This week has sucked.
Too many sad things happen in this world and it sucks.
Should I say 'suck' one more time to try and prove my point?
Most of the things that ruined my week are not even directly related to me and should be easily brushed aside... But no.
A death, a tumor, and a stroke are not ok, whether they are directly related to me or not.
I struggle with hardship in this life. This can range anywhere from someone losing their job or breaking a bone to someone getting cancer or dying that I don't even know. I can't read the newspaper or watch the news. If I do it results in a lump in my throat that remains until I can quickly distract myself. Besides feeling deep sadness for the one it fell upon, I feel despair for their family and loved ones as well. It truly effects my daily life and I swear that this cannot be normal (I know I'm not normal, ok). I want so badly to be able to jump in and save them or take responsibility so I can go back and change events so they won't have to experience the sadness. Why am I such a martyr?
I cringe when Reggie skins his knee or bites his lip, or when Addie has a stool land on her toe and it turns blue. I can't handle it, I absolutely cannot. It's been so bad that I continually look up stories regarding the Mayan calendar and how the world could end in December... Sadly enough I discovered this to be untrue. I just want everyone on the earth to be twinkled and taken to heaven. That's not too much to ask for, right? I don't want there to be anymore suffering; no more sadness and heartache. I want everyone to be in a better place because I know there is one. What's sad is that we don't even know the half of it. I can't imagine what starvation or genocide is like in other countries or slavery or persecution.
Why do I want to take it all on and save the world from all of this? I don't know, but I do it anyway and it's wearing me out. The funny thing is that I work with children almost everyday that have gone through things I can't even imagine and I plan on doing some kind of work in this field for the rest of my life. As much as I hate it, I love it. I relish in any sort of hope or optimism there may be, any bit of progress. All I want to do is save those kids, but I know I can't. All I can do is look for a spark, an inkling of hope that they may see how they can do it for themselves. As for my own kids, I try every day with all my heart to be the best mom I can be and to teach them how to be happy with themselves. I try not to freak out with every scraped knee (but I do) and I hope for nothing more than their health, success, an happiness.
I am an awful wreck inside, I tell you. I'm pretty sure I only hold it together for the sake of my wonderful offspring but I need to figure out how to release this load for myself. It's making me feel like an old lady:)
