I quit school 3 weeks ago.
I couldn't have made a better decision.
I was dying inside. I hadn't felt this much stress and anxiety since I went through my divorce. My body was not happy and neither was my mind. My eyes were wigging out on me, they were so sensitive to light my head hurt daily. I wasn't able to exercise much and this I need and can feel the difference in my life. I was so exhausted that it was all I could do to lay on the couch and watch a show with my kids. I was trying to squeeze in some fun in between school, kids and homework but it was hard and it became too much. The funny part is that three weeks ago quitting school wasn't even an option. I was analyzing every other aspect of my life trying to figure out what I needed to change in order to survive.
I have this funny part of my personality that cannot quit anything once I start it. If I start a movie or a book I cannot quit it, even if I hate it. I have to finish just to finish, just to say I didn't quit. I realize this about myself with the little things, but it's hard for me to recognize it in regards to bigger decisions. Three weeks ago one fateful Wednesday night, Steve happened to be home when I got home late from work. Anna was at school and the kids were in bed so I decided to pick Steve's brain. I knew he would be honest and up front with me and he delivered. I was stressed and tired but had at least 3 or 4 hours of homework ahead of me that night. I whined to Steve for a bit and asked him what he thought I should do... he said I needed to quit school. What? No way! How could I even consider it?! I started it and by George I was going to finish! After an hour or so of listening to what he was seeing from outside my sleep deprived brain, I got it. He was right. We did the math, I was going to finish school to continue to perpetuate my poverty for who knows how long. Now, if I was going to be a therapist, psychologist or something like that, it would make sense... significant pay raise. There is not a significant pay raise from what I am doing to becoming a school counselor. Why didn't I figure this out before I started school? Well, I don't know. I'm stubborn? I was going to do it because I decided to and nothing could deter me? Probably. Yes. I decided to sleep on it and decide the next morning. I knew that night what I needed to do but I was scared of being a failure. I woke up the next morning and new that quitting was the right thing to do. I realized that quitting did not mean failure and instantly realized how many more options opened up for me. I have a bachelor's degree, a good foundation. I love my job and I kick ass at it. I know that if I stay where I am, get experience, continue to work with all of the community agencies that I do, I have the opportunity to go far and move up in a field I love and am passionate about.
On a fun, exciting side note? Those who know me know I have an insane love for dance. I have wanted to become a dance therapist but it is a tricky field to get into in Utah. It's not well known or accepted and it would involve years of alternative licensure or moving out of state to become one. I have a new coworker who also loves dance and has done some dance therapy in the past. We discussed a possibility of designing and implementing a program for our Head Start children. Whoa! That came out of nowhere and is one of the most exciting things I can think of. I'm excited to continue discussions about it and cannot be thankful enough for the fact that I now have free time in which I can dedicate to it.
Amazing possibilities do open up and we have the opportunity to do amazing things if we can recognize and confront our fears and push through the discomfort of change. I have made some major life changing decisions over the past few years and I am thankful for every one. I recognize the good and can see my internal growth. I am thankful for who I have become and cannot wait to see what else emerges.
