My blog has been a little less than inspiring as of late. Sometimes I question whether or not to post something if it isn't particularly uplifting, but then I realize that sometimes you find what you are looking for in the saddest of moments; with this I proceed.
I had some hard yet amazing conversations with two people I highly respect and admire tonight. They were conversations that made me look deep inside myself; they were conversations that made me angry, sad and hopeful all at the same time.
I realized that I am struggling with demons that I had hoped to have left behind me... conquered once, never to be seen again. Wow, what was I thinking? Where is the point in life that people begin to doubt themselves? Doubt their self-worth? Doubt their own intuition and instinct? Doubt that they are as beautiful and worthy as all of God's other creations? It was too young for me, much too young.
I have anxiety that is sometimes debilitating. It affects my relationships, my outlook on life, my happiness and my health. I struggled with it terribly right after my divorce, it got better for a while and is now back with a vengeance. I know I have mentioned this in the past, but for me this anxiety comes from fear; fear of not being good enough, pretty enough, strong enough, or enough of what I think others expect from me. Is it rational? No. Is the fear valid? Yes. The proof of validity shows itself as losing weight too fast because you are so sick to your stomach with fear that you can't eat. It shows itself as being unable to control your temper and you snap when you know there was no reason for it. It shows itself as sabotaging relationships or situations because you are too afraid of what others may think. It shows itself as starting a relationship with someone you shouldn't because it makes you feel secure. The worst part of all is wanting people so desperately to know the real you, but you are so afraid of being the real you because that makes you vulnerable and opens the door to pain, hurt and suffering. The irony is that the fear creates the very thing I am trying to avoid!
It's exhausting really. Time to reprogram, time to reboot. With everything I always think I discover about myself, it always comes back to this... always about my messed up perception of reality. Why can I not see the good things that others see? Why do I choose to believe they are thinking the worst of me? I know I should think that I am beautiful, I know I should think that I am a good person, I know that I should think that I am amazing despite my faults because everyone has faults and there is NO SUCH THING AS PERFECT! All of these things I know, but for some reason I do not feel it, I always doubt.
I do know a few things. I know that I have a great life. I have amazing children, I have a roof over my head, a job that I love to go to, a healthy body, wonderful family and friends, and that God does love me. I have been told by three people this week that I am too much in my head. I try to make logical explanations and I try to control things by making rules, and with this I think I can think my way through situations and come up with reasons for everything which means I think I can control whether or not I will have pain or have to suffer. Phew! What a freaking mess... I've just created my own suffering.
If I am going to set rules, here they are:
1 - You can't do anything wrong.
2 - Get out of your head.
3 - Do what you feel, not what you think.
4 - You are perfect just the way you are.
5 - Be fearless.
6 - My reality is up to me.
7 - DON'T MAKE ANY RULES! Nothing has to be, it is only what you make it.
I want happiness. I want what I want and I am good enough to wait for it. And in the end I know one more thing...
Everything happens for a reason. There is a lesson to be learned in everything and everything is going to be ok.
