Yesterday was a rough day. I don't remember the last time I struggled so much with my own thoughts and feelings. You would think that I would have learned by now that I can not rationalize my feelings or try to make logical sense of them. But man, do I keep trying. That is one recurring issue that came up, another is that I continue to try to be a protector, a savior. I do it unknowingly... it was an agreement I made with myself when I was very young and it is beyond hard to break. I try so hard to protect other people from what 'I' think they should be protected from. I try to save them from some sort of hardship or sadness when all it does is throw me off of my own path. Instead of being concerned with what I feel or what I want or need, I change my course to try and keep someone else from meeting some sort of impending doom. In the end I sabotage the situation when my intentions were completely the opposite. I make the call when it's not even my call to make. A few years ago I didn't even know I did this, so I would say this is progress. Recognition is half the battle, but I wish I could win the other half by catching myself before I do it. Really Megan? When are you going to learn?
I'm sure I was sending out all sorts of crazy confusing energy. Just as I thought I was getting my head straight, I broke down in tears just before bed. I laid there and sobbed... it felt amazing. I must have had some major pent up emotion because I felt like a new person afterward. I thought that I would be able to sleep well after that but I struggled for most of the night. I was in a bit of a sleepless daze around 1 a.m. when my phone kept ringing with texts. 1,2,3,4,5 text alerts... I decided that I should check them. It was my dad. At first I was worried that something had happened but I figured that if it was an emergency he would have called. I started to read the texts and began to sob once again. My dad was up and couldn't sleep because he had a feeling and needed to tell me what was on his mind. Everything he said hit on everything I was feeling. I couldn't believe it... how did he know? Here are a few of the things that made today an amazingly better day:
"The over-thinking and doubt will not be there and you will see with clarity and understanding! That he cares about you and the things that you care about!"
"You will feel grateful that you have found someone reading from the same book as you are. Maybe not the same page but definitely the book!"
"Megan, you are who you are and you are not alone! You are loved and there are many reasons to rejoice! I know that God knows and loves each of his children! You are precious to me and to Him!"
"All will be well and you will find peace! I promise! I love you for always and forever!"
Today was such a good day. I believe that the things he says are true, I just need to figure out how to remember and truly 'know' them. No more over-thinking, no more leaving my path to protect others. I know I've done better and grown leaps and bounds, but sometimes old habits die hard. Stick to your gut Megan, continue to follow how you feel and stay on your path.
I will do my best to continue to do my best... always working, always growing.
Dad, thank you for listening to yourself and texting me when you felt you needed to. It was an amazing moment for me and helped me more than you know. :)
