Memorial Day Memories

What a fantastic weekend!

Saturday we hiked the Y. We as in Adelaide and I. Reggie could say he walked a little but I carried him up 3/4 of the way piggyback style. Needless to say my shoulders have been sore ever since but it was a perfect morning!

Saturday night and Sunday we were able to hang out with the uncles! My dad was ordained a high priest in the LDS church by his brother Gene. This meant that he, Newel and Robert came to congratulate him and swear him into the old mans club!

I really wanted to celebrate Memorial Day for what it is this year. We drove to Ogden with my Mom, Davis and Jake. We went to Leavitt Cemetery where my dad's sister Kathy is buried.

Then to Ben Lomond Cemetery in North Ogden where my grandpa Liechty is buried. He served in the Korean war. Thank you grandpa, you are my sunshine!

My great grandma and grandpa Loh are buried there as well. I remember them very well and miss them dearly. I don't think grandpa was dressed in anything but coveralls and my grandma in a mu mu and leg warmers... priceless!

When uncle Jake is around there will always be a dog-pile!

We had to stop at the old Farr's on 21st street for delish ice cream!! 

Jake needs a freaking haircut! That's 14 for ya.

Last but not least, Reggie kicked the crap out of grandma :)

Don't mess with me man...

Such a great weekend!

The Difference A Day Makes

I decided yesterday that I would just go with the flow and let the day bring what it would bring...

I started processing again and it felt amazing. I forget how much peace it brings me, as well as a great deal of emotional and physical relief. I am beyond grateful for the opportunity to take part in it. I can't think of a better way to spend the morning.

Then it was my niece's t-ball game and time spent with my sister and her fam... always a good thing.

Then I met up with friends and spent the evening in SLC and had an amazing time. I needed to get out and have some fun. It was such a good night!

It's amazing the difference a day makes.

A Little Rough

My blog has been a little less than inspiring as of late. Sometimes I question whether or not to post something if it isn't particularly uplifting, but then I realize that sometimes you find what you are looking for in the saddest of moments; with this I proceed.

I had some hard yet amazing conversations with two people I highly respect and admire tonight. They were conversations that made me look deep inside myself; they were conversations that made me angry, sad and hopeful all at the same time.

I realized that I am struggling with demons that I had hoped to have left behind me... conquered once, never to be seen again. Wow, what was I thinking? Where is the point in life that people begin to doubt themselves? Doubt their self-worth? Doubt their own intuition and instinct? Doubt that they are as beautiful and worthy as all of God's other creations? It was too young for me, much too young.

I have anxiety that is sometimes debilitating. It affects my relationships, my outlook on life, my happiness and my health. I struggled with it terribly right after my divorce, it got better for a while and is now back with a vengeance. I know I have mentioned this in the past, but for me this anxiety comes from fear; fear of not being good enough, pretty enough, strong enough, or enough of what I think others expect from me. Is it rational? No. Is the fear valid? Yes. The proof of validity shows itself as losing weight too fast because you are so sick to your stomach with fear that you can't eat. It shows itself as being unable to control your temper and you snap when you know there was no reason for it. It shows itself as sabotaging relationships or situations because you are too afraid of what others may think. It shows itself as starting a relationship with someone you shouldn't because it makes you feel secure. The worst part of all is wanting people so desperately to know the real you, but you are so afraid of being the real you because that makes you vulnerable and opens the door to pain, hurt and suffering. The irony is that the fear creates the very thing I am trying to avoid!

It's exhausting really. Time to reprogram, time to reboot. With everything I always think I discover about myself, it always comes back to this... always about my messed up perception of reality. Why can I not see the good things that others see? Why do I choose to believe they are thinking the worst of me? I know I should think that I am beautiful, I know I should think that I am a good person, I know that I should think that I am amazing despite my faults because everyone has faults and there is NO SUCH THING AS PERFECT! All of these things I know, but for some reason I do not feel it, I always doubt.

I do know a few things. I know that I have a great life. I have amazing children, I have a roof over my head, a job that I love to go to, a healthy body, wonderful family and friends, and that God does love me. I have been told by three people this week that I am too much in my head. I try to make logical explanations and I try to control things by making rules, and with this I think I can think my way through situations and come up with reasons for everything which means I think I can control whether or not I will have pain or have to suffer. Phew! What a freaking mess... I've just created my own suffering.

If I am going to set rules, here they are:
1 - You can't do anything wrong.
2 - Get out of your head.
3 - Do what you feel, not what you think.
4 - You are perfect just the way you are.
5 - Be fearless.
6 - My reality is up to me.
7 - DON'T MAKE ANY RULES! Nothing has to be, it is only what you make it.

I want happiness. I want what I want and I am good enough to wait for it. And in the end I know one more thing...

Everything happens for a reason. There is a lesson to be learned in everything and everything is going to be ok.

Best Mother's Day Ever

This weekend was fantastic, it was so busy but we had a bunch of fun. Friday night we went to see The Croods. It was a really cute movie with a great message about not being afraid, I really liked it.

 Saturday we went to look at an apartment (which the kids love for some reason), went to Hill Aerospace Museum, had a BBQ at my mom's and then another BBQ to see my long lost brother Eric.

Two of the best moms I know... mine, and my sister Anna.

Love you guys!

Today we went to church where Addie sang me a beautiful song. These are my two reasons for celebrating Mother's Day and I couldn't ask for better. I love them 10,000 freight trains full and wouldn't trade them for the world. We also got to spend today with my dad and step-mom Paula with a picnic and played at the park. She is also a wonderful lady and mother. So glad for my children and wonderful women in my life!

It was definitely a fantastic Mother's Day!

A Feeling

Yesterday was a rough day. I don't remember the last time I struggled so much with my own thoughts and feelings. You would think that I would have learned by now that I can not rationalize my feelings or try to make logical sense of them. But man, do I keep trying. That is one recurring issue that came up, another is that I continue to try to be a protector, a savior. I do it unknowingly... it was an agreement I made with myself when I was very young and it is beyond hard to break. I try so hard to protect other people from what 'I' think they should be protected from. I try to save them from some sort of hardship or sadness when all it does is throw me off of my own path. Instead of being concerned with what I feel or what I want or need, I change my course to try and keep someone else from meeting some sort of impending doom. In the end I sabotage the situation when my intentions were completely the opposite. I make the call when it's not even my call to make. A few years ago I didn't even know I did this, so I would say this is progress. Recognition is half the battle, but I wish I could win the other half by catching myself before I do it. Really Megan? When are you going to learn?

I'm sure I was sending out all sorts of crazy confusing energy. Just as I thought I was getting my head straight, I broke down in tears just before bed. I laid there and sobbed... it felt amazing. I must have had some major pent up emotion because I felt like a new person afterward. I thought that I would be able to sleep well after that but I struggled for most of the night. I was in a bit of a sleepless daze around 1 a.m. when my phone kept ringing with texts. 1,2,3,4,5 text alerts... I decided that I should check them. It was my dad. At first I was worried that something had happened but I figured that if it was an emergency he would have called. I started to read the texts and began to sob once again. My dad was up and couldn't sleep because he had a feeling and needed to tell me what was on his mind. Everything he said hit on everything I was feeling. I couldn't believe it... how did he know? Here are a few of the things that made today an amazingly better day:

"The over-thinking and doubt will not be there and you will see with clarity and understanding! That he cares about you and the things that you care about!"

"You will feel grateful that you have found someone reading from the same book as you are. Maybe not the same page but definitely the book!"

"Megan, you are who you are and you are not alone! You are loved and there are many reasons to rejoice! I know that God knows and loves each of his children! You are precious to me and to Him!"

"All will be well and you will find peace! I promise! I love you for always and forever!"

Today was such a good day. I believe that the things he says are true, I just need to figure out how to remember and truly 'know' them. No more over-thinking, no more leaving my path to protect others. I know I've done better and grown leaps and bounds, but sometimes old habits die hard. Stick to your gut Megan, continue to follow how you feel and stay on your path.

I will do my best to continue to do my best... always working, always growing. 
Dad, thank you for listening to yourself and texting me when you felt you needed to. It was an amazing moment for me and helped me more than you know. :)

Shut Up!

Via Pinterest

This is me. I think entirely too much. Then I talk too much trying to figure out how to separate what I am feeling and what I am thinking. Then I realize, wow, you should really shut up. Then I realize that I should have done it sooner than I did. Then it's like, bam! you just ruined everything... Or did I?

About Love

"Love is an act of faith, not an exchange."

"Contradictions are what make love grow. Conflicts are what allow love to remain by our side."

"Life is too short for us to keep important words like 'I love you' locked in our hearts."

"And yet, even when Love does not appear, we remain open to its presence. Sometimes, when loneliness seems about to crush everything, the only way to resist is to keep on loving."

- Paulo Coelho, Manuscript Found in Accra