One of my yearly goals is to realize my worth. I know in my head that I am worthy of all of the wonderful things I want in this world but I struggle with actually feeling it. I struggle with compliments and when I receive them I have a hard time saying thank you instead of putting myself down. I put myself down all the time and it is always surrounding the way I look. Why do I do that? At what point in my life did I doubt and question my beauty?! What has this world done to women that makes them feel like less of a person because they don't fit the mold? What's sad is that even those photo-shopped on the cover of a magazine to a certain level of supposed perfection are butchered, scrutinized and torn apart by the media. It makes me furious when celebrities are criticized for wearing a swimsuit because they have cellulite... what the hell?! 90 percent of women have cellulite! Once upon a time I weighed 108 pounds and still had cellulite. It's ridiculous... There are times that Adelaide will say things about her body and compare herself to others... it makes me crazy! I am a firm believer of talking positively about body image and I never allow myself to say negative things to her about physical appearance. I know she hears things on TV, friends and pretty much everywhere else she goes in this world, but how can I get so upset when she puts herself down but continue to do it to myself?! Not cool Megan, not cool. How do I take my own advice and know that I am beautiful because of who I am, not how I look?
I find myself thinking a lot lately about how I am aging... I notice little fine lines on my face and gray hairs sprouting up on my head, my skin isn't as tight around my eyes as it once was, my boobs are tiny from nursing two babies, I have stretch marks on my belly button and this bump on my nose that I've pretty much had my entire life has started to irritate me when I've never let it bother me before. News flash Megan, none of this matters. Why oh why does this matter when you are a good person, good mom, have wonderful kids, have the desire to help, love and do good for other people, have a healthy body, outgoing and have an incredible desire to experience and suck every possible wonderful thing out of what this life has to offer?
I think about what I want out of a relationship. What do I want another person to love about me? Do I want them to love me for my looks? No. I want them to love me for the person that I am, the deeds that I do, the emotions that I feel and the love that I give. If this is the case, I need to stop focusing on these stupid flaws that aren't even flaws at all. They are little pieces of me that make me who I am and part of the story that I have lived. Every line, every stretch mark, every soft spot has a story that has molded me into the person that I am today. And frankly, I love the person I am today more than any other version of me that's ever been. I want Addie and Reg to know and feel their perfection, know that they are amazing and beautiful because of who they are and what they contribute, not for their smooth skin and perfectly spaced eyes.
I am on a journey, a journey to allow myself to love myself for this imperfectly perfect body and the story that it tells. To allow what's really inside to shine through and tell the story of what true beauty is. To let my actions and desires for good, happiness and love be what others see and know that they will see it as beautiful... because that's what I am.
Thursday, March 26, 2015
Sunday, March 8, 2015
Failure?
I quit school 3 weeks ago.
I couldn't have made a better decision.
I was dying inside. I hadn't felt this much stress and anxiety since I went through my divorce. My body was not happy and neither was my mind. My eyes were wigging out on me, they were so sensitive to light my head hurt daily. I wasn't able to exercise much and this I need and can feel the difference in my life. I was so exhausted that it was all I could do to lay on the couch and watch a show with my kids. I was trying to squeeze in some fun in between school, kids and homework but it was hard and it became too much. The funny part is that three weeks ago quitting school wasn't even an option. I was analyzing every other aspect of my life trying to figure out what I needed to change in order to survive.
I have this funny part of my personality that cannot quit anything once I start it. If I start a movie or a book I cannot quit it, even if I hate it. I have to finish just to finish, just to say I didn't quit. I realize this about myself with the little things, but it's hard for me to recognize it in regards to bigger decisions. Three weeks ago one fateful Wednesday night, Steve happened to be home when I got home late from work. Anna was at school and the kids were in bed so I decided to pick Steve's brain. I knew he would be honest and up front with me and he delivered. I was stressed and tired but had at least 3 or 4 hours of homework ahead of me that night. I whined to Steve for a bit and asked him what he thought I should do... he said I needed to quit school. What? No way! How could I even consider it?! I started it and by George I was going to finish! After an hour or so of listening to what he was seeing from outside my sleep deprived brain, I got it. He was right. We did the math, I was going to finish school to continue to perpetuate my poverty for who knows how long. Now, if I was going to be a therapist, psychologist or something like that, it would make sense... significant pay raise. There is not a significant pay raise from what I am doing to becoming a school counselor. Why didn't I figure this out before I started school? Well, I don't know. I'm stubborn? I was going to do it because I decided to and nothing could deter me? Probably. Yes. I decided to sleep on it and decide the next morning. I knew that night what I needed to do but I was scared of being a failure. I woke up the next morning and new that quitting was the right thing to do. I realized that quitting did not mean failure and instantly realized how many more options opened up for me. I have a bachelor's degree, a good foundation. I love my job and I kick ass at it. I know that if I stay where I am, get experience, continue to work with all of the community agencies that I do, I have the opportunity to go far and move up in a field I love and am passionate about.
On a fun, exciting side note? Those who know me know I have an insane love for dance. I have wanted to become a dance therapist but it is a tricky field to get into in Utah. It's not well known or accepted and it would involve years of alternative licensure or moving out of state to become one. I have a new coworker who also loves dance and has done some dance therapy in the past. We discussed a possibility of designing and implementing a program for our Head Start children. Whoa! That came out of nowhere and is one of the most exciting things I can think of. I'm excited to continue discussions about it and cannot be thankful enough for the fact that I now have free time in which I can dedicate to it.
Amazing possibilities do open up and we have the opportunity to do amazing things if we can recognize and confront our fears and push through the discomfort of change. I have made some major life changing decisions over the past few years and I am thankful for every one. I recognize the good and can see my internal growth. I am thankful for who I have become and cannot wait to see what else emerges.
I couldn't have made a better decision.
I was dying inside. I hadn't felt this much stress and anxiety since I went through my divorce. My body was not happy and neither was my mind. My eyes were wigging out on me, they were so sensitive to light my head hurt daily. I wasn't able to exercise much and this I need and can feel the difference in my life. I was so exhausted that it was all I could do to lay on the couch and watch a show with my kids. I was trying to squeeze in some fun in between school, kids and homework but it was hard and it became too much. The funny part is that three weeks ago quitting school wasn't even an option. I was analyzing every other aspect of my life trying to figure out what I needed to change in order to survive.
I have this funny part of my personality that cannot quit anything once I start it. If I start a movie or a book I cannot quit it, even if I hate it. I have to finish just to finish, just to say I didn't quit. I realize this about myself with the little things, but it's hard for me to recognize it in regards to bigger decisions. Three weeks ago one fateful Wednesday night, Steve happened to be home when I got home late from work. Anna was at school and the kids were in bed so I decided to pick Steve's brain. I knew he would be honest and up front with me and he delivered. I was stressed and tired but had at least 3 or 4 hours of homework ahead of me that night. I whined to Steve for a bit and asked him what he thought I should do... he said I needed to quit school. What? No way! How could I even consider it?! I started it and by George I was going to finish! After an hour or so of listening to what he was seeing from outside my sleep deprived brain, I got it. He was right. We did the math, I was going to finish school to continue to perpetuate my poverty for who knows how long. Now, if I was going to be a therapist, psychologist or something like that, it would make sense... significant pay raise. There is not a significant pay raise from what I am doing to becoming a school counselor. Why didn't I figure this out before I started school? Well, I don't know. I'm stubborn? I was going to do it because I decided to and nothing could deter me? Probably. Yes. I decided to sleep on it and decide the next morning. I knew that night what I needed to do but I was scared of being a failure. I woke up the next morning and new that quitting was the right thing to do. I realized that quitting did not mean failure and instantly realized how many more options opened up for me. I have a bachelor's degree, a good foundation. I love my job and I kick ass at it. I know that if I stay where I am, get experience, continue to work with all of the community agencies that I do, I have the opportunity to go far and move up in a field I love and am passionate about.
On a fun, exciting side note? Those who know me know I have an insane love for dance. I have wanted to become a dance therapist but it is a tricky field to get into in Utah. It's not well known or accepted and it would involve years of alternative licensure or moving out of state to become one. I have a new coworker who also loves dance and has done some dance therapy in the past. We discussed a possibility of designing and implementing a program for our Head Start children. Whoa! That came out of nowhere and is one of the most exciting things I can think of. I'm excited to continue discussions about it and cannot be thankful enough for the fact that I now have free time in which I can dedicate to it.
Amazing possibilities do open up and we have the opportunity to do amazing things if we can recognize and confront our fears and push through the discomfort of change. I have made some major life changing decisions over the past few years and I am thankful for every one. I recognize the good and can see my internal growth. I am thankful for who I have become and cannot wait to see what else emerges.
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