I have been in the process of re-discovering myself over these past few months. They have probably been some of the hardest months of my life, this last month being the worst. As hard as it has been, this past week I have finally felt a release. I haven't felt this free and unburdened by life in many, many years.
I've come to the realization of so many factors contributing to the unrest and unhappiness that I've felt. Number one is that I have been lying to myself for a long time. I've been talking myself into thinking I believe in some things purely because it is something I should believe in or something that I should know. Number two is that I have put so much pressure on myself to be perfect. But what is perfect anyway? Who judges perfection? It doesn't matter what others think, only what I think and I have been requiring way too much of myself. Number three is that I have lived in fear of disappointing others and letting them down. With this fear in mind, I have made many decisions not for the sake of what I believe in or want, but for the sake of saving face and for the sake of doing what is right. But what is right? Isn't what is right for one person completely different for another? Number four is that in the process of lying to myself, I have lied to those closest to me. It's just one more shovel of dirt that buries the actual problem. I thought that if I could talk myself into things and then talk everyone else into believing that I actually felt that way, life will go on and be hunky dory. Maybe eventually I would really feel the way I was telling myself to feel. But no.
Now here I am. I lived with a constant ache in the back of my head and in my gut for who knows how long. It's gone now. I wake up in the morning and I feel unburdened, light, and dare I say it...happy? I tell myself every morning to remove judgment from myself and judgment from others. I have decided to stop assuming I know what others think and what others are going to say. I have stopped judging other people and their relationships and decided that it isn't up to me. What I think about them shouldn't matter to them so why take the energy to do it in the first place? To each their own and hopefully everyone can find their own happiness. I hope that others would wish the same for me.
I will be honest, I am scared and terrified. Sometimes it's convenient living under a cloud because you don't have to change, you don't have to see what's really going on around you. I know that I have been hurtful, I have been dishonest, and I have been blind, and it has sucked. Sucked big time. I hope that with this new discovery that I can avoid these things in the future. I know I am a good person and I know that I am worth a lot. It just goes to show that I have to do everything the hard way (as always) to figure it out. There are three things that I ultimately want: the first is happiness, to be happy with myself. I know that if I am happy with myself, everyone around me will be happy as well. The second is to be honest, to be honest with myself. If I can be honest with myself, I will be honest with everyone around me. The third is to do what is best for my family. I am not a selfish person, although with all of the negativity I have created it may seem that way. I know that if I can make things right within myself, everything on the outside will fall into place.
I feel good, I really do. Others may look at me and question the decisions I make or my reasons for making them, and I don't want this to sound rude but, I don't care anymore. It's time to be alright with me... for me. Everything falls into place after that and life will be good again. It's kind of exciting actually and I'm looking forward to whatever this life brings. So... I say bring it on.
