"Everything I had become in decades of life I now had to unbecome. All I really was was belief, so everything I believed I now had to unbelieve."
It's been a minute.
I have been trying to find a way to write about how I've been feeling over the last four or five months, but the reality is that it's all connected. Everything goes wayyyyyyyyy back to the first moment I could think. It revolves around beliefs or so called convictions held by people that make the world go 'round and are based on nothing but one's own opinion.
I'm going to take a minute to define the word belief thanks to Merriam-Webster:
1- a state or habit of mind in which trust or confidence is placed in some person or thing.
2- something that is accepted, considered to be true, or held as an opinion: something believed.
3- conviction of the truth of some statement or the reality of some being or phenomenon especially when based on examination of evidence.
People (including this person) wake up day to day and take action according to their beliefs. Whether it be a ritual performed due to a religious belief, what they wear that day because of how they believe it makes them look or feel, what they do or don't do at work because of how they believe it will reflect on themselves or the company, what they say or don't say because of how they believe it will affect their image or persona, etc...
Nothing in the definition of the word belief states that a belief is true. It mentions a conviction or consideration of truth, but again, this is strictly opinion. It mentions something about being based on examination of evidence... what evidence? People have a tendency to look for evidence that fits snugly into their belief systems so they can justify and rationalize it to themselves and the world. And who says that this "evidence" is the truth, who says?!
I physically stepped away from the LDS church about 6.5 years ago. I took off my garments, I stopped attending services and released myself from the confines. It was one of the most terrifying and liberating things I had ever done. I was raised in the church but was always conflicted and never felt like it was where I was supposed to be. Others who thought they knew me would say otherwise, however, they have no clue how much pretending was going on and how much energy I put into convincing myself it was the only place where I could be happy... because that's what I was told. I woke up one day and realized that if I had to pretend or talk myself into it for one more day I would die... I felt like I was going to die. I was sick, so physically ill with anxiety that I would have welcomed death. Then one day I realized that I had a choice and that I could walk away and it was all made up... Big Belief Number One.
Now, it's easy to see what's happening with religion and institutions and other expansive belief systems... but have you ever stopped to take a look at yourself and ask yourself why you do the things that you do, think the things that you think, say the things that you say or act the way that you act? I mean, have you really ever thought about it and looked deep, deep into the darkest, hidden confines of your being? If you've read my blog AT ALL over the last who knows how many years, I have been ripping myself apart. And it continues... I hold the most insane and ridiculous beliefs about myself, things that are completely made up and untrue. Things that have held me back and have been completely debilitating in certain areas of my life. I realize that everything, all of it is based on that bastard, fear. All of it. I am amazed at myself on a daily basis because of how much I do and don't do based on fear. And this fear is based on belief systems I have about myself or the world.
And every single ounce of it is untrue... none of it is based on truth. This brings me to the question I have ultimately been asking myself over the years:
What is the truth?
The answer? None of it.
And knowing, knowing makes no difference. I know this, however, it is a continuous battle that I fight. Why do I keep fighting? Because I refuse to walk around and sleep my life away in this haze and zombie-like reality that people choose to live in. No more sleepwalking for me, no matter how long it takes...