Who Am I?

I went back and read this post from 6 years ago...

I'm pretty sure I don't recognize myself in those words. I am grateful and acknowledge what I said, but it's the way I said it and the references to blessings and praying and so many things that I don't think about or do anymore. It was two years before Davey and I got divorced and my brain now tells me that there was no way I was that happy... So I have to wonder whether or not I really was happy and I have forgotten or was I lying to myself?

So strange.

Impossibly Awesome

Dallas Clayton

Dallas Clayton is fantastic. If you haven't checked him out, you should. I read this little poem of his today and it felt exactly like my life. Why? Well let me just tell you...

The last 6 months have been a doozy! Where do I start?
I dated a lady. Yep, it's true. It was 5 months of fun and incredible learning experiences that I would never give back. I never saw it coming... nope, nope I did not. But what do you do? Well, I'll tell you what I did. I went with it. I was attracted to her and we had tons of fun. A lot of people have asked me if I'm a lesbian. Well, no, I would say no. I don't think I've ever been attracted to any other girl before and I am pretty much only attracted to men. But, I felt something for her and I knew that I would regret it if I didn't see what happened. So I did and then I realized something... that it wasn't for me. It wasn't a life I could see myself living and there were some terrifying things that happened when I talked to her about ending it. So terrifying that she can no longer be a part of my life. But I took some amazing things from that relationship. I learned that I can be honest, brutally honest and open about what I want in my life and that I can communicate about those things with my partner and still be loved... I don't have to be afraid. It was probably the first time ever that I have allowed myself to be exactly that, myself. Being myself is scary! What will people think?! What will they say?! What about my family?! Well guess what I realized? I realized that it doesn't matter what other people think because it only matters what I think. I realized that it doesn't matter what they say because it's not their life. And last but not least, I realized that I have the most amazing friends and family a girl can ask for. They are amazing!!! They love me and support me no matter what. They are there for me and accept me for who I am. I am so lucky... the luckiest, really.

So, there you go. I have answered your question about all of those Instagram pictures.

Now, on another big note. I have been participating in the Landmark education program. LIFE CHANGING! I began attending seminars back in June and it has been one of the most amazing things to happen to me, ever. It has opened my eyes to patterns, bull crap and stories that I have built my life upon. It has made an incredible, positive impact on my relationships and how I view my life. My relationships with my family are better than they have ever been, we communicate and we just LOVE each other. I always felt like life happened to you and you reacted to it in order to survive. Oh how wrong I was! I discovered that I have the power to create whatever I want in my life. I have the say, the power and the ability to be who and what I want. I also have the ability to make whatever situation that I'm in a great one. One of the biggest things I have taken from the program is that what I really want is to make a difference in the world! I want everyone to know that they have the ability to create a life they love and relationships that are deep and meaningful. I used to think that the only way to make a difference was to have the right "job" or "title" in life, to be big enough that people had to listen. But what I discovered was that I can make the biggest difference for others by living my own amazing, honest, powerful and extraordinary life! I have the ability to change the world around me just by being me... my loving, caring, unapologetic self. What in the world?! That's it?! Feeling freedom to be myself has been one of the most amazing feelings I've ever felt in my life. Now don't get me wrong, this work is hard. It takes an incredible amount of emotion, self-reflection and getting straight with people in your life. I'll tell you, it's worth every penny that I have spent and every tear that I have shed.

With all of this being said, I have spent most of my 35 years beating myself up and making myself wrong for who knows what. What is true is that there is nothing wrong, I am not bad and I am a loving, caring person that wants nothing but happiness for everyone around me. This is all I have ever wanted, unfortunately I didn't know how to do it and it was damaging because I wasn't honest with myself and didn't act accordingly. And what else is true is that every action we take and word we speak has an effect on the world around us. I want my actions and my words to be love, that is all, love. Love for myself and love for others. There is so much pain and suffering that we create for ourselves and it doesn't have to exist! It only exists because we tell it to.

I am committed to loving my family and my friends. I am committed to being me and not being afraid. I am committed to living big and creating the most amazing life. Will I make mistakes? Yes. Will I fall back into old patterns? Yes. It's inevitable, I am human, but I will not stop trying because I can see the positive impact it has made on everyone around me. This story I have written for myself is impossibly awesome and it's mine, it's mine and belongs to no one else. Here's to the next chapter...

Trust

I really need to start trusting myself.

But, I am learning to recognize it and do what's best for me.

Sometimes it just takes a little while...

"as is"

Now, please bear with me. I'm going to compare myself to the "as is" section at IKEA for a moment. For anyone that has continued to read this over the years, you will know that I have thought to have known what was "wrong" with me on multiple occasions. Are you ready for one more? I think this might be the ultimate answer, the top of the list, the over-arching theme to all of the other messed up parts of me. And... I am going to continue to apologize for this blog not being so uplifting (again), which was my original goal. I swear I will get back there, I think I have to clear some things up first.

This week has sucked. I've felt like shit and it basically revolves around my feelings and reactions to relationships. Not just romantic, but with my family, kids and friends. I fret about this a lot because the number one thing I want in my life is to have good relationships with everyone who is important to me. I want to be a great friend, mom, sister, daughter, etc. Anna and Steve have been attending Landmark sessions and I take advantage of this by listening and picking their brains when they get home. After having a tearful conversation with Anna this morning, I realized a magnificent realization. I have mentioned similar things about similar topics in the past, but basically, I feel that I am unlovable. This is sadness, incredible sadness.

I have struggled with insane amounts of social anxiety since getting divorced. I was many different people pre-divorce. I made sure I fit in everywhere and with anyone. I was who I thought people expected me to be and I could make myself feel loved by becoming exactly the person I thought I needed to be for them. This caused incredible problems for me and everyone around me because I never knew who I was or what I believed. It's not surprising that I ended up on depression/anxiety meds and divorced, eh? I'm sure people who have known me throughout my life have wondered who the hell I am because I was always back and forth from one extreme to another or creating some sort of chaos in between.

Let's bring it back to the near-present. I vowed to discover what I truly want and believe in since becoming single and having much more time to myself. It has been hard, so hard! Deconstructing the mess that I created has been one hell of a ride, however, I feel that I've gotten to a very good place. And I have. There is a very important piece, though, that I am struggling to discard. This little thing about me feeling unlovable. I am now the most vulnerable that I have ever been in my life. I am wide open and ready for hurt and pain. I am standing in my "as is" condition. I will no longer pretend to be someone I am not because I know where that leads. So, this results in an incredible amount of vulnerability and I am not used to this. It is terrifying. But don't you worry, if my name is Megan, and it is, I have found a perfectly good coping mechanism to continue to protect me from heartache. Does it work you ask? Oh it does. But guess what? It is keeping me from what I really, REALLY want in this short, short life. What is this you ask? To have connections and intimacy. To really feel connected to another individual is what I want more than anything money can buy. The catch is that I am so scared because of the fraud I had been for almost all of my life... that no one will actually love me for me.

So how do I protect myself? I create a self-fulfilling prophecy. I assume that I am unlovable and with this I create unrealistic expectations for others and if they cannot meet those expectations then they have ultimately let me down and I have confirmed that I am indeed, unlovable. You don't say the things I think you should say? You don't text or call me as much as I think you should? You don't show love in the way I think you should show it? Adios.

Now that, that is heartbreaking. I am sad, so sad because I know that I deserve love, everyone does. My head tells me one thing but I don't actually believe or feel it. I have been trapped in feeling disconnected for so long that I am terrified of what would happen if I actually felt that connection and intimacy. What would I do? How do I do it? The unknown is a scary place. But guess what? I am done! I no longer want to live in fear. Fear is so evil, it is the only evil. It destroys everything and prevents the amazing possibility for us to live in the present and create the very future we want and hope for.

I know I am an amazing, strong woman with unlimited potential. I am capable of so much and I want to realize all of it. Now how do I believe it?!

You are Beautiful

One of my yearly goals is to realize my worth. I know in my head that I am worthy of all of the wonderful things I want in this world but I struggle with actually feeling it. I struggle with compliments and when I receive them I have a hard time saying thank you instead of putting myself down. I put myself down all the time and it is always surrounding the way I look. Why do I do that? At what point in my life did I doubt and question my beauty?! What has this world done to women that makes them feel like less of a person because they don't fit the mold? What's sad is that even those photo-shopped on the cover of a magazine to a certain level of supposed perfection are butchered, scrutinized and torn apart by the media. It makes me furious when celebrities are criticized for wearing a swimsuit because they have cellulite... what the hell?! 90 percent of women have cellulite! Once upon a time I weighed 108 pounds and still had cellulite. It's ridiculous... There are times that Adelaide will say things about her body and compare herself to others... it makes me crazy! I am a firm believer of talking positively about body image and I never allow myself to say negative things to her about physical appearance. I know she hears things on TV, friends and pretty much everywhere else she goes in this world, but how can I get so upset when she puts herself down but continue to do it to myself?! Not cool Megan, not cool. How do I take my own advice and know that I am beautiful because of who I am, not how I look?

I find myself thinking a lot lately about how I am aging... I notice little fine lines on my face and gray hairs sprouting up on my head, my skin isn't as tight around my eyes as it once was, my boobs are tiny from nursing two babies, I have stretch marks on my belly button and this bump on my nose that I've pretty much had my entire life has started to irritate me when I've never let it bother me before. News flash Megan, none of this matters. Why oh why does this matter when you are a good person, good mom, have wonderful kids, have the desire to help, love and do good for other people, have a healthy body, outgoing and have an incredible desire to experience and suck every possible wonderful thing out of what this life has to offer?

I think about what I want out of a relationship. What do I want another person to love about me? Do I want them to love me for my looks? No. I want them to love me for the person that I am, the deeds that I do, the emotions that I feel and the love that I give. If this is the case, I need to stop focusing on these stupid flaws that aren't even flaws at all. They are little pieces of me that make me who I am and part of the story that I have lived. Every line, every stretch mark, every soft spot has a story that has molded me into the person that I am today. And frankly, I love the person I am today more than any other version of me that's ever been. I want Addie and Reg to know and feel their perfection, know that they are amazing and beautiful because of who they are and what they contribute, not for their smooth skin and perfectly spaced eyes.

I am on a journey, a journey to allow myself to love myself for this imperfectly perfect body and the story that it tells. To allow what's really inside to shine through and tell the story of what true beauty is. To let my actions and desires for good, happiness and love be what others see and know that they will see it as beautiful... because that's what I am.

Failure?

I quit school 3 weeks ago.
I couldn't have made a better decision.

I was dying inside. I hadn't felt this much stress and anxiety since I went through my divorce. My body was not happy and neither was my mind. My eyes were wigging out on me, they were so sensitive to light my head hurt daily. I wasn't able to exercise much and this I need and can feel the difference in my life. I was so exhausted that it was all I could do to lay on the couch and watch a show with my kids. I was trying to squeeze in some fun in between school, kids and homework but it was hard and it became too much. The funny part is that three weeks ago quitting school wasn't even an option. I was analyzing every other aspect of my life trying to figure out what I needed to change in order to survive.

I have this funny part of my personality that cannot quit anything once I start it. If I start a movie or a book I cannot quit it, even if I hate it. I have to finish just to finish, just to say I didn't quit. I realize this about myself with the little things, but it's hard for me to recognize it in regards to bigger decisions. Three weeks ago one fateful Wednesday night, Steve happened to be home when I got home late from work. Anna was at school and the kids were in bed so I decided to pick Steve's brain. I knew he would be honest and up front with me and he delivered. I was stressed and tired but had at least 3 or 4 hours of homework ahead of me that night. I whined to Steve for a bit and asked him what he thought I should do... he said I needed to quit school. What? No way! How could I even consider it?! I started it and by George I was going to finish! After an hour or so of listening to what he was seeing from outside my sleep deprived brain, I got it. He was right. We did the math, I was going to finish school to continue to perpetuate my poverty for who knows how long. Now, if I was going to be a therapist, psychologist or something like that, it would make sense... significant pay raise. There is not a significant pay raise from what I am doing to becoming a school counselor. Why didn't I figure this out before I started school? Well, I don't know. I'm stubborn? I was going to do it because I decided to and nothing could deter me? Probably. Yes. I decided to sleep on it and decide the next morning. I knew that night what I needed to do but I was scared of being a failure. I woke up the next morning and new that quitting was the right thing to do. I realized that quitting did not mean failure and instantly realized how many more options opened up for me. I have a bachelor's degree, a good foundation. I love my job and I kick ass at it. I know that if I stay where I am, get experience, continue to work with all of the community agencies that I do, I have the opportunity to go far and move up in a field I love and am passionate about.

On a fun, exciting side note? Those who know me know I have an insane love for dance. I have wanted to become a dance therapist but it is a tricky field to get into in Utah. It's not well known or accepted and it would involve years of alternative licensure or moving out of state to become one. I have a new coworker who also loves dance and has done some dance therapy in the past. We discussed a possibility of designing and implementing a program for our Head Start children. Whoa! That came out of nowhere and is one of the most exciting things I can think of. I'm excited to continue discussions about it and cannot be thankful enough for the fact that I now have free time in which I can dedicate to it.

Amazing possibilities do open up and we have the opportunity to do amazing things if we can recognize and confront our fears and push through the discomfort of change. I have made some major life changing decisions over the past few years and I am thankful for every one. I recognize the good and can see my internal growth. I am thankful for who I have become and cannot wait to see what else emerges.

Unexpected

We have been having the most amazing winter of my life! I must admit, I am selfish and I know we need the water... but I don't care. Right here, right now, today and it's glorious 65 degrees... I don't care. Jeana and I went for a walk this morning along the Jordan River Trail where I took this picture. There was the most gorgeous blue sky, clear and pollution free (at least visibly), ducks swimming in the water and people enjoying the outdoors. The sun felt soooooo good on my skin! I even sat outside and read my homework for two hours and when I was done, I spotted a little tan line. Glorious!

Jeana and I always have great talks. We can talk about, analyze and dive into any subject possible. I love this. I love to think and wonder and question everything. This is something I have finally allowed myself to do over the last few years. It has opened me up to new possibilities and experiences... it has changed my thinking, beliefs and desires for what I want in this life and what I think will come of the next. 

This has also caused me great frustration. I used to have such a tight, controlling grip on my life, insomuch that I was an anxious, neurotic mess. I forced myself to be different people in different situations, I wouldn't leave my children with anyone, that way I would know they were safe, I followed the instructions to make sure I was living the life I was "supposed" to be living, not the one I believed I could choose. Nothing unexpected happened... I knew exactly what was going to happen. 

This winter has held many unexpected things for me. So many of the things I thought I wanted to happen, have not. Some people have left my life when I've wanted them to stay while others have come back when I thought they never would. Another person's loss has become my gain. My mind has gone crazy in trying to figure out why things don't make sense and the logic behind it. I am trying to figure out why I am headed down this path in school, why did I choose this and why does it feel right? My heart tells me it's the right direction but my mind tells me I'm crazy because I want to live a certain lifestyle and I am going into a profession that makes nothing! It's a conundrum. I feel like I have no control and then I realize that I never really did. I am a firm believer in the networking of the universe and that everything has a hand in molding and directing you to where you should be going.

At this time I sit in complete abandon to the universe (I'll try anyway). I will let go of it all and let what is to be, be. I will continue to make choices that I feel are right and put my faith in the fact that everything will continue down the path that it should. I will allow anything to happen and hope that the outcome will make me feel as amazing as this unexpected warmth in a usually cold Utah February.  

 

Perfect

My mom sent me this on Pinterest. 

This is exactly how I feel about my life and I don't think I could have put it more perfectly.