A Need

I feel the need to create, to do something new, beautiful and free. I'm not sure why, but I absolutely cannot do the same things for too long. I have a little over 3 weeks left of this semester and it is killing me! I have one 12-15 page paper to write, a 20 minute PowerPoint, a test to write with a scoring key, blueprint and critique. It seems so overwhelming and daunting, I cannot concentrate!

I want to dance, I want to decorate, I want to color, I want to do anything that is unstructured and anything that is my own. I want to write my children each a poem for Christmas, paint the background and get it framed for their room. I want to finish the star garland I started making at the beginning of the year for their room as well. I want to blog, I want to go running, I want to meet new people...

I feel like I will be confined to my own little world for a while and it's a little scary. I am completely unattached, I'm broke, and I don't have much in the way of free time. This is a recipe for, sit my butt at home for the next two years and hopefully in the meantime you get a raise at work and a break here and there to go travel the world like you so desperately want to do...

Do you want to know what my perfect world would be?
Here it is... A part-time job where I can help people and feel like I am contributing and earning my keep. Enough money for a lovely little house of my own, just big enough for me and the kids. A little yard with a garden and beautiful trees. Someone to spend time with, to go on adventures with, to sit and do nothing with (someone who communicates :)). To live in a place where I can be outside every single day of the year enjoying nature in one way or another (this means no snow!). To have as much time with my children as I can possibly have. To be active, healthy, strong and happy. To feel the relief of plenty of money in the bank. To get on a plane and travel the world and visit amazingly beautiful places with interesting cultures, food and people.

The funny thing is, I just read that last paragraph back imagining I was reading the thoughts and desires of someone else. I wanted to imagine what someone would be thinking after reading it and the first thing that came to mind was... well, why the hell aren't you living it?! It doesn't seem difficult, it's just choices! Why don't you do it?! It seems like it should be so much easier after reading what I just wrote. I guess I should've gone into a profession that didn't involve social services and gone back in time to make different choices involving my children 3 years ago. So, now...

Here I am in grad school, best decision I ever made (I hope). I am hoping that this sacrifice and feeling like I am stuck beyond stuck will eventually pay off due to this choice. I am hoping it will propel me to places I never thought of. I am hoping I can let go of my fears and let it take me where it may, regardless of the risk of leaving certain things behind or possibly creating new challenges regarding my kids. I am cut out for so much more than this... I know it. I want to fly, I want to flourish, I want to do great things.

Out with the Old

I have to let some things go. I have held on to some ideals and people for so long, I can actually feel the grip on the inner workings of my brain.

Some things are easy for me to just let roll off my shoulders, actually, most things do. I don't hold grudges, I don't hate or get angry with next to anyone. But there are a few things, just a few that I am realizing have set up permanent residence.

I've read article after article and story after story on how we need to let go and how all of these experiences have helped us become who we are. I believe it whole-heartedly and I thought I had done a pretty good job in that department, but I am finding that that is not the case.

I want great, wonderful things and I am working toward it. I realize though, that if I am to continue to move on and progress to my own personal greatness that I need to live this life for me! No one else! Everything will work out as it should, everyone will be fine, everyone will find their own way and I cannot let others decisions affect my own. I am shutting it down and I am refusing to follow, wait or hope for change. It is what it is and I will pull myself up by the bootstraps and march on!

To everyone and everything I have allowed to hold me back... adios, auf wiedersehen, goodbye!

A Thought

A thought is the first step in creation, it sets something in motion. It is our ultimate creationary tool.

If you believe someone will let you down, they will. You will create situations in which they will ultimately fail you. If you believe someone will stand by your side, they will. You will create situations in which they will have the desire to stand there.

 

Fall

I'm excited for fall. The new season is a new beginning.

The kids and I went for a hike up to Donut Falls yesterday and it was absolutely gorgeous. It had just finished raining, it was cool and the clouds were amazing.

 

 Life is busy right now. Kids, work and school are pretty much all I have time for. I'm a little exhausted but I know this will be worth it in the long run. I have to keep my head up and keep on moving. I know I will be thankful that I did. I must maintain positivity, and though I fall sometimes I ALWAYS get back up. I'm grateful for all of the love and people that I have in my life... I am truly blessed.

Sweat and Tears

 

I've been doing a lot of sweating, I'm keeping myself busy and exercising like crazy.
The tears have come, that only helps for a little while.
Maybe it's time for the sea...

I'm sad. I am feeling sad and I hate it.
I dislike negative emotions and I am not patient with myself when I feel them.
I thought I found a good thing and then I realized it wasn't as good as I'd hoped.
I'm a sucker for potential. If you have potential come see me, I'm your girl. I will hope,
I will be patient, I will put up with things that most wouldn't for longer than I should.
But you, well you get exactly what you need. Someone to be there for your convenience.
You say things but your actions dictate something else.

Oh boys, these damn boys!

And then come the magic words... can we still be friends? No! No we cannot!

That just keeps me around for your convenience, once again.

I hate dating... it bites.

Going through the same motions, same questions date after date. It's exhausting.

I'm discovering that there are too many 30-something males

with no motivation or no goals. 

Then there are the 30-something males who supposedly want a relationship 

but are so terrified that they sabotage it because of their fear.

They wrap themselves up in money and work and miss the very

good thing standing right in front of them. 

But hey, maybe it's just me and I'm not the right one for you.

That's OK, just tell me and don't drag it on for months on end.

I have no intention of settling, ever.

If it isn't working for me, I'm done.

I'm not desperate, I won't stay with someone just to have someone in my life.

But guess what? I would love to have someone to go on adventures with, 

to hang out with at night whether you're doing laundry or to watch a movie.

To have someone to confide in, to have fun with and enjoy this very short life with.

Sorry for the rant. I am feeling defeated. Work has been stressful as well and things

just seem to be really hard right now.

I do try to remember the wonderful things I have in my life, because I have so many.

I have the best family and friends who have been keeping me busy

and I do my best not to dwell on my disasters.

I've had dinner with friends, good chats, gone dancing, hiking, camping,

running, spent time with my kids and listened to music... 

All things I love and am so thankful for.

I know this is just a season, everything changes. Thank goodness!

Now, if I can get myself to the sea in the meantime... I might just be alright. :)

Expectation

 

This sentence has been on my mind a lot over the last month or so. I'm realizing how much expectation hurts us. It destroys and complicates relationships, it adds difficulty and drama to life that shouldn't even exist. I've caught myself on a few occasions thinking things that end up driving me crazy and push me to the brink of sabotaging things that are good! I think that the key is to allow others to do and be what they want, let them walk the path they want to walk and enjoy the things they want to enjoy. In the meantime, you do the same for yourself... Go for a walk, take a nap, dance, do something that benefits you. If you take care of your own needs and allow others to do the same for themselves, there can be nothing but understanding, peace and happiness. Things will come together and work out. You end up wanting to do things for one another because that makes you happy and it's not because you were expected to do it and neither were they. Anyway, I write this so I can remember for myself, it is a struggle for me but it is something that is proving to be good and positive in my life. I have seen slow but steady changes in me and the relationships I have with others. Lao Tzu gives some pretty good advice. :)

I Knew It

I hate when I don't blog for months. I want to catch up but it will take me forever so I will post a few pics of the last few months and hopefully I will be more consistent from this point on.... Haha, yeah right!

 Love this picture of us...

 We had a fun Easter egg hunt at the park with Pa and Paula.

 My little dude, my baby, my Reggie turned 4!!!

 Bumblebee and Skywarp cakes, go Transformers!

 I had the opportunity to go to Playa Del Carmen, Mexico with these awesome people.

Kasey and Matt Ballard, Daynia and Jason Pack, and Mike and Harmony Young.

 Let's not forget this guy... Thanks to Matt I had the best trip ever. Seriously.

 Had the most wonderful Mother's Day with the best kids ever. I love being their mom.

 Our Beta fish died. Addie had a hard time with it so she wrote them letters...

 Spent Memorial Day with grandma Liechty.

 We visited grandpa's grave and great grandpa and grandma Loh's as well.

 I've been running and hiking my booty off. 

This is Bells Canyon... gorgeous. 

We went to Wheeler Farm for the first time. It was so fun!

 I went on my first motorcycle ride in probably 15 years. 

 I golfed my first 9 holes ever.

 I got to spend today, Father's Day with my wonderful dad. 

I said back in January that good things were going to happen...

I got into graduate school!

I got an amazing new job at Salt Lake Community Action as a case manager in the housing department. I love it so much.

My kids are happy and healthy and so am I.

It's summertime!

I am spending time with an amazing person.

Life is so very good. I cannot begin to explain how wonderful my life is and how thankful I am for it. With patience things come to pass and work out for the best. I love who I have become and the possibilities that lie ahead for me and my kids. I never imagined I could be so happy. I'm grateful for the difficulties and hardships I have had that have helped me realize how wonderful life can be. :)