A New Thing

And I'm back!

Okay, today is a great day... such a great day. It feels amazing to take action on something that you have wanted for so long, to declare it into existence! It wasn't even hard people, not hard at all. Here's what I did:

1. I sent out a request for space, an open, body moving type of space.
2. Amazing, wonderful people responded with what they knew or had to offer.
3. I contacted a couple of these amazing people to talk about and look at said space.
4. Found a space that works with one friend and had a conversation with another friend about the possibility of creating my own space to suit specific needs with his existing space sometime in the future (so much more excitement to come!).
5. Selected day and time to use the space.
6. Created Facebook page and invited others to share the time and space with me!
7. Will begin new adventure on Monday, February 27th.

This collective is called Formless. There is no plan, expectation or choreography. There is only space to create in the moment. Everyone is welcome and there will be no judgement. Did you hear that? Judgement free zone! In the dance world, they call this improvisation, though I feel it is so much more than that. My expression and creativity flow when I turn down the lights, turn on music that suits my mood and I move my body. Sometimes it's magical and the feeling is inexplainable. It is freedom and I would harness the feeling if I could. 

In addition to the movement, I have created an open forum on the Facebook page for any thoughts or riddles of the mind. I am not sure where all of this is going, all I know is that it is exciting to me beyond measure and it comes from nothing, which means potential for anything. And with that, I will leave you with an epic quote from the one and only Ice Cube, "Today was a good day."

Deep Breath

Okay... Deep breath, deep breath.

I have been on a rollercoaster over the last few weeks. I feel as if I may be slowing down for the time being and I am able to think for a moment. There was a time I would be down and out for months... months. I'm starting to get off the ride a little quicker now. 

I read back what I wrote and I am sad at the story I have made up for myself. The story that I am unloveable and the story later that I don't give a shit. I know that it is self created and that I have the opportunity to create something new... believe me, I'm working on it. I sound like a victim and I hate it, there's nothing that disgusts me more. I pretend that I don't have a choice about it and I do. The truth of the matter is, I care a lot. I pretend not to care because it allows me to put up a wall, suffer in anger and keep people out. I can hide in my cave and continue on the way I have been... living in my vicious, self perpetuated circle. Fear is a demon. I have allowed it to stop me and keep me frozen more times than I can count. I will continue to face it, head on. I will continue to tear down the walls I have built and newfound awareness will impede the construction of new ones. 

Gratitude is coming back, though sometimes it gets lost in me. I am grateful, I am love, I am connected. This is my story, my dream... this is the only moment, right here, right now. 

Done

The Battle

When will I know it? When will the war stop raging in my head? When will I find peace?
I am tired of myself, tired of the same self doubt and feeling as if I must achieve some level of perfection in order to be truly loved... A truly ridiculous need to appear to have it all together. It's instant, my body reacts before I even know what I'm reacting to. I pause to reflect on the the feeling of dread and knots in my stomach. I analyze my words, my thoughts, my way of being. It's the same, time and time again. My body knows it so well it tells me before I can even comprehend it. I lay in bed trying to drain my brain from my skull, longing for relief. 

I have done a lot of work and I have come far. My life is wonderful and I'm the happiest I've ever been. Then comes the one thing I can't escape... the one thing that makes me want to hide away and convince myself I don't need the very thing I want so badly. To know I am worthy of all that I want in this life. To know that I can be myself and that I am perfect, whole and complete.

That Was Then

And this is now...

Being powerful and creating my future were the focus of my 2016.
I'm not sure where to start in describing the incredible life I have created for myself.
If I dare say it, 2016 may have been the best year yet.

The word "can't" used to run my life. I had reasons and excuses for everything... getting the things I wanted always seemed so hard. And with that outlook on life, that's what I got. A life that was hard and I was left constantly longing for more.

What did I want? I wanted to travel. I wanted to FINALLY move in to my own place after depending on others for so many years. I wanted to buy my Subaru to take me on all of my outdoor adventures. I wanted a career change where opportunity for growth and advancement were actually possible. I wanted to take charge of my life instead of it taking charge of me.

What did I get? I traveled. I went to Denver twice and saw the concert of my dreams at Red Rocks. I went to Phoenix twice and fell in love with Arizona. I went to Zion and hiked the entire Narrows; one of the best days of my life. I camped in Joshua Tree, roamed among the jumbo rocks and learned that the desert has my heart. I took the kids to Dinosaur National Monument where they saw fossils that they loved and hiked through a wash in a rainstorm... and we lived. Finally, I had the New Year's Eve of my life on the USS Hornet in the San Francisco Bay.

I bought my car, chose a new career and I moved to my own place... I created my life. I threw away my excuses, I stopped saying, "I can't" and replaced it with, "I can and I will".

Now, I don't want to make it seem like it was easy as pie or a piece of cake to get over my myself. There were times I struggled and I didn't know how I was going to do it... but I did. Every time I took an action regardless of my thoughts and fears, new opportunities opened up for me to accomplish everything I had set out to accomplish. Guess what? It worked out.

NOW is the time. Tomorrow may not come. Live your life regardless of your fears and see what happens. I dare you.