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| Dallas Clayton |
Dallas Clayton is fantastic. If you haven't checked him out, you should. I read this little poem of his today and it felt exactly like my life. Why? Well let me just tell you...
The last 6 months have been a doozy! Where do I start?
I dated a lady. Yep, it's true. It was 5 months of fun and incredible learning experiences that I would never give back. I never saw it coming... nope, nope I did not. But what do you do? Well, I'll tell you what I did. I went with it. I was attracted to her and we had tons of fun. A lot of people have asked me if I'm a lesbian. Well, no, I would say no. I don't think I've ever been attracted to any other girl before and I am pretty much only attracted to men. But, I felt something for her and I knew that I would regret it if I didn't see what happened. So I did and then I realized something... that it wasn't for me. It wasn't a life I could see myself living and there were some terrifying things that happened when I talked to her about ending it. So terrifying that she can no longer be a part of my life. But I took some amazing things from that relationship. I learned that I can be honest, brutally honest and open about what I want in my life and that I can communicate about those things with my partner and still be loved... I don't have to be afraid. It was probably the first time ever that I have allowed myself to be exactly that, myself. Being myself is scary! What will people think?! What will they say?! What about my family?! Well guess what I realized? I realized that it doesn't matter what other people think because it only matters what I think. I realized that it doesn't matter what they say because it's not their life. And last but not least, I realized that I have the most amazing friends and family a girl can ask for. They are amazing!!! They love me and support me no matter what. They are there for me and accept me for who I am. I am so lucky... the luckiest, really.
So, there you go. I have answered your question about all of those Instagram pictures.
Now, on another big note. I have been participating in the Landmark education program. LIFE CHANGING! I began attending seminars back in June and it has been one of the most amazing things to happen to me, ever. It has opened my eyes to patterns, bull crap and stories that I have built my life upon. It has made an incredible, positive impact on my relationships and how I view my life. My relationships with my family are better than they have ever been, we communicate and we just LOVE each other. I always felt like life happened to you and you reacted to it in order to survive. Oh how wrong I was! I discovered that I have the power to create whatever I want in my life. I have the say, the power and the ability to be who and what I want. I also have the ability to make whatever situation that I'm in a great one. One of the biggest things I have taken from the program is that what I really want is to make a difference in the world! I want everyone to know that they have the ability to create a life they love and relationships that are deep and meaningful. I used to think that the only way to make a difference was to have the right "job" or "title" in life, to be big enough that people had to listen. But what I discovered was that I can make the biggest difference for others by living my own amazing, honest, powerful and extraordinary life! I have the ability to change the world around me just by being me... my loving, caring, unapologetic self. What in the world?! That's it?! Feeling freedom to be myself has been one of the most amazing feelings I've ever felt in my life. Now don't get me wrong, this work is hard. It takes an incredible amount of emotion, self-reflection and getting straight with people in your life. I'll tell you, it's worth every penny that I have spent and every tear that I have shed.
With all of this being said, I have spent most of my 35 years beating myself up and making myself wrong for who knows what. What is true is that there is nothing wrong, I am not bad and I am a loving, caring person that wants nothing but happiness for everyone around me. This is all I have ever wanted, unfortunately I didn't know how to do it and it was damaging because I wasn't honest with myself and didn't act accordingly. And what else is true is that every action we take and word we speak has an effect on the world around us. I want my actions and my words to be love, that is all, love. Love for myself and love for others. There is so much pain and suffering that we create for ourselves and it doesn't have to exist! It only exists because we tell it to.
I am committed to loving my family and my friends. I am committed to being me and not being afraid. I am committed to living big and creating the most amazing life. Will I make mistakes? Yes. Will I fall back into old patterns? Yes. It's inevitable, I am human, but I will not stop trying because I can see the positive impact it has made on everyone around me. This story I have written for myself is impossibly awesome and it's mine, it's mine and belongs to no one else. Here's to the next chapter...
