If you're a mom that pretends not to carry around guilt at some level on a daily basis, please stand up. I'm pretty sure I've carried it since the day Addie was born and tried to pretend otherwise. I go through a daily regimen of questioning myself in regards to almost every parental action I take. Questions of whether I did something "right" or "wrong" and "what did I do to screw up their lives today?" are thoughts I have on a daily basis.
I've come to accept the fact that no matter what we do as parents our children will inevitably spend their adulthood trying to undo what we have done. But wait... I also pretend that I have accepted this. I've been spending a good amount of the last 5 years of my life trying to undo the meaning, significance and expectation I created in my life. I felt alone in this for a very long time and I am finally realizing that I am not special. I am not the only one in this world trying to unbury themselves from years of who knows what happened to them when they were who knows how old. Who knew you could carry abandonment issues with you because your biological father saw you once when you were 18 months old or so and from that you decided you weren't lovable and had to be perfect in order to be loved and if you weren't perfect then you weren't good enough, therefor unlovable. Yep, welcome to the world I created. So what do you do as an adult when you carry shit like that with you? You push everyone away and never connect with other human beings by living an inauthentic life to keep yourself safe from the hurt and pain of letting anyone in that may one day leave you.
I wonder what meaning my kids will create?
Let's see... society says divorce is bad, society says mom should have custody of the kids but you don't, society says you shouldn't get along with their dad but you do, society says mommy should go to church but you don't. Should should should should should. Should is a nasty, ugly world. It's hard to draw your own conclusions when you are surrounded by all of the judgemental shoulds of the world along with the shoulds you place on yourself. I shouldn't have gotten upset, I shouldn't be tired, I should've texted, I should've said something different, I should've known...
Take it one day at a time, that's what I do. I try to be present with my kids, I try to think about how my actions occur for them. If I have a not so proud mom moment? I communicate with my kids, we talk about it and I apologize. Communicating about what is going on in life and teaching your kids how to communicate is key. My kids like to tell me 'no' a lot. It drives me crazy because it happens over and over again and I end up frustrated and upset. I finally realized that it's because I haven't taught them to ask for what they want instead of just saying no because they don't like the option I have presented. This is something I have been working on lately. And after all is said and done? Be at peace with the fact that I do the best I can every single day. And guess what? Sometimes I don't do the best I can! When that happens I can communicate, apologize to my kids and then forgive myself and move on. I wish it was easy to do as it is to write in this post, haha! Always a work in progress. Above all, I love my kids with my whole heart and I let them know it 50 times a day. My dream for them is that they grow up to be loving, compassionate, hard working and open minded individuals. I want them to have love for everyone and accept each person for who they are. I want them to know that they can create a life free of shoulds and that everyone is perfect in their imperfection.
I don't carry as much guilt as I used to. It comes around now and then and I remind myself of what I wrote above. It helps me stay in the present and create my relationship with my kids on a daily basis while leaving the past in the past. I can't worry about the future, I can't live in the past, what I can do is be the best mom I can be in the present and love my kids and always let them know it. Addie and Reg have been my lifeline, they ground me and keep me constantly working toward being a better person for them and for myself. They remind me that life is all about love and connection with one another; we are nothing without our relationships. I am so proud to be their mother and I will continue to work my ass off to be the best one possible.
Happy Mother's Day.
