I am hoping that somewhere in the near future I will learn what it is that I need. I feel like I have been put through trial after trial over the past 14 months with not an answer in sight.
I must apologize right now because I am extremely emotional and I need to get this off my chest.
Six weeks ago we went to the doctor and saw a little heartbeat on the monitor. I was seven weeks along. I can't explain the excitement/anxiety I felt over this event. This would be my fifth pregnancy, the three previous pregnancies ending up in miscarriages. But we had so much hope because we never saw a heartbeat with the other miscarriages. Also, this time around I felt really sick, I was exhausted, I could not function. All I wanted to do was sleep. Other good signs because I didn't feel this way with the miscarriages. Two weeks went by, one night I had some bleeding. Great! I was sure we were doomed. 9 weeks and bleeding = not good. We went to the ER and had an ultrasound. But it was good news! They could see a little bleed, but everything was in tact, the baby looked great, placenta, everything good. She explained that sometimes women have unexplained bleeding in the first trimester and we should be fine. I was so relieved, I was sure this was it, I felt so good about it, I knew we were having another baby.
That brings us to today. My belly is already poking out, I have been so positive, I knew we would hear the heartbeat today. And we didn't.
My doctor told me that if my pelvis is tilted a bit that could explain it, but we'll do an ultrasound to make sure all is well. I knew my pelvis wasn't tilted. Everything went so right with Adelaide, we heard her heartbeat at ten weeks. I am smaller now than when I was pregnant with her, I knew we should have heard it.
As soon as the picture came on the screen I could see our little baby, no heartbeat. My heart is shattered to pieces. I can't even describe it. I would be 13 weeks today, she said the baby measured 11 weeks. Two weeks ago, it's little heart stopped beating and we don't know why, and we won't. We can only wonder.
I get to go through my second D & C early next week. Something I am not looking forward to.
All I can say is that I am spent. Emotionally, physically, spiritually. I feel completely destroyed and I don't know how many times I can continue to take on this monstrous disappointment.
I had thought about the good news we would get to share today and what I would write and how relieved I would feel, but that was all for not.
Now I wonder, what do I need? Why do I need this? Will I ever know?
I keep telling myself over and over again that everything happens for a reason. Right? Tell me I'm right. I have lived by that, but I feel like a broken record. How many more times is this gonna happen and how many more times can I tell myself it's for a reason and how many more times can I try to convince myself that it's gonna be ok?
I have decided that Adelaide is my little angel baby. I don't know how she came to us so easily, but she came and she is the most wonderful little daughter anyone could have. She has been so sad for us today and she doesn't even know why. She cried because I cried and she kept telling me "it's gonna be ok mamma" all amidst a million hugs. I am so thankful for her every day.
Ahhhhhh, I feel much better, but not enough.
I know things will be fine and things will work out for the best. But I'm just tired. So very, very tired. In the meantime I will continue to to press on, move ahead, and try to discover what it is that I need. More patience, faith, humility, I don't know. I could really use a break though. I could really use a break.
