Okay... Deep breath, deep breath.
I have been on a rollercoaster over the last few weeks. I feel as if I may be slowing down for the time being and I am able to think for a moment. There was a time I would be down and out for months... months. I'm starting to get off the ride a little quicker now.
I read back what I wrote and I am sad at the story I have made up for myself. The story that I am unloveable and the story later that I don't give a shit. I know that it is self created and that I have the opportunity to create something new... believe me, I'm working on it. I sound like a victim and I hate it, there's nothing that disgusts me more. I pretend that I don't have a choice about it and I do. The truth of the matter is, I care a lot. I pretend not to care because it allows me to put up a wall, suffer in anger and keep people out. I can hide in my cave and continue on the way I have been... living in my vicious, self perpetuated circle. Fear is a demon. I have allowed it to stop me and keep me frozen more times than I can count. I will continue to face it, head on. I will continue to tear down the walls I have built and newfound awareness will impede the construction of new ones.
Gratitude is coming back, though sometimes it gets lost in me. I am grateful, I am love, I am connected. This is my story, my dream... this is the only moment, right here, right now.
