The Weekend

Christmas was amazing. It was the first weekend in months that I could relax and enjoy without worry of homework or present making. My brain is taking a breather and I think it likes it.

I know Reggie won't remember this Christmas, but there is something about it being his first that makes it amazing. He had a hayday with the wrapping paper and bows, not to mention that he is mesmerized by the lights on the tree. As for Adelaide, she was such a good girl this year and got the purple watch that was on her list (along with some other bonus items). It's fun to see how much she loves Santa, lights, presents, and giving to others.

Now to get some things done and relax a little more before school starts again next month. The best part is that I graduate in April. I can't believe there is a light at the end of the tunnel. I have been in college for way too long and it will be great to finally reap the reward.

I'm excited for 2011 and all that it holds. I'm already looking forward to a California trip in March, graduation in April, bike-riding, swimming, baseball games, and so much more in the summer. It's going to be awesome... it really is.

The Salvation Jedi

These guys were at Walmart on Saturday. It totally made my day and I don't know why. I told them that if I had a million dollars I would give it to them. And I would...if I could.

May the force be with you...

Pyro

I am totally feeling Kings of Leon these days. I checked out their new video and I can't get enough of it. I think there is a great message to this, take it how you will but I think it's about rising above.

Better Late Than Never

I meant to write a thankful post before Thanksgiving, but given my enormously busy schedule...it didn't happen. With that said, here it goes.

I am thankful for everything; absolutely everything that has ever happened to me. I mean every word of that sentence, too. I am thankful for every little cold, every stubbed toe, every bad hair day, every pimple, every snowy day, every spider on the ground (that one is really tough for me), every stressful day, every up-all-nigh with sick kids, every argument, every tormenting decision, and so on and so forth.
I am of course thankful for all of the good things as well, but those things are easy to be thankful for. Sometimes it's hard to see the good that comes from the not-so-good in our lives. I try to remember that as difficult as it is.
I am mostly thankful for this life I have to live. I am thankful for a mostly healthy body with which I can do the things I love. I am thankful to be able to wake up to a new day with new adventures and new hardships. I am thankful for my ability to have children and to watch them grow. I am thankful to have the ability to learn and progress and to be ever-changing.

As hard as it can be, this is a good life and I am blessed, blessed beyond words.

A Date

Adelaide and I went on a little mommy-daughter date to Cornbelly's a couple of weeks ago. We had so much fun, I love my little girl. We met up with my BFF Tamsen and her two chillins, Owen and Logan. What a coincidence that she took them on a date as well.







I'm so thankful for such a wonderful friend and an amazing daughter. We always have so much fun and I look forward to our get-togethers. Cornbelly's is a must if you haven't taken your kids there yet. It's worth every penny.

Just Fine

I know I have some people worried by my last post, but don't worry, I'm just fine. Great actually. Life is crazy and it has brought me all kinds of twists and turns, but amazing things can come from adversity. Remember back in the day when I went to therapy? Well I'm going again and it has resolved a lot of issues for me. It's crazy how many things can effect us in adulthood that we created in childhood. I now know where my perfectionism, running away, holding others at arms length, controlling and abandonment issues come from. Isn't that great:) The tricky part is figuring out how to live a happy life regardless of these issues. But it's working and I am figuring out new things every day.

It's hard, though. I feel like I am rewinding myself fifteen years and starting over. This probably would have been much easier to figure out when I was single and childless. Having a family certainly makes things more complicated, but hopefully all will be well in the end. I know it will be. Did I put patience on that list of issues? It should be on there because it is something I am learning very well at this point in time. I can't fix everything today even though I demand it.

In the meantime I get to analyze every move and thought I make and break it down into teeny, tiny pieces. It's kind of fun, I feel like I'm finally getting to know myself. I think I kind of like me.

Release

I have been in the process of re-discovering myself over these past few months. They have probably been some of the hardest months of my life, this last month being the worst. As hard as it has been, this past week I have finally felt a release. I haven't felt this free and unburdened by life in many, many years.

I've come to the realization of so many factors contributing to the unrest and unhappiness that I've felt. Number one is that I have been lying to myself for a long time. I've been talking myself into thinking I believe in some things purely because it is something I should believe in or something that I should know. Number two is that I have put so much pressure on myself to be perfect. But what is perfect anyway? Who judges perfection? It doesn't matter what others think, only what I think and I have been requiring way too much of myself. Number three is that I have lived in fear of disappointing others and letting them down. With this fear in mind, I have made many decisions not for the sake of what I believe in or want, but for the sake of saving face and for the sake of doing what is right. But what is right? Isn't what is right for one person completely different for another? Number four is that in the process of lying to myself, I have lied to those closest to me. It's just one more shovel of dirt that buries the actual problem. I thought that if I could talk myself into things and then talk everyone else into believing that I actually felt that way, life will go on and be hunky dory. Maybe eventually I would really feel the way I was telling myself to feel. But no.

Now here I am. I lived with a constant ache in the back of my head and in my gut for who knows how long. It's gone now. I wake up in the morning and I feel unburdened, light, and dare I say it...happy? I tell myself every morning to remove judgment from myself and judgment from others. I have decided to stop assuming I know what others think and what others are going to say. I have stopped judging other people and their relationships and decided that it isn't up to me. What I think about them shouldn't matter to them so why take the energy to do it in the first place? To each their own and hopefully everyone can find their own happiness. I hope that others would wish the same for me.

I will be honest, I am scared and terrified. Sometimes it's convenient living under a cloud because you don't have to change, you don't have to see what's really going on around you. I know that I have been hurtful, I have been dishonest, and I have been blind, and it has sucked. Sucked big time. I hope that with this new discovery that I can avoid these things in the future. I know I am a good person and I know that I am worth a lot. It just goes to show that I have to do everything the hard way (as always) to figure it out. There are three things that I ultimately want: the first is happiness, to be happy with myself. I know that if I am happy with myself, everyone around me will be happy as well. The second is to be honest, to be honest with myself. If I can be honest with myself, I will be honest with everyone around me. The third is to do what is best for my family. I am not a selfish person, although with all of the negativity I have created it may seem that way. I know that if I can make things right within myself, everything on the outside will fall into place.

I feel good, I really do. Others may look at me and question the decisions I make or my reasons for making them, and I don't want this to sound rude but, I don't care anymore. It's time to be alright with me... for me. Everything falls into place after that and life will be good again. It's kind of exciting actually and I'm looking forward to whatever this life brings. So... I say bring it on.

Swim

Music Playlist at MixPod.com

Safetysuit and Suicide

A strange combination, I know. But strange as it is, they go together very well. I totally dig Safetysuit and after seeing them live for the first time last night, I dig them even more. What makes me dig them the mostest is that they are advocates for suicide prevention. Being in the behavioral science program at school gives me an opportunity to be involved in and notified of very cool (to me) seminars and conferences.

Last night before their show, they held a discussion about their involvement with the 2nd Chance Foundation and how they have been affected personally by someone who attempted suicide. I am lucky to have never been personally affected myself, but know others who have and it is heart-breaking to say the least.

It was very cool to hear them say that the best thing a person can do is to be aware, to be caring enough to notice the people around them, and to do something as simple as share a smile and say hello. Many times, a person who wants to attempt suicide feels that no one cares and if someone (even a stranger) shows a little interest or concern, it may help them through one more day.

How easy is it to smile at those who pass by as you walk down the street, in the mall, or even at the grocery store? It's something that seems so simple, but something that not many people do. I think it's one awesome way to make a teeny, tiny, possibly life-changing difference. Very cool, indeed.

BE THANKFUL

Possibilities

I'm really excited. I've been looking for a long time for a grad school that offers a masters degree in dance therapy and I finally found one that I love.

There have been a couple of issues in going to grad school:

-There is not one school in Utah that offers the program I want.

-I am not single and can't justify picking my family up and moving so I can go to school when I might not even use it immediately after graduation.

-Money, money, money. (Although, I'm not really going to let this one bother me. It would only be like 70 grand... pocket change)

There is a school in New York called the Pratt Institute. They offer an MS in Dance Therapy in a Spring/Summer intensive. You spend one week in the spring and 4 weeks in the summer for two years in New York and New Hampshire. The rest of the two years is spent in an internship wherever you may live. Then Hooray! I graduate a licensed DTR (Dance Therapist, registered).

Then... of course my dreams will go according to plan. I seek out residential treatment centers who may want to integrate dance therapy into their program, one will love the idea, and BAM! I get to have a career doing something that I love and believe in.

I can taste it now....sweet.

These Two

I can't even tell you how much I love these two and how much they love each other.

best of her

best of him

I want to eat their cheeks. Scrumptious.

Photos

Now, I must say that I don't think that I'm an ugly person. But on the other hand I don't think I'm gorgeous either. I would say I find myself somewhere in the middle. One thing that frustrates me is that I am extremely NOT photogenic. I most often do not look good in pictures. I gave myself a little photo shoot today to try and find one good picture so I can change it in my profile. I actually ended up with 4 that were pretty decent. This has given me much hope for the future. I know now that 40 must be taken to find 4 that are alright, but it was worth it. This might sound strange but, I want my kids to look back on pictures and think that their mom was somewhat pretty and not a frump all the time. Is that too much to ask?

Mitch

I have been trying to find the time to squeeze this book in before I started school and I FINALLY finished it today. I have to give Mr. Albom some props, he writes really good books. That is, at least in my opinion. I have read every one of them and with each I take a little piece of it with me. Who knew a sports writer could have such fantastic insight and perspective on the world? He has a way of taking his own life experiences and puts them in a way for everyone to relate to.

With this book he tries to show how everyone, regardless of their faith, has the same ultimate goal. How people from completely different walks of life and backgrounds can be aiming for the same thing and how we can all reach it in harmony with one another.

I wish the world would remember this instead of religious group after religious group trying to force or convince others that their way is the right way. If people would let each other believe and worship as they wish and accept that we are all different, the world would be a better and a happier place. We are all striving for the same goal, ultimately happiness, and happiness to each person is different and very personal.

Here is a quote from the book that Mitch's Rabbi gave in a sermon that I especially took to heart:

"My friends, if we tend to the things that are important in life, if we are right with those we love and behave in line with our faith, our lives will not be cursed with the aching throb of unfulfilled business. Our words will always be sincere, our embraces will be tight. We will never wallow in the agony of 'I could have, I should have.' We can sleep in a storm."

Just Like Music

I have a bit of an infatuation with music. I love music. Love it, love it, love it. Did I say that I love it? I think I did. I also have a bit of an infatuation with going to concerts. Love it, love it ...(well you get the point). My most favorite music of all happens to be the fusion of rock and piano. If I could play any instrument it would be the piano, and it's something I kind of regret never learning. I think a piano has the most beautiful sound and there is something peaceful about it. Yet, on the other hand, it has the ability to be furious and energizing. An amazing instrument I think.


Now, when you mix it with rock music it creates a whole new sound, one that I can't get enough of. I have a great friend who introduced me to Jack's Mannequin a few years ago. And at the time I was loving the band The Fray and was in the process of discovering how much I love this kind of music. I kind of did things a little backward because I fell down-right head over heals with Jack's Mannequin without knowing much about a band called Something Corporate. Soon enough I discovered that Something Corporate was the forerunner for Andrew McMahon's solo project Jack's Mannequin and was immediately addicted.

Wow, long story shorter...some may laugh because I get a little emotional when I listen to some of these songs (some songs nearly bring me to tears). The sound of the music combined with my ability to relate to the lyrics has a profound effect on me. I was able to attend the Something Corporate concert in SLC last night with my very humorous sister Jessie (who macked on the drummer of the band, but that's another story), and it was amazing.

I really don't know how to put into words the importance of music in my life. I love how it has the ability to relate, to inspire, and to connect you to your innermost self, and to others. I also love how it has the ability to make you sit back and reflect on life, or on the other hand, to get up off your butt and shake what your mama gave you.

It's good stuff really. Really, really good stuff.

Bumbo

Bumbo's are really cool. Especially when your little guy hates being on his belly, it seems to be a good alternative. I think my little guy in the Bumbo is pretty cool, too.

A Little Time

I've been trying to do as much of this as possible lately. It hasn't happened as much as I'd like because I think we've had the busiest summer ever.

School starts in a month and I'm finding that the time I have to relax and do fun things with my family is starting to dwindle. I barely have time to do the dishes every day, I have no clue how I'm going to fit school and homework in, too.

Oh well, things always seem to work out don't they? They do. So hopefully I will find a little bit of time to do this, as well as some time to do a little homework.

Oh yeah, I forgot to say that I turned 30 two days ago. Wowza. That's all I have to say about that. Except for this... where has the time gone?

Summer Love

I love baseball. There is nothing I look forward to more in the summer than going to games. Yes I agree that it is a little boring to watch on TV, but sitting in the stadium, enjoying the weather, eating a hot dog, there is nothing better. This year we decided to get season tickets to the Owlz games (it's cheep since I'm a student) and it's one of the best ideas we've ever had. We went to our first game of the season last week and it was pure heaven. Summer is finally here.


We always have good company because dad, Ethan, Nat, and the kids love to come too.


Reggie was pretty excited because it was his first game ever. Don't worry bud, there is plenty more where that came from.

Berries

I love having a garden. Due to circumstances such as being pregnant and having a newborn around the house, I did not plant one this year. We are also trying to sell the house and thought we would have it sold this summer, this is turning out not to be the case. So the only things I have growing right now are plums and strawberries. Adelaide and I went and picked our first handful of berries on Friday and they are scrumptious to say the least. There's nothing like eating food you've picked right from your own back yard. I'm a little sad about not having other fruits and veggies to pluck, but these were so good they might just tide me over until next year.

Just Like This

Adelaide loves to play games on the computer. I'm amazed at how she can navigate different sites and find exactly what she's looking for. One of her favorites is the Barbie website. She discovered that she can cut, color, and style hair for Barbie. She and I have been talking about getting our haircut for quite a while and we finally made the plunge last Wednesday. Her hair had gotten so long and mine was needing a little bit of TLC. I asked her how she wanted her hair cut when she quickly ran over to the computer and said, "Here mom, I'll show you." I walked over with her as she clicked away through the website until she found what she was looking for. "Just like this mom," is what she said. I am completely amazed at how smart she is and how she even knew how to find the haircut she wanted!

We printed off her picture which she decided needed to be colored blue, and took it with us to Haley at Images Salon. I will never forget how proud she was to have picked her own haircut and how excited she was to show Haley her picture. I decided the haircut was tasteful enough on the condition that Haley could cut it so I wouldn't always have to flip it out:) It turned out really cute (I'll have to post a pic of her later).

However, she was a little disappointed when we left the salon and her hair was still brown and not blue.

On Being A Mother

These two are the reason I get to celebrate Mother's Day. I can't even express how much I love them. I have done so many things in my life for nothing more than the sake and happiness of my children. I can't believe how much joy and fun kids bring to your life, and you can't comprehend it until you have your own. Adelaide has been my little angel for the past four and a half years. She is a feisty, spunky, independent little girl (wonder where she gets that from) who is full of personality and I can't get enough of her. She has become the best big sister and loves her little brother completely. That brings me to my little Reggie. I can't quit looking at him because I am still absolutely amazed that he has finally made it to our family. Even with the sleepless nights and non-stop feeding, I feel like it's all been a dream, like I'm not quite in touch with reality. I am so thankful for the opportunity to raise a second child, I am lucky indeed.

There is nothing in the world as hard and also as rewarding as being a mother, I wouldn't take it back for a second. I am so thankful for my two beautiful kids. I love being a mother and I know how blessed I am to have given birth to both of them. As I have said before, I don't take it for granted, not one bit. They are amazing and I look forward to watching them grow and learn every day.

I love you Adelaide and Reggie, more than you can ever know.

Señor Cool

Monday was a big day. We got to the hospital at 6:30 a.m. and I was officially in labor by 7:15. I have to say that for the most part, it was a normal, uncomplicated 7 1/2 hours. We started feeling like there might be something going on, though, when Reggie's heart rate struggled to recover after each contraction. I also started clotting which made them think my placenta was detaching too soon. So my awesome nurse, Susan, started throwing around the C word (c-section).

I started praying that we could find a way to avoid that route if at all possible. Prayer answered. The clotting stopped and I was able to find a position to lay in that allowed Reggie's heart rate to recover.

Then came time to push. My little man should have been delivered in two pushes, unfortunately no matter what I did after a certain point, his body wouldn't budge and he was not recovering from the pushing and contractions. Out came the vacuum and two more pushes, he was finally here. Fortunately, through this process, I was unaware that the cord was tightly wound around my son's neck and this was the reason he was stuck and not recovering.

All the while, Davey stood watching patiently as this was going on, with a smile on his face, coaxing and assuring me that me and my son were doing great. I never once recognized a sign of fear or distress on his face. I can't even express how grateful I am for this quality of his. I discovered after the fact, that his cord had to be clamped and cut before he could be delivered because it was tethering him back. I was only able to hold him for a minute before they had to whisk him away because of breathing difficulties. If I had known exactly what was going on through the process, I would have been terrified and stressed beyond belief for the health of my son.

Davey stayed by his side through an hour and a half of his struggle to breathe until he was finally stabilized. They brought him in to me pink, sucking, and breathing like a champ.

I was so relieved. I am so thankful for simple answers to prayers and for a husband who is calm and collected in the face of uncertainty. I am grateful for my fabulous doctor who also kept his calm and did everything he could to get my baby here safe and sound. I am completely in love with my little boy and thankful to have the opportunity to raise two beautiful children.

Life is good.

1 Week

Actually, it's more like 6 days until this little boy arrives. Last night made me sure that I am about ready for his arrival. I had the most intense pelvic/low back pain for two and a half hours straight. I couldn't sit down, walking around hurt like you know what, and laying down didn't help either.

I have my last final to take on Thursday and then I'm done. I will be so relieved when this semester is over. I will never have to go to school pregnant again.

I want to go to the tulip festival at Thanksgiving Point this weekend, I hope it works out. If it doesn't that's OK, too. Addie and I went last year with Natalie and the kids and it was a lot of fun.

I don't think reality has set in and I'm afraid it won't until I'm pushing in the hospital. Things seem so surreal right now. My poor daughter has been asking for so much of my time and I hate that I have to dedicate it to finishing this semester. Then I feel guilty because I don't have many days left where she will be my one and only child. She will have to share her time with her little brother and my time won't be available for her and her only. I hope she will understand how much I still love her and I will always make time for her, no matter what.

I'm super-nervous and I wish I could relax. I hate the unknown, not knowing exactly when, what, and how. I pray that everything will go well, that he will be healthy and that we will have a safe delivery.

His coming to this world has been something I've wanted for a long time and it's finally just about here. I don't feel ready at all, but do you ever really feel ready? Even if it's something you've always wanted? One thing I know is that he is going to be one loved little boy and his presence has been longed for in our house.

See you soon little guy...

2 weeks

I have so much to do in the next two weeks. I have to finish everything I need to for school, thank goodness my teachers are giving us finals the week before finals this semester. Though that's one less week to work on my final projects.

I have to get mentally prepared for this little boy to come into our lives.

Hopefully get the house as spic and span as possible before he comes, too.

The yard is a mess. But I really have no idea when that's going to get done. I'm too tired to do it now, too much homework to do, and too many other things on my mind. Then the baby will be here and the yard still won't get cleaned up. Yikes, it's gonna get ugly.

I really need to get as prepared as I can. I know this baby is going to come and my world is going to turn upside down. Going from one beautiful, self-capable 4 and a half year old, to two children is going to be crazy. I'm so out of newborn mode. I haven't had to change or buy diapers for two years. I haven't had to nurse or wake up in the night multiple times for four years. Wowza.

On the other hand, I am ecstatic. I am thrilled to have a little boy, and thrilled to be a mom to two beautiful kids. I am excited that Adelaide will finally get to have the experience of a sibling and to see how sweet she'll be with her baby brother. It's going to be crazy but amazing all at the same time. I think I'm going to have sensory/emotional overload.

Life is complicated. It's amazing how things happen and line up in a certain way. It seems to know what it's doing, even if we don't know exactly what's going on. Though we may not like it or understand why things are the way they are, it always works out and happiness seems to follow. I like it.

"...every life has peaks and shadows and times when it seems that the birds don't sing and bells don't ring. Yet in spite of discouragement and adversity, those who are happiest seem to have a way of learning from difficult times, becoming stronger, wiser, and happier as a result..."
- Elder Joseph B. Wirthlin

Growing Up

Adelaide has never been one for drawing. She loves to paint and color but drawing has never been something she was very interested in.

Lately we've been working on tracing letters and numbers and she has been practicing on her white board.

The other day I was sitting at the kitchen table doing homework while she was working away on her white board. I turned around and recognized people in the picture she was drawing. She told me it was mommy, daddy, her, and baby brother. I was absolutely beaming with pride. I was so excited at this new development that I wanted to burst.

She drew faces, arms, legs, and even hair. I had never seen her draw anything even close to that before. Anyway, I was thinking to myself that if something as small as drawing people made me so proud, the other accomplishments she will make in her life just might drop me to the floor.

She is totally awesome.

Beautiful Day

Yesterday was gorgeous. We took the dog for a walk on the river trail so he could swim. We figured he wouldn't freeze because the sun was out and it felt amazing! I'm so excited that March is only two days away and spring will be here any minute. I can feel it.

There's something about being outside with the sun shining on my skin that makes me feel energized and motivated. The sun makes me want to get out of bed and get things done. Everything is good and in it's place when the weather is warm and the air is fresh.

I'm stoked.

"It is we ourselves who must answer the questions that life asks of us, and to these questions we can respond only by being responsible for our existence."
-Viktor Frankl

"If there is a meaning in life at all, then there must be a meaning in suffering. Suffering is an ineradicable part of life, even as fate and death. Without suffering and death human life cannon be complete."
-Viktor Frankl

"The culture we have does not make people feel good about themselves. And you have to be strong enough to say if the culture doesn't work, don't buy it."
-Morrie Schwartz (Tuesdays with Morrie)

"If you're always battling against getting older, you're always going to be unhappy, because it will happen anyhow."
-Morrie Schwartz (Tuesdays with Morrie)

"Men are anxious to improve their circumstances, but are unwilling to improve themselves. They therefore remain bound."
-James Allen

"Circumstance does not make the man; it reveals him to himself."
-James Allen

Little Insights

Has anyone ever read the mini-book, As a Man Thinketh? I read it this week for one of my classes and it is jam-packed with little insights that I love. The author James Allen wrote it in the early 1900's and I see it as the precursor to The Secret. You can find it online for free if you think it would suit your fancy. I'm going to post some of his thoughts for a bit because I liked it so much.

"In all human affairs there are efforts, and there are results, and the strength of the effort is the measure of the result. Chance is not."

What Am I Thinking?

School started yesterday. I love school, don't get me wrong, but it is already really stressing me out. First, my schedule is anything but convenient; I'm at the point where there isn't much choice in time or classes. I thought I had it perfect and set, then I went to one of the classes yesterday and realized it would not work for me. The only class I could find to replace it is a Thursday night class, which means Davey is at work so we have to find a place for Adelaide. Thanks Randy (probably Kip too).

Second, for some reason going last semester didn't worry me, maybe its because the baby wasn't due last semester, I just had to make it through feeling crappy. But now, I'm worried that I'm doing too much, and I won't be able to get everything done in time because who knows when he will decide to come. I hate having to work out special circumstances and arrangements in order to get things done. But hey, this was my choice I suppose. It would be nice to have one more semester out of the way before #2 comes.

So, I am freaked out, praying he waits to come until I'm through with the semester, and hoping I can stay sane and stress-free for his sake (and mine).

Oh boy.