I was thinking about hope today. I was taking a lovely bath in the pink jetted tub with some delicious lavender oil while I contemplated it. I was listening to Safetysuit (who I saw play in SLC last night, amazing) and realized a pattern in many if their songs...hope.
Maybe that's why I love them so much? And maybe it's because they are the best band live, ever.
Anyway, back to hope. I have dark days, this month has held some of them, but the one thing that keeps me going is hope for a better day. I realized, as I was drinking a delicious green tea latte in my bath, that I was happy today and full of hope. I have so many great things in my life and I am thankful for the immense amount of support I have from friends and family. Are things the way I want them to be forever? No. But I can wait and enjoy the ride while I'm at it.
Wednesday, September 26, 2012
Sunday, September 23, 2012
Decisions
"He still had some doubts about the decision he had made. But he was able to understand one thing: making a decision was only the beginning of things. When someone makes a decision, he is really diving into a strong current that will carry him to places he had never dreamed of when he first made the decision."
-Paulo Coelho, The Alchemist
-Paulo Coelho, The Alchemist
Friday, September 21, 2012
The Same
"...when each day is the same as the next, it's because people fail to recognize the good things that happen in their lives every day that the sun rises."
- Paulo Coelho, The Alchemist
- Paulo Coelho, The Alchemist
Tuesday, September 18, 2012
Not So Inspiring
This week has sucked.
Too many sad things happen in this world and it sucks.
Should I say 'suck' one more time to try and prove my point?
Most of the things that ruined my week are not even directly related to me and should be easily brushed aside... But no.
A death, a tumor, and a stroke are not ok, whether they are directly related to me or not.
I struggle with hardship in this life. This can range anywhere from someone losing their job or breaking a bone to someone getting cancer or dying that I don't even know. I can't read the newspaper or watch the news. If I do it results in a lump in my throat that remains until I can quickly distract myself. Besides feeling deep sadness for the one it fell upon, I feel despair for their family and loved ones as well. It truly effects my daily life and I swear that this cannot be normal (I know I'm not normal, ok). I want so badly to be able to jump in and save them or take responsibility so I can go back and change events so they won't have to experience the sadness. Why am I such a martyr?
I cringe when Reggie skins his knee or bites his lip, or when Addie has a stool land on her toe and it turns blue. I can't handle it, I absolutely cannot. It's been so bad that I continually look up stories regarding the Mayan calendar and how the world could end in December... Sadly enough I discovered this to be untrue. I just want everyone on the earth to be twinkled and taken to heaven. That's not too much to ask for, right? I don't want there to be anymore suffering; no more sadness and heartache. I want everyone to be in a better place because I know there is one. What's sad is that we don't even know the half of it. I can't imagine what starvation or genocide is like in other countries or slavery or persecution.
Why do I want to take it all on and save the world from all of this? I don't know, but I do it anyway and it's wearing me out. The funny thing is that I work with children almost everyday that have gone through things I can't even imagine and I plan on doing some kind of work in this field for the rest of my life. As much as I hate it, I love it. I relish in any sort of hope or optimism there may be, any bit of progress. All I want to do is save those kids, but I know I can't. All I can do is look for a spark, an inkling of hope that they may see how they can do it for themselves. As for my own kids, I try every day with all my heart to be the best mom I can be and to teach them how to be happy with themselves. I try not to freak out with every scraped knee (but I do) and I hope for nothing more than their health, success, an happiness.
I am an awful wreck inside, I tell you. I'm pretty sure I only hold it together for the sake of my wonderful offspring but I need to figure out how to release this load for myself. It's making me feel like an old lady:)
Too many sad things happen in this world and it sucks.
Should I say 'suck' one more time to try and prove my point?
Most of the things that ruined my week are not even directly related to me and should be easily brushed aside... But no.
A death, a tumor, and a stroke are not ok, whether they are directly related to me or not.
I struggle with hardship in this life. This can range anywhere from someone losing their job or breaking a bone to someone getting cancer or dying that I don't even know. I can't read the newspaper or watch the news. If I do it results in a lump in my throat that remains until I can quickly distract myself. Besides feeling deep sadness for the one it fell upon, I feel despair for their family and loved ones as well. It truly effects my daily life and I swear that this cannot be normal (I know I'm not normal, ok). I want so badly to be able to jump in and save them or take responsibility so I can go back and change events so they won't have to experience the sadness. Why am I such a martyr?
I cringe when Reggie skins his knee or bites his lip, or when Addie has a stool land on her toe and it turns blue. I can't handle it, I absolutely cannot. It's been so bad that I continually look up stories regarding the Mayan calendar and how the world could end in December... Sadly enough I discovered this to be untrue. I just want everyone on the earth to be twinkled and taken to heaven. That's not too much to ask for, right? I don't want there to be anymore suffering; no more sadness and heartache. I want everyone to be in a better place because I know there is one. What's sad is that we don't even know the half of it. I can't imagine what starvation or genocide is like in other countries or slavery or persecution.
Why do I want to take it all on and save the world from all of this? I don't know, but I do it anyway and it's wearing me out. The funny thing is that I work with children almost everyday that have gone through things I can't even imagine and I plan on doing some kind of work in this field for the rest of my life. As much as I hate it, I love it. I relish in any sort of hope or optimism there may be, any bit of progress. All I want to do is save those kids, but I know I can't. All I can do is look for a spark, an inkling of hope that they may see how they can do it for themselves. As for my own kids, I try every day with all my heart to be the best mom I can be and to teach them how to be happy with themselves. I try not to freak out with every scraped knee (but I do) and I hope for nothing more than their health, success, an happiness.
I am an awful wreck inside, I tell you. I'm pretty sure I only hold it together for the sake of my wonderful offspring but I need to figure out how to release this load for myself. It's making me feel like an old lady:)
Thursday, September 13, 2012
Be Still
Be still and know that I'm with you
Be still and know that I am here
Be still and know that I'm with you
Be still, be still, and know
When darkness comes upon you
And covers you with fear and shame
Be still and know that I'm with you
And I will say your name
If terror falls upon your bed
And sleep no longer comes
Remember all the words I said
Be still, be still, and know
And when you go through the valley
And the shadow comes down from the hill
If morning never comes to be
Be still, be still, be still
If you forget the way to go
And lose where you came from
If no one is standing beside you
Be still and know I am
Be still and know that I'm with you
Be still and know I am
- The Fray
Be still and know that I am here
Be still and know that I'm with you
Be still, be still, and know
When darkness comes upon you
And covers you with fear and shame
Be still and know that I'm with you
And I will say your name
If terror falls upon your bed
And sleep no longer comes
Remember all the words I said
Be still, be still, and know
And when you go through the valley
And the shadow comes down from the hill
If morning never comes to be
Be still, be still, be still
If you forget the way to go
And lose where you came from
If no one is standing beside you
Be still and know I am
Be still and know that I'm with you
Be still and know I am
- The Fray
Tuesday, September 11, 2012
A Gut Feeling
Why is it that as many times as I've reminded myself to go with my gut it's so easy to overlook what your gut is telling you?
I went to a funeral today of a very good friend of mine. Clint Ballard and I were really good friends in high school and after, but of course as life goes, we lost touch over time. People used to tease us a lot in high school because they were certain we were hooking up even though we never did. We just spent a lot of time together cause we could talk about anything. He used to call me kid and say that we were "boys" (good friends). We went to dances, we wrote while he was on his mission in Jamaica, we kept in touch when he came home and he even came to my wedding reception. I've seen him on and off since then at Provo city softball games and at UVU. I happen to run into his family regularly while I'm out shopping and it's like no time has passed at all. Over the past few months I've been thinking about how I needed to get in touch and see how he's doing but with my life as crazy as it is now, I never got around to it.
I heard some terrible news on Friday. I heard that he had taken his own life the day before. I was sick and I've been sick about it ever since. Clint? Clint? There was no way! I like to say that I don't have regrets but I do now. Why didn't I listen to myself? I am heartbroken because if there is one person that should still be on this earth it's him. He was a wonderful, caring person who gave the best hugs in the universe. I am queen of the coulda shoulda wouldas and I have done nothing but dwell on what I wish I would have done. His sister Brook reminded me today that everything happens for a reason. I know she's right but I'm struggling now to find out what that might be. I hope to find out some day...
Clint you will be dearly missed and I hope that you have found peace. I can't imagine what you must have been struggling with and what you were feeling, but I hope that you have found what you were looking for.
I am proud to have known you and to be able to call you my friend.
I went to a funeral today of a very good friend of mine. Clint Ballard and I were really good friends in high school and after, but of course as life goes, we lost touch over time. People used to tease us a lot in high school because they were certain we were hooking up even though we never did. We just spent a lot of time together cause we could talk about anything. He used to call me kid and say that we were "boys" (good friends). We went to dances, we wrote while he was on his mission in Jamaica, we kept in touch when he came home and he even came to my wedding reception. I've seen him on and off since then at Provo city softball games and at UVU. I happen to run into his family regularly while I'm out shopping and it's like no time has passed at all. Over the past few months I've been thinking about how I needed to get in touch and see how he's doing but with my life as crazy as it is now, I never got around to it.
I heard some terrible news on Friday. I heard that he had taken his own life the day before. I was sick and I've been sick about it ever since. Clint? Clint? There was no way! I like to say that I don't have regrets but I do now. Why didn't I listen to myself? I am heartbroken because if there is one person that should still be on this earth it's him. He was a wonderful, caring person who gave the best hugs in the universe. I am queen of the coulda shoulda wouldas and I have done nothing but dwell on what I wish I would have done. His sister Brook reminded me today that everything happens for a reason. I know she's right but I'm struggling now to find out what that might be. I hope to find out some day...
Clint you will be dearly missed and I hope that you have found peace. I can't imagine what you must have been struggling with and what you were feeling, but I hope that you have found what you were looking for.
I am proud to have known you and to be able to call you my friend.
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