Strength

I am truly amazed at the strength we humans possess. How many days, hours, minutes are we pushed to our limits, yet we persevere? Too many, but we keep going and grow stronger every time. It is always the moment I feel like I can't take anymore that I realize I can. I've come this far, so why not continue and see what happens? Things can only get better right? That's what I tell myself and I absolutely refuse to lie to myself anymore so it must be true.

If I could only figure out why every time I think I have it all figured out, I realize I don't. That must be the riddle of life. To figure it out to not have it figured out after all. Make sense? Of course not. What does? Out of the 1 million things I have done in my life, I think only about 5 of them have turned out the way I wanted. Those odds suck! Probably because I didn't know what I wanted until I had already made all of those choices. As I lay these thoughts out, I pray that others in this world do not go through the same things as I, or anything like it. That would mean that people are not as well put together and happy as I think they are. Then what would I have to aspire to, to have as an example?

So, when I think about these things, that's when I remember. I remember that I am strong and I can take on anything I have to. I don't believe there is anything that comes to us that we can't handle. I think the key is remembering that in the hardest of times. I imagine myself being an old woman, sitting in my comfy recliner with a constant grin on my face. That's when I will be content because I will know that I have it all figured out. I've been there done that and I'll know that the hard times are behind me. Too good to be true? Probably, but here's hoping.

A Test

I took the Myers-Briggs Type test today for the first time. I feel like I'm the last one in this world to know about it, but maybe not. It's a personality type test to help a person figure out what they might be best at (profession wise) in this life. I didn't know quite what to expect, but I must say that I am totally impressed. It had me pinned down to a T.

I didn't initiate this test on my own, my manager asked me to take it because we are going to a Myers-Briggs conference tomorrow. She thought it would be a good idea to take it so we had a fresh understanding of it before the conference. After taking the test, I feel like I was supposed to take it now, just for me.

I probably wouldn't have ever taken this on my own because I wouldn't have thought about it. But, it's probably one of the most helpful, and personally insightful things I've ever done. I think it goes along well with my journey of self-discovery. Along with therapy and now this test, it has opened up my eyes so much to what kind of person I am and what I can become. At least for the moment. I sat with a counselor for over an hour going over what every part of the test meant, according to my life and personality. It was really quite insightful actually.

He made me realize that we should take our passions and the things we really love, and go for them. Like I've said before, we are the only ones that hold ourselves back and I truly believe that. I thought about all of the things I've wanted to do and why I haven't done them. All because I told myself I couldn't for one reason or another. All of the excuses I've given myself have been lame and absurd really. There is no reason I cannot do what I want to and that's that.

So my point is......if you haven't taken it before I highly recommend it. It's kind of amazing how much you can learn about you!

What Is Normal?

That is a question I have been pondering a lot lately. What constitutes a person being "normal"?

I've been thinking about this so much because my brain doctor has been comparing me to that word a lot lately. I've been seeing him for a few months now and the insight and observations I've been given have helped me tremendously. It's amazing how someone who is not you, and who is not close to you, can see so much by being completely objective as to just the facts of your life and events that ensue.

Well, two weeks ago he dropped a bomb on me that I was not prepared for. It was one of those 'that could never be me' moments. But, as I've been thinking about it, it is totally me. Looking back on the eight years of my life that I've felt this way, I can see and know that what he told me is true. When I outline my life and lay it out in front of me, I can see a nasty pattern, and it continues to repeat itself without my complete awareness. On a scale from one to bad, I'm in the middle so it could be worse. That always makes a girl (me) feel better. What's funny is that as time goes on and I continue to live, if I don't make some changes, I will forever feel this way that I feel. What's also funny is that this whole time, I thought that this is just life and that's the way life is. My perception of reality was and is completely askew. But, for me this is normal, this is life, my life, and I've never known anything different.

So again I ask, what is normal? If things have never been any other way and you don't know any different, isn't that normal? People are all so different, who's to say what's messed up and what's not. For all I know everyone has some form of disorder that makes them unique. We just don't know what disorder it is. We all have to deal with the cards we were dealt, whether we want to or not. You are the only one that can make your life your own and learn to live it the best way you can and you do that with what you have. If you have some mental issues, physical issues, or issues you don't even know about, you take what you have and you make life the best it can be.

My doc asked if I wanted to hear what his prediction of my life would be at age 50 if I didn't set some things straight. I told him to go for it and what I heard scared the crap out of me. It wasn't because I though his prediction would come true because that's what he thought, it was because I could actually see and know that what he said was right. I could see it and I did not like what I saw.

Now I'm on a quest to learn to harness my energy in the most positive ways possible. Learn how to be "normal" so I can have a decent, hopefully long life. Why does everything have to be such a fight?!! I don't know, but nothing good ever came out of giving up. At least that's what I've heard.

As my good friend Dag Hammarskjold once said (or maybe twice, who knows):
Life only demands from you the strength you possess. Only one feat is possible - not to have run away.

A Good Laugh

I've been craving a good laugh lately and the
SNL Celebrity Jeopardy skits always do the trick.
There's nobody like Will Ferrell (and Sean Connery too)!

Just Words

I really don't have a point to anything I have to say today. I just feel like writing I suppose.
Maybe I will start with my job. I am still loving it, but it's hard to adjust to my new schedule. Before I started working I would go to the 9:15 a.m. yoga classes, but now that I work at that time I have to get my butt up at five to get ready and make it to the 6 a.m. class, then go straight to work. Now I'm not complaining because I'm glad I still get to go (sometimes it's my sanity), but it has been hard! I'm not a morning person, well, at least not that early of a morning person.

So then I think about how nice it will be to sleep in (a little bit) the rest of the week. Not likely. Now I have to schedule my Dr. appointments at 7am. Once again, wake up at five. Then, Adelaide decides to wake up at 4:45 this morning because she's gagging on the phlegm in her throat from her cold and it makes her throw up. I have to admit that she is the most adorable, cuddly thing in the world when she is sick. She happens to love me the most when she doesn't feel well, so needless to say, I am the one she wanted when she woke up this morning and wouldn't let me out of her sight. It's been a long day and now I have a sore throat.

On the brighter side, I enjoy making some extra cash and it's nice to meet new people and have some adult conversation during the day.

I'm stoked that it's getting warmer and I can go out in the afternoon without a jacket. I LOVE spring! I am excited to get out in the yard and plant some things. I seriously love the smell of dirt and being out in the fresh air. It will be nice to be able to send Adelaide out to play instead of having her cramped indoors wanting to watch movies all day.

I think I will make homemade macaroni and cheese for dinner tonight. I have been craving it lately. Then I think I will retire early this evening into my comfy sheets and see if I can cash in on eight hours of sleep tonight. That would be nice.

Live Music

I love nothing more than going to a good concert. I had the privilege of attending one last night with my friends Rach and Jenne. It was so much fun! Lifehouse and Matt Nathanson were amazing. I hadn't listened to much Matt Nathanson before, but I am now converted. He was awesome live and his lyrics are lovely. Lifehouse and I go back, way back. About seven and a half years I think. They pretty much rocked. As you can see, I like to pump my fists in the air and scream really loud. Rachel thinks it's pretty funny, so I do it over and over again. It makes me feel young again. How does something such as that make me feel young again when I am still young? I don't know, but it does. Anyway, music makes me happy, and music makes me feel. I LOVE to feel. Lifehouse is good at that.