"Allowing someone else to make us happy will make them happy too."
- Paulo Coelho
I've been thinking about this a lot lately. I have an extremely independent spirit which serves me well but I have realized that it is also a detriment. From the time I was young I have always wanted to do things on my own. I was ashamed when I needed help and often turned it down regardless of my need for it. I have a drive to succeed and take care of myself and my children but it has been really hard because frankly, I am POOR. I have had to rely on support to survive (pay rent, food, etc.) which has been the hardest thing in the world for me. I have a college degree with a full-time job in my field and I make below the poverty level. This I hate with a passion. I discovered that even when I was married I would push Davey away because I felt like I could do things better on my own. I am in a position now where I am over being poor and over waiting for something to happen. I need to make decisions that will put me in a better position (I can only take being miserable for so long). This independence applies to financial as well as relationship-type areas of my life. Most of the time I think that I should be single forever because I would be happier without the stress of relying on another person or them relying on me (sad but true, it is a stress for me). However, I like the company of others and I don't want to be alone forever (I don't think so anyway).
The point of all of this is... I need to figure out how to let others in and allow them to help me which I know will make them as well as myself a happier person. When I constantly push away help and love from others I make them irritated with me which in turn makes me irritated with them. It's a vicious cycle. It's hard... I know I need to go back to school, or find an opportunity to make more money to provide for my family but I also know I may have the opportunity in the future where I may need to let someone in and learn how to need their help, take care of, and love me.
So, with all of this I decided that I needed to make a goal. My goal is to allow others in. Allow them to help, love, and care for me. I have a wall that I need to tear down which will take a lot of work but it needs to be done. I don't think I can truly be happy until I conquer this. I'm making this my one and only resolution for the year (as much as I hate resolutions). I think conquering this will help everything else fall into place.
I know a lot of change is in my future and I'm excited for it. Change is good, change is growth.
