am hoping that somewhere in the near future I will learn what it is that I need. I feel like I have been put through trial after trial over the past 14 months with not an answer in sight.
I must apologize right now because I am extremely emotional and I need to get this off my chest.
Six weeks ago we went to the doctor and saw a little heartbeat on the monitor. I was seven weeks along. I can't explain the excitement/anxiety I felt over this event. This would be my fifth pregnancy, the three previous pregnancies ending up in miscarriages. But we had so much hope because we never saw a heartbeat with the other miscarriages. Also, this time around I felt really sick, I was exhausted, I could not function. All I wanted to do was sleep. Other good signs because I didn't feel this way with the miscarriages. Two weeks went by, one night I had some bleeding. Great! I was sure we were doomed. 9 weeks and bleeding = not good. We went to the ER and had an ultrasound. But it was good news! They could see a little bleed, but everything was in tact, the baby looked great, placenta, everything good. She explained that sometimes women have unexplained bleeding in the first trimester and we should be fine. I was so relieved, I was sure this was it, I felt so good about it, I knew we were having another baby.

That brings us to today. My belly is already poking out, I have been so positive, I knew we would hear the heartbeat today. And we didn't.

My doctor told me that if my pelvis is tilted a bit that could explain it, but we'll do an ultrasound to make sure all is well. I knew my pelvis wasn't tilted. Everything went so right with Adelaide, we heard her heartbeat at ten weeks. I am smaller now than when I was pregnant with her, I knew we should have heard it.

As soon as the picture came on the screen I could see our little baby, no heartbeat. My heart is shattered to pieces. I can't even describe it. I would be 13 weeks today, she said the baby measured 11 weeks. Two weeks ago, it's little heart stopped beating and we don't know why, and we won't. We can only wonder.

I get to go through my second D & C early next week. Something I am not looking forward to.
All I can say is that I am spent. Emotionally, physically, spiritually. I feel completely destroyed and I don't know how many times I can continue to take on this monstrous disappointment.

I had thought about the good news we would get to share today and what I would write and how relieved I would feel, but that was all for not.

Now I wonder, what do I need? Why do I need this? Will I ever know?
I keep telling myself over and over again that everything happens for a reason. Right? Tell me I'm right. I have lived by that, but I feel like a broken record. How many more times is this gonna happen and how many more times can I tell myself it's for a reason and how many more times can I try to convince myself that it's gonna be ok?

I have decided that Adelaide is my little angel baby. I don't know how she came to us so easily, but she came and she is the most wonderful little daughter anyone could have. She has been so sad for us today and she doesn't even know why. She cried because I cried and she kept telling me "it's gonna be ok mamma" all amidst a million hugs. I am so thankful for her every day.

Ahhhhhh, I feel much better, but not enough.
I know things will be fine and things will work out for the best. But I'm just tired. So very, very tired. In the meantime I will continue to to press on, move ahead, and try to discover what it is that I need. More patience, faith, humility, I don't know. I could really use a break though. I could really use a break.

Sunshine

I am in dire need of a little sunshine! It seems like fall has not been with us for very long but, I am already feeling a lack of sun on my skin. I am loving the cooler weather and the fact that I can wear comfy clothes and bake yummy pumpkin things, but, sun please come out tomorrow, just for a minute.
It makes me wish I was still here..............

Who Will be the Actual President?

Which one of these people will be running the country? Yikes!

Please tell me it's not Oprah.

Anyway, I hope the best for our country and

have all the optimism in the world that future President Obama

will do the best he can for America.